How strange this "thin within" journey has been! Long and winding, perserverance and endurance is essential. This is not for the faint of heart, not a quick solution, not a quick fix. This journey, in drawing nearer to God, aligning my heart with His, seeking to surrender my whole body to His will, is a life long journey.
Sometimes it has been smooth sailing. Was I relying on self-effort alone in those times I have to wonder? As I set up so many goals for myself and formed plans for myself...I am left to ponder if I was trying to do it on my own much of the time. Yet success on a level was tasted. I lost 24 lbs, after years of being unable to make headway. I drew very near to God and experienced relationship with Him on a daily basis in the most intimate and special way ever in my lifetime.
Yet sometimes this journey has been bumpy beyond imagination, sliding down mucky slopes, falling into deep ravines where hope seems far away... I swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, completely giving up and no longer even trying. It just feels too hard. It feels too exhausting. It feels too restrictive. It feels too impossible. The pull of my fleshly desires is magnetic.
And the weight crept back on slowly but surely. And my heart feels like there is a wall between God and I. I feel like I am so near, but so far. I feel like my heart's affections are just not set on HIM. Certainly not on Him alone. My heart is divided I guess. Oh Lord, give me an undivided heart I pray.
I thought "The Lord's Table" study would help me get back on track. But I began to feel like a club of condemnation was constantly hitting me over the head and finally decided to set it aside. I could feel myself becoming legalistic and controlling. The first time I worked through the material I did not feel this way. I embraced the teaching and followed 0-5 eating as my eating schedule and grew spiritually by leaps and bounds. But this time round it just felt different. I don't know how to explain it except that it felt forced.
I decided to order the TW workbook #1 after this realization hit me. It arrived in the mail last night and I already started gobbling it up:-) I had read the TW book format so many times it had become too familiar to really take root in my heart again. I needed a fresh look at the TW (and most importantly biblical) teachings that have resonated with me so many times over the past two years. I am NOT disappointed! Wow, I am hit anew with so many things. I think I'll try blogging my journey through the workbook...if I have time...which seems to be more scarce this year!
Here is the new promise that God spoke to my heart last night, which I am going to cling to...
"I will build you again and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 31:4
I'm so excited! I'm going to be REBUILT! Woohoo!
"Forget the former thing; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18
Don't dwell on my past mistakes or even on my past successes. God is going to do a new thing and build me anew. That is so amazing. I'm encouraged. I feel hope welling up again. God continues doing His good work in me and WILL bring it to completion, as He promised me two years ago. I just have to cling to Him and hang on for the ride!
Just remember that "man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." His work of rebuilding and renewal is primarily an inward work on "the hidden man of the heart," which causes it to radiate outward with true beauty. The work that He has committed to finishing is the work of conforming us to the image of His Son! What a glorious calling!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right that God looks at the heart. That is an encouraging reminder. It is also a challenging reminder because I have found myself "looking" successful, but under it all I still have a divided heart.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the work He has committed to finishing - conforming to Christ's image. Two years ago I felt called to directly apply this promise to my weight struggles as I felt stuck in the muck & mire of sin (in particular the sin of gluttony and idolatry...most of all I can see now that it was/is a "divided heart"). I need(ed) to surrender and submit and be conformed to His image. I was feeling bogged down by failures and feelings of despair that i'd ever expereince victory and as I went for a walk one day back two years ago a rainbow appeared in the crisp winter sky...a most unusual thing...and that verse was spoke that verse to my heart. I was encouraged when He spoke this promise to me and reminded me of the great HOPE that I can cling to...that He is going to bring His work to COMPLETION in me. What an encoruagement.
Thanks for your feedback and encouragement:-)