A new promise

How strange this "thin within" journey has been!

Long and winding, perserverance and endurance is essential. This is not for the faint of heart, not a quick solution, not a quick fix. This journey, in drawing nearer to God, aligning my heart with His, seeking to surrender my whole body to His will, is a life long journey.

Sometimes it has been smooth sailing. Was I relying on self-effort alone in those times I have to wonder? As I set up so many goals for myself and formed plans for myself...I am left to ponder if I was trying to do it on my own much of the time. Yet success on a level was tasted. I lost 24 lbs, after years of being unable to make headway. I drew very near to God and experienced relationship with Him on a daily basis in the most intimate and special way ever in my lifetime.

Yet sometimes this journey has been bumpy beyond imagination, sliding down mucky slopes, falling into deep ravines where hope seems far away... I swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, completely giving up and no longer even trying. It just feels too hard. It feels too exhausting. It feels too restrictive. It feels too impossible. The pull of my fleshly desires is magnetic.

And the weight crept back on slowly but surely. And my heart feels like there is a wall between God and I. I feel like I am so near, but so far. I feel like my heart's affections are just not set on HIM. Certainly not on Him alone. My heart is divided I guess. Oh Lord, give me an undivided heart I pray.

I thought "The Lord's Table" study would help me get back on track. But I began to feel like a club of condemnation was constantly hitting me over the head and finally decided to set it aside. I could feel myself becoming legalistic and controlling. The first time I worked through the material I did not feel this way. I embraced the teaching and followed 0-5 eating as my eating schedule and grew spiritually by leaps and bounds. But this time round it just felt different. I don't know how to explain it except that it felt forced.

I decided to order the TW workbook #1 after this realization hit me. It arrived in the mail last night and I already started gobbling it up:-) I had read the TW book format so many times it had become too familiar to really take root in my heart again. I needed a fresh look at the TW (and most importantly biblical) teachings that have resonated with me so many times over the past two years. I am NOT disappointed! Wow, I am hit anew with so many things. I think I'll try blogging my journey through the workbook...if I have time...which seems to be more scarce this year!

Here is the new promise that God spoke to my heart last night, which I am going to cling to...

"I will build you again and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 31:4

I'm so excited! I'm going to be REBUILT! Woohoo!

"Forget the former thing; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18

Don't dwell on my past mistakes or even on my past successes. God is going to do a new thing and build me anew. That is so amazing. I'm encouraged. I feel hope welling up again. God continues doing His good work in me and WILL bring it to completion, as He promised me two years ago. I just have to cling to Him and hang on for the ride!

Life=Risk

If You Feel Like Giving Up...

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:2-5

Wednesday check-in

Checking in for my personal challenge this week:
#1. No eating in front of the TV unless it is a meal.
Once again I didn't eat while watching TV.

#2. 11pm bedtime.
My in-laws are at our place and after they headed to bed Jon and I continued talking...a bit too late. So I didn't really get to bed until closer to 11:15-11:30.

#3. Exercise 5x this week.
Day three of exercise this week. I jumped rope for 20 minutes.

#4. No desserts this week.
Once again, a kinda no answer from me. I "cheated" a little bit by eating 1/2 scone at lunch and 1.5 slice banana bread after the supper main course. We have my in-laws here and it was a low sweet, less rich kind of treat...so I went for it. But it is not exactly what I wanted for the week.

Okay, confession time..... I am saddened that I missed out on a learning opportunity that I had last night. I had baked a fresh loaf of bread in the breadmaker for tomorrow (which is now today's) lunch. Somehow I was able to stuff away the truth, pushing it as far back as possible at the first possible sound of that little voice of reason and truth...and headed to try a slice at 10pm. After my in-laws headed to bed, I went for some more bread.....and added to that some banana bread. Ugh.

I didn't feel past #5. However I knew I had NOT set myself up for victory for the next day's eating. I had an inkling that I'd regret the choices...but forgot how MUCH I regret the choice the next day. This morning I woke up feeling awful about the choices I'd made. I felt saddened that I'd missed out on learning a way out of the temptation. I felt awful thinking how much I'd eaten. And I felt renewed concern about weight gain and not loss...when in fact I'd like my weight to settle down to a more reasonable level before we head to Mexico next week. The extra snack (which was also extra large) is not going to help me meet that goal.

I also just finished reading "Freedom from Emotional Eating" by Barb Raveling and it was SUCH a great chapter at the end....and I feel saddened, with all the great knowledge and tools she presented, that I didn't take hold of the truth. I was really so encouraged by each study in that last chapter over the past few days. Missing out on the learning opportunity was a bit like twisting a knife in the back! I want another one!!! hahaha! Oh boy, that's a little strange isn't it!

Okay, I will probably get my wish and have more temptations today. I have my in-laws here still. And then tonight my parents are coming over. There is always more food around...and more on a time schedule...during company visits. Plus tonight I'm going to make and serve a coconut cream pie (my dad's favorite) but I intend to bypass. So it looks like I have some more learning opportunities in disguise! LOL

TW Summer Study - day 10

Day Ten~ Building in the Present Moment

This chapter was EXACTLY what I needed, right after writing my last post. I have been feeling like victory is so fleeting. I have been feeling tired out from the battle...from losing so many battles.

To know that this PRESENT moment counts is awesome. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. (Phil 3:12) That resonates.

On page 94 the question is asked, "Have you been...beating yourself up for your lack of success?"

And my answer is a resounding "YES!" I feel like I have the knowledge of how to experience God's victory in this area, but feel unable to make real lasting progress. However I guess I need to re-examine what progress is. In Sheila's words in TW (pg95) she says, "I'm not a failure, but a work in progress." This has been my motto...which I guess I need reminding of once again. My life, as long as I am alive on this earth, will ALWAYS be a work in progress!

Here are a few quotes that stuck out to me...

Through his eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. TW pg 95

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. (Denis Waitley) TW pg 95

Failure is not something we are. Failure is something we do. TW pg 96

We are God's saints by calling, who fail. TW pg 98

He knows we will fail even before we do, but it is not His will that we fail without benefiting or maturing in some way from the experience. TW pg 99

You must not try harder; you must strive less. You must acknowledge your helplessness and total dependence upon the Spirit for your guidance, your area of service, and your ability to love. You are created for good works, but they must flow out of your abiding communion with the Living vine. God's grace is more than a pardon; it is a constant, ever-flowing provision, a reassuring presence and an incredible power. TW pg 99

Each of these quotes cut right to my heart and lifted my spirits and encouraged me to continue pressing on, forgetting what was behind...though of course not forgetting the lessons learned.

I realize the importance of not allowing these failures to be wasted. Each of these moments of failure are learning opportunities disguised as failures. If I ignore the opportunity to actually grow and learn from them, my growth will be slow going, as I have to keep on learning the same lesson over and over again. If I focus on the renewing of my mind, by God's truth and grace each step of the way, then I will begin to be transformed for His glory. So I press on:-)

The real question is not whether you are going to fail, but rather how you will respond when you do. TW pg 100

In closing, here is a song that came to mind as I began this post.

HISTORY by Matthew West
(To listen to the song click here...no clue what the youtube video is about so you can ignore that and just read the lyrics below as you listen. The song starts at :30 and ends at 4:30)

Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Chorus:
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Repeat chorus

Yeah Yeah

Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

Repeat chorus

Yeah yeah
Oh history is in the making

Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

"I'm tired" rant

I'm tired of it being so hard to lose or maintain weight. I'm tired of each choice counting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of caring. I want to just be 150lbs and STAY there. I'm tired of feeling ashamed. I'm tired of feeling like a public failure, as each regained pound is outwardly reflective of failure. I'm tired of my body's lumps and bumps and bulges and flab. I'm tired of being anxious about this. I'm tired of being tired about this!

Lord, help me! Help me press on and cling to your rainbow promise to me... "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 Amen.

Truth Journaling ~ Weight Gain

I have been working through "Freedom from Emotional Eating" by Barb Raveling. I have come to realize it is time for me to more frequently apply "truth journaling" as described in this book. I can see the parallels with the Thin Within concept of observation and correction. I think I'm going to try regularily posting some of my own truth journaling.

I'll start with a core situation/belief/emotion that I'm dealing with lately.

Situation:
As you will know, if you've been following my blog, is that I've struggled with gaining some of my weight back (8-10lbs to be specific), after releasing 24lbs.


#1. I'm not very attractive unless I'm in my BMI zone.
I'm always beautiful. The Bible says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) It also says that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Prov. 31:30) Beauty is from the INSIDE.

#2. I'm never going to be able to make headway and experience lasting victory with regards to weight. Lack of belief that I will actually overcome.
God promised me (November 2007) that He is going to bring this good work that He started to COMPLETION. (Phil 1:6) Trust Him! I need to cling to God's word when I doubt I will actually overcome. The following two scriptures need to be clung to...

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we
ask--we know that we have whatever we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

#3. I feel defeated.
The One who is in me is greater then the one who is in this world. (1 John 4:4) I am a LEARNER not a FAILURE! Each step back is simply a learning moment. Never consider a single defeat a final defeat (can't remember who that quote is from, but it sticks with me). I can't...but God you can.

#4. I feel humiliated.
Others are experiencing the same things as I am. I don't need to worry about how others view me. Keep my eyes fixed on God. Keep abiding with Him, clinging to Him.

#5. My self esteem feels low.
I really just need to dwell on Zeph. 3:17 as described in my previous post to remember how God views me. To be dwelling on self is a distraction that comes from the devil. My eyes need to be fixed on JESUS! When my value comes from Him, there is no room for these kinds of thoughts. He loves me. And He lives in me! What greater value can I have then to know that God, the GREATEST Treasure, lives in me, and that His power gets to be on display in my life!

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7

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I'm kind of new at this truth journaling, so this may not flow quite as smoothly as it will with time and practice. I can really see the value of doing this on a regular basis.

Okay, that's it for my blog bog today!!!!

On the mend...

Well I have entered the land of the living once again! Whew, I just went through a brutal stretch of sore throat and fever (potentially strep). Anyways I'm on antibiotics and am feeling much improved.

I have felt very off with regards to eating/exercise and also quite unmotivated and "down." I haven't spent much time in the Word this past week. ugh. I can feel the dryness in my soul. I need some quiet time with the Lord. In regards to abstaining from sugary stuff...well that all went out the window (jello, freezies, hard candy lozengers may have soothed my sore throat but didn't help my "treat free" resolve). I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm doing with the whole scale thing. My husband thinks a little differently then me as he is a daily weigh-er.

Being right around that 160lb mark again and then being out of sync with eating really did a work on me! But, I think I need to come to terms with the fact that my journey will likely never be one where I reach my goal and just STAY there! I think my journey will likely remain one where I have to FIGHT to stay there, to maintain a healthy weight/lifestyle. I think this is something I must come to terms with.

The proud side of me would like to have this wonderful testimony that I have released 24+lbs and it hasn't crept back on because I've been changed/healed/restored. But I have this sneeking suspicion that this may not be the path of my life. I suspect God is going to continue using this particular area of my life to sharpen/transform me and keep me humble....indefinitely! I'm not sure I'll ever be "there" until I reach Heaven when the Lord brings His good work to completion. And I need to be okay with that. And I need to keep fighting the good fight. And I need to find a way to keep pressing on. And even bigger then that I need to learn what God wants me to learn so that I can be used as His instrument with others. My heart's deepest desire is for God to use me for His purposes and His glory!

This journey has been about so much more then just eating cardboard and cabbage (okay, I have never done that!) and exercising like a maniac (which I have never done in my whole life by the way)! It's been about growing more like Jesus, about there being more of Him in my life and less of me, Him increasing and me decreasing. THAT is what has been truly astounding about this whole journey. It's been awesome! Okay, all that being said, I think I gave myself the pep talk I needed! I'm ready to get back on that "wagon"! I'm not giving up. I'm going to draw near to the Lord and rest in His peaceful presence. I'm going to keep my mind stayed on Him. And I'm going to let Him guide me and use me for His purposes.

On a really positive note, I'm totally pumped because I'm starting into a new workbook that I ordered, "Freedom from Emotional Eating" by Barb Raveling. I'll keep you posted as I journey through that book.

Weigh-In Day

I REALLY don't feel like posting this post....but I know this is part of the journey and I won't shie away from being transparent about it.

So yesterday was weigh-in day. I stepped on the scale after staying away from it since February 20th. Oh how quickly I pulled out the club of condemnation as the scale read I’m up another 3 pounds since I last weighed. That means I’m up 10 pounds since September 2008 – from 149 to 159 pounds. Ugh.

All sorts of thoughts swirled through my head. Of course the big one being that I somehow think I NEED the scale to maintain/lose weight… Another thought that ran through my head was “This 0-5 eating doesn’t work to lose weight!” (which I know flat out is a lie, since it HAS "worked" for me and many others!). I rarely go there with my thoughts, but I have to admit I went there yesterday! Then there were the other familiar thoughts: failure, the past repeating itself, defeat. It feels like the story of my past few years. I’d lose weight. Gain it back plus some. Lose weight. Gain it back plus some. And on it went. I don’t want to continue yo-yoing like this. I feel tired of this battle.

Right now, thinking of myself as 159lbs (keeping in mind that this is on my scale...the doctor's scale would probably add another couple pounds to that #....making me well outside my BMI again *sigh*)... Back on topic, thinking of myself as 159 lbs makes me feel very unattractive and fat. I could actually feel the “blobbiness” descend on me like a cloak, immediately after the weigh in. What on earth is up with that?! Prior to stepping on the scale I felt strong, healthy, slim, empowered. Stepping on the scale and seeing this # is certainly a wake-up call. One I perhaps needed. But at the same time, the thought of living in the shadow of this piece of metal’s “judgement” of me just doesn’t appeal to me any longer.

As I reflect on the past month, I have to admit that I absolutely relished the past 1+ months, living free of the scale. Eating 0-5 seemed to flow fairly naturally every single day, at basically every meal. It was a beautiful thing to experience. I kept careful track of my hunger #’s and food eaten. I can see habits changed. I can see heart changes. One of the most beautiful things about tracking this way was that I would sometimes feel the club of condemnation pulled out for slip-ups…but rarely would I feel “fat” or “ugly” or “unattractive” when exclusively using the 0-5 scale. I simply observed, corrected, and saw each slip up as a potential learning experience to grow further surrendered to the Lord.

One of my first responses was thinking that I needed to step on the scale daily once again. Track it. Mark it down. And in all honesty, stepping on the scale daily has a positive aspect. I have no clue if my weight today was a “blip” in a string of on-track weigh-ins…or was it a true reflection of my past month’s struggle/victory steps? I really have no clue. That bugs me. That is probably one of the only positives for a daily weigh-in. I see the fluctuations and don’t get as “thrown” off when I see a higher # occasionally.

My other response, which I believe is a true conviction from the Lord, is to cut out desserts for the next month. I think this is where the real slip-up has happened in the past couple months. The “love” of sugar has its tentacles gripping my heart. And it is time to be set free from that, no longer mastered by anything but Christ. I have noticed that this is definitely the biggest struggle I have with staying on track 0-5. I think my dessert consumption has resulted in me stretching my hunger #’s. The thought of bypassing the dessert after dinner, when I’m at a clear #5, hardly enters my mind. I’m greedy for that sugar. I’m longing for that treat. It’s what I’ve been waiting for all day long. Honestly, that’s the truth. That is the sin hiding away in the secret place of my heart.

I contemplated what it would look like to cut out desserts for the month in conjunction with stepping on the scale daily… And I have to say this is where I have changed. It was like a light bulb went off in my head…or maybe my heart. I don’t want to step near that piece of metal. I don’t want to feel “righteous” if my weight goes down. I don’t want to feel “fat” when my weight goes up. I just want to go with the flow, walking in step with the Spirit. I want to simply focus on obedience and surrender to the Lord.

So, that is where I’m going to track. I feel the Lord calling me to greater obedience, less focus on the # on the scale, more focus on Him. I know it is going to be tough cutting out desserts for the next month (although I will make exceptions in social situations if it is within 0-5 as I generally don’t struggle with moderation in those situations). I know that it is time to move into a “discernment” phase. I have seen very clearly how much of a stronghold sugar has in my life. And I need the Lord to set me free. I need to be able to see that the LORD is my portion. He satisfies…even more then sugar!

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Psalm 119:103

I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. Job 23:12

God calls me to so much more than simply being consumed with weight and the number on the scale. He wants my heart…ALL OF IT!

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

And I want Him to have all of me! I have seen how God has used this weight surrender struggle to draw me into a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I have had an insatiable appetite and hunger and thirst for the Lord and his word the past few months, unlike I've ever experienced before. I praise God for that! I don’t simply want to travel this journey to end up self-controlled and disciplined…I want it to be about so much more than that. I want His glory to spill over and out through me with the fruits of the spirit so evident - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

May my life be a fragrant offering to you, my Lord. Mould me. Use me. Change me. Renew me. Transform me more into your image. May I reflect your glory more and more each and every day, and become pure as gold through these tests. Amen.

The Value of Observations & Corrections

I was just glancing over my food & exercise log from the past year...and I noticed I made A LOT of observations (and noted corrections)... (I clearly NEEDED to given that I went off course so often with 0-5 eating!!!) It was really interesting to quickly glance over this log. I'm glad I documented that portion of my journey. It was a good reminder to myself that I need to ensure I continue to do this on a regular basis, really zoning in on observations/corrections and being transformed by the renewing of my mind by feasting at the Lord's table.

I can see that my whole approach towards eating is so different then it used to be. I am much more intentional and really see the value in planning ahead for challenges I may face with staying in the pleasant God-given 0-5 boundaries (though I far too often fail to pre-plan...notice I said "see the value"...which means I need to apply it more often!).

I also am much more aware of God's continued extension of grace, no matter how many times I "mess up." And I'm also aware that He wants to equip me and fill me up as I turn to Him to satisfy me and supply my needs.

Does this mean I stick 100% with 0-5 eating? Absolutely not! I struggle so much with staying on course, as my accountability buddies well know! But I'm keeping on keeping on! I'm not giving up!

My friend Lundie wrote something so profound to me yesterday which I think is worth passing on to you. In regards to me noting my own attitude of "I've already messed up. So why try to stop? I may as well get what I want now.".... here is the brilliant image Lundie wrote...

I am going to try to think of it in terms as a course correction instead. When I'm driving, and I cross a little too far into the other lane, do I think, "Well! I'm in the wrong lane, I might as well go all the way and drive on the other side of the road!!!". LOL! Nope, I just turn the wheel back and let my car drift back into the right lane.

As I type this out, it gives me a lot of hope that the changes I have experienced this past year will "stick." I have had my share of fears that I will slide back to where I was prior to digging into the TW book over a year ago... But I know God has done a new thing in my heart and my life. Praise God!!!! I continue pressing on, observing and correcting, confessing and repenting to the Lord, seeking to surrender to Him fully! For He has given me hope and future and He continues renewing my strength, being my Hope, helping me run and not grow weary, helping me walk and not grow faint.

Thank you Abba Father, Daddy. I run to You. I long for my soul to always CLING to You. I pray Your right hand would uphold me even in the midst of temptation. Amen.

Filling Up on God

I feel like I've almost fallen off the "blog" wagon:-) It's not like me to miss so many days without posting something of substance! I was almost at the point of shutting down my blog entirely as I felt like such a hypocrite, fool and failure as I continue to struggle with 0-5 eating.

Yet I know that this is part of the journey. And I accept that. And am moving past that one step at a time. The last few days have been going better, for which I'm thankful.

I was going to re-start one of my weight-related books (TW or TLT or Thin Again) but then I felt like God was saying.... "No, just focus on My Word and fill up on Me!" So I'm listening. I'm earnestly seeking Him (Ps. 63:1-2). I'm not going to let the enemy get to me with lies and discouragement.

I've been enjoying such quality time with God lately. I can't begin to say how much that means to me. And I've been memorizing scripture like crazy (like I mentioned in a previous post). It really feels like a MIRACLE to WANT to memorize scripture! I've never experienced the compulsion to memorize like I have lately. I truly don't want that to stop. And the neatest part of all is that these scriptures are beginning to become part of my prayers! This is also very special to me. So, I am thankful for this part of my journey right now. I'm truly finding satisfaction in God and His Word and intimacy with Him.

But oh, what ups and downs with consistent 0-5 eating! I decided the one thing I wanted to keep up was my private paper notebook food/exercise log. This way I can look back on how things are going and see what kinds of patterns are forming and how consistent I am with 0-5 eating etc. So here are my "statistics" (or patterns) for my January eating...

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23% of the time I ate within 0-5 the ENTIRE day, each and every eating occasion (7/30 days).

33% entire days I started at "0" (that is 10/30 days each eating occasion started at "0").

65% eating occasions were within 0-5 (62/96 eating occasions).

75% eating occasions I started at "0" (75/96).

11/30 days I exercised (that is 37%).

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Those may seem like irrelevant statistics! But they mean something to me. I can see so much room for growth!!!

I'm so afraid of returning to the defeated place I was for those 5 years (2002-2007). I long to be victorious and keep my eyes fixed on Him.

One of my ideas for goal setting is:
Aim for one full day of 0-5 eating (did that on Monday). Next, aim for two full days of 0-5 eating (did that on Tuesday and hopefully can say that by the end of today). Next aim for three full days of 0-5 eating. And continue building up the number of consistent days. And re-start each and every time I go off track. I just really need to build consistency into my eating. We'll see if that motivates me and helps me...

I've been seeing commercials lately and hearing people talk about how if they aren't physically hungry they aren't tempted to eat. There was a "Special K Satisfaction"cereal commercial where this lady had eaten her cereal for breakfast and when she was offered the donuts at the office she said "No thank you, I'm not hungry."

I thought to myself, "Am I the only one who is still tempted to eat stuff even when I'm not hungry?" I honestly don't know if I'm in the minority here! If something is tempting me, it really and truly matters very little to me if I'm hungry or not... I'm very weak and could easily dig right in. That is my flesh that quickly can swing into action. It takes an immense amount of self-control and God-focus for me to actually withstand the temptation. It doesn't yet feel natural to me. Once again, I have to wonder if I'm in the minority with this!

I've been challenged over the past few days to take a few of the lessons from this Fall/Winter a step further. As those who have been journeying alongside me know, one of the big themes I've been challenged by is "What lines the walls of my mind?" In other words, what kinds of thoughts/beliefs do I have? Are these thoughts lined up with God's Word, His truth? Next, I must take these thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).

Well, this past week, as I was studying "Living beyond yourself" by Beth Moore, I bumped into the verse, "But we have the mind of Christ." (1 Cor. 2:16) That's a revolutionary thought (make that TRUTH), don't you think!

What would Christ's mind look like? First of all NOTHING sinful would enter it! Secondly, He is ALL truth, perfect, righteous, holy and completely surrendered to the Father...and is in fact God! In other words, His thoughts and actions are PERFECT and HOLY.

So, if I have the mind of Christ....that means my mind should begin to look the same (though I know this will never be fully the case until I reach Heaven)! So when I start to apply taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, essentially filtering out thoughts that don't line up with God's Word, then I begin to see a very specific picture painted of what my mind should look like...the mind of Christ. Imitate. Be like Jesus. Fix my eyes on Him.

Anyways, all this rambling is to say, that I'm feeling challenged IN ALL AREAS (not just eating related) to put on the mind of Christ, taking every thought captive to Him.

And my first step is to focus in on what God's Word and truth is...filling up on it every chance I get! I'm not giving up! God is doing a good work in me and will bring it to completion (Phil 1:6)! The God of all-grace is equipping me to abound in every good work (2 Cor. 9:8). I am being transformed into His likeness each and every day (2 Cor. 3:18). Praise God for that!

Dear Lord, O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63:1-8) In Jesus name, Amen.

Excuses

I have been feeling a little discouraged lately with regards to my eating. I often want to make excuses....

• It's hard around my birthday and valentines day.
• It's hard around halloween.
• It's hard around christmas.
• It's hard during summer vacation and travelling.

Oh the list could go on and on and on, couldn't it!!! It's never easy! It's hard to stay within 0-5 eating boudaries, especially for a full day! But oh so rewarding when we persevere!

I've been struggling, in particular since halloween I'd say. It felt like a slippery slope that I just kept sliding and sliding down and down and down into the muck and mire!

Today didn't start off fabulous in regards to eating. In fact I felt on the greedy side as I took a second scone at our ladies bible study meeting. I had missed breakfast as I knew my friend was bringing these scones especially as a treat to celebrate my bday.... Yet another excuse, isn't it! I didn't eat past #5, but know that I could easily have been content and satisfied with simply one.

However midafternoon I felt wonderfully hungry! Yes, WONDERFULLY hungry! I love that feeling...at least when I know that it is within my "control" to eat something! I probably wouldn't like or relish that feeling if I had been deprived of food. But for me hunger is getting in tune with my body's needs.

I was on the phone with a friend, so I postponed eating for about an hour. Then I wasn't sure when to eat...wait for supper or have a little snack???

I decided to spend some time feeding on God's word and praying first. Now, that was a step in the right direction for me. Praise God!!! He certainly met me there. Oh how I long to do that more often!

Then I moved into eating an early supper. I relished and savoured that meal. Thanks, Lord!

So, why on earth do I CONSTANTLY make excuses??? It drives me nuts!! Imagine how God feels...

I guess, if I look at it from the perspective of dying to self I can say that DEATH IS PAINFUL. It hurts to cut lose all the sinful habits that I cling to. Yet I cling to the truth that Christ lives in me. He doesn't leave me to wallow in the pain of death...but rather brings me life, hope and future!

For...."I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

So I fix my eyes and continue to focus on the Lord with the desire for more of Him and less of me... I long to delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it day and night. I desire to be a tree of righteousness, planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. (Ps. 1:1-3) And I continue taking one step at a time...

I will remember the truth that the ONE who lives inside of me is GREATER than the one who is in this world (1 John 4:4)

I'M NOT GIVING UP!

For I know that God hasn't given up on me!

Thanks, Lord!

Learning Past Lessons

Over the past few days I have felt nudged to apply some of the past lessons learned.

1. "Thin Within" Keys to Conscious Eating.

The keys to conscious eating are a wonderful tool. I want to apply them more consistently once again. I am thankful for the provisions of the Lord. He certainly is a giver of good gifts (James 1:17; Matthew 7:11)

Here is a recap of the keys to conscious eating:

Keys to Conscious Eating
1. Eat when my body is hungry ("0").
2. Eat in a calm environment by reducing distractions.
3. Eat when sitting.
4. Eat when my body and mind are relaxed.
5. Eat and drink the things my body enjoys.
6. Pay attention to my food while eating.
7. Eat slowly, savoring each bite.
8. Stop before my body is full ("5").

I think each and every one of those points need some work.

2. Observe and Correct

The tool of observation and correction is particularily heavy on my mind and heart. I have moved far away from this intentional approach towards eating. Here's a quote I appreciated in my TW readings today...

Enjoy the privilege today of applying God's grace in the present moment. You don't need to wallow in any meausre of self-contempt. Observe what hasn't worked, agree with God, correct your behavior in the strength He gives you. Then move on down the path of God's provision as you experience the abundant life. TW pg 43

Too often I eat outside the 0-5 boundaries and don't even take the time to reflect on what went wrong and what I could do differently next time. Actually as I type this it reminds me that this is true in many areas of my life, not just eating.

I don't focus on confession enough.

I just think "I blew it" and often wallow in feelings of failure. Yet each of these "failures" in my life are teaching moments. I need to seek God, allow His light to shine on secret places of my heart (Psalm 90:8), confessing sin and accept His grace, forgiveness and empowering. Some of my favorite quotes that I have highlighted in the past are:

I am a learner not a failure.

Never consider a single defeat a final defeat. F. Scott Fitzgerald

I'm not a failure, but a work in progress. Sheila (TW pg95)

God is doing a good work in me and will bring it to completion in Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6) I am being transformed into His likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18).

3. Pre-plan for trials

I also feel convicted of the need to pre-plan for trials, to be more intentional with each and every choice I make (not just with eating, but also in every other area of my life). I have strayed far from this once again.

I am reminded to be self-controlled and alert for the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8).

Oftentimes I approach eating without much forethought...and then I fall into some sticky situations where I struggle to make the right choices. By doing some pre-planning I know that I can set myself up for better choices. I am more likely to see the way out of temptation that God has provided if I have a more "intentional" mindset (1 Corinthians 10:13).

4. Feast at the Lord's table

Most importantly I am continuing to feast at the Lord's table. He prepares a table before me (Psalm 23:5). I NEED to fill up on Him, get fat on Jesus:-)

5. Gratitude

I long for my attitude to be saturated with praise and thankfulness and gratitude to the Lord in each and every circumstance (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I am using my counting my blessings blog to record things I'm thankful for. And the awesome thing about gratitude is that as I focus on gratitude the focus begins to shift away from self and onto God and onto others! It's not all about me ;-)


So, there you have it, these are some goals I'm re-committing to. Sadly I have learned and applied each and every one of these points months ago but then many of them got put in the corner and ignored for the most part. Time to wake up and enjoy the abundant life that God has prepared for those those who follow Him!

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:14

Hope

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31

The first thing that hit me was the statement in verse 29 "he increases the power of the weak."

This leads me to the verse in Romans 12...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Romans 12:9-10

I feel weak. I am well aware of my failing and shortcomings. But He pours out His grace into my life. He is glorified through my weaknesses. He empowers me when I am weak. For when I am weak, then I am strong...

Back to reflecting on Isaiah 40:28-31, the key is to "hope" in the Lord.

I was reading the final lesson of the Beth Moore Breaking Free study and finished this lesson feeling so encouraged. She unpacked what the word "hope" in the context of Isaiah 40:31 means...

The Hebrew word for hope (KJV "wait upon") is qawah meaning "to bind together (by twisting)...to be gathered together, to be joined; to meet; to lie in wait for someone; to expect...to be confident, trust; to be enduring."

Inserting those synonyms in place of the words "hope in" for verse 31 would look like this...

But those who "bind together, are gathered together, are joined with the" Lord will renew their strength.

But those who "meet with the" Lord will renew their strength.

But those who "lie in wait for the" Lord will renew their strength.

But those who "expect, are confident in, trust in the" Lord will renew their strength.

But those who "endure in the" Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they
will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

What a great reminder of what it means to truly "hope" in the Lord.

So today I chose to join with, meet with, lie in wait of, confidently expect and trust in, endure in the Lord.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

I will call upon the Lord. I will come and pray to Him. I will aim to seek Him with all my heart.

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for increasing my strength and helping me run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint. Thank you Lord for listening to me, revealing yourself to me, and promising to bring me back from captivity. I choose to hope in you alone. Amen.

Christmas Check-in

Christmas is here! I've had the image of Jesus being born in a manger sticking with me. Here's a quote from TLT which I just read yesterday...

Friend, you know that at Jesus' birth He was immediately placed into a manger, right? But do you know what a manger is? It is that which held the animal's food. Jesus Christ was placed into a feeding trough! His birth makes a statement that He came to be fed upon. TLT workbook pg 99

That's an awesome truth to chew on! Praise God for the gift of Jesus this Christmas!

I've been struggling to apply what God spoke to me about (as described in last post) to be other centered this Christmas. I know that God spoke this message very specifically to me at this time.

And once again the Lord spoke a reminder to me as I attended a lovely christmas eve service at my in-law's church. One verse that jumped out at me was the Galatians verse about walking in step with the Spirit. I needed that reminder as I long for the fruits of the spirit to be evident in my life at this time.

Yet I'm still failing. I'm receiving the prompting of the Holy Spirit but I'm not moving forward in step with Him and refusing to gratify the desires of my flesh.

Eating has been out of control today in particular. One thing I'm thankful for is my sister-in-law's boyfriend who truly exemplifies a naturally thin eater. I hope and pray that will be me next Christmas in the Lord's strength and power as He continues changing me.

I'm so thankful for Jesus' birth and the gift of salvation. I'm thankful that He doesn't leave us to our own fleshly impulses, in the muck and the mire, with a lack of power and self-control. He gives us His Spirit! He empowers and equips us each step of the way as we abide in Him. Thank you, Lord!

Happy Birthday Jesus! I pray that You would be glorified. Amen.

Struggling to be Consistent

I've really been struggling with consistent 0-5 eating for the past month or so. I know the downward spiral began around halloween with all the chocolates in the house. And it has continued to be a challenge to manage my sugar cravings with holiday treats and so on.

I think the TLT approach to eating has also contributed to a bit of the yo-yoing I've been doing. I had initially rejected the TLT study due to the extremely structured nature of the eating schedule - liquids, half days, normal days and fast days. When it came to my attention that I could follow 0-5 eating while doing TLT I decided it was worth pursuing. But I have to admit I have yo-yoed here and there, dabbling in the TW eating approach and then the TLT eating approach and then back again etc.

What I really felt convicted of today, as I looked at a shockingly high # on my scale, is to simply focus on consistency in 0-5 eating rather then getting swayed this way and that by the eating schedule of TLT program (which I am CERTAIN has its time and place and helps many people as they seek to surrender eating to the Lord). All I know is the gracious approach that TW endorses following 0-5 eating in surrender to the Lord has completely resonated with me. And I feel that I should primarily be aiming for the TW approach to eating.

So I move forward with this as my aim.

Consistency. No exceptions.

Fill up on God. Get fat on Jesus:-) I want this filling up to occur throughout the entire day, moment by moment, particularily in the midst of temptation.

Eat only when hungry, savouring the food and follow keys to conscious eating. Stop when satisfied.

Simple as that.

I know that I need to keep calling out to God throughout this whole process, looking to Him to satisfy me, the Living Water. If He calls me to fast I need to listen. If He calls me to stop in the middle of a cookie, I need to listen (as Paula wonderfully modelled today!). If I'm tired I need to find something other then a handful of candy to relax and rejuvenate me.

With that being said I think it is time for something that has worked for me in the past few months~another three day challenge for myself. Three days of no exceptions! (That's tough as I enter the weekend!)

So here I go planning for a few "trials" or challenges that will be ahead of me the upcoming three days, for which I will give account afterwards.

Today (Thursday):
I'm already hungry for supper but will wait until supper is ready in an hour. I will ask the Lord to help me discern how to eat a moderate amount. I should probably be going straight to a time of prayer and bible reading right about now!

Friday:
I'm volunteering for a school field trip. I hope to be hungry prior to heading to the school. If I'm not hungry I'll just bring along a granola bar or something quick to eat on the bus or at our destination.

In the evening we are heading to a buffet restaurant with some friends. I will just need to focus on keys to conscious eating, leaning on the Lord throughout. And I will need to avoid eating when I get home, when I'm kicking back my feet and relaxing! I think even holding our guinea pigs in my lap while watching a TV show could help me stay away from food and also satisfy my likely desire to veg a little.

Saturday:
Apart from the usual challenges to follow 0-5, the other hurdle that I may face is simply being hungry in time for the scheduled pizza supper during our drama dress rehearsal. I should be able to manage that, in the Lord's strength of course, if I'm not greedy for food earlier in the day. And then, after our church play performance, I should probably stay away from the refreshments and focus on the purpose of the time, which is to visit and mingle with friends and families. Plus we'll need to get the kids back home and into bed after a long tiring day so we won't stick around long. Next hurdle will likely be the tiredness that I will likely be feeling when I get home late in the evening after about 8 hours with 40 children and performing etc! I know I need to pray about this one in advance as this will be a very long and tiring day.

Sunday:
Usual daily challenges I will face. Just one step at a time with the Lord's help and strength. And once again a late night due to the second christmas drama performance in the evening. So I'll likely be feeling just a little tired out:-)

Well, that's about it for today. I will keep y'all updated:-) I probably won't be blogging too much the next few days due to all the things scheduled the next three days.

ThinWithin~Day18, 19, 20

I know my blog hasn't been exactly active the past week or so! And also not exactly positive, upbeat and motivating! But I'm still here. And I know this is part of the journey. I will have my valleys and times where I take a detour from God's path...and then, praise be to God for His faithfulness and grace, I am able to get back on His path. I'm committed to this process, through its ups and downs. As Susan so aptly wrote here,

I have finally (after years of going around the same woodshed) come to the realization that this journey is not going to end in my lifetime. And for the first time I am ok with that. Because the journey in learning to be a thin eater really mirrors my journey into being transformed into His likeness.

THIS I can relate to. THIS is why I don't give up.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18

So onto my TW readings. Here's a quote that struck me...

When we acknowledge that we have chosen to do what is right in our own eyes, such as eat that third donut, we have made a choice in the flesh. We stand in agreement with God and confess that we have made a DETOUR from the path of God's provision. If our hearts are open to Him, we will see that the scenery is much grander back on His path. So we humbly admit to Him that we have wandered off the road. This is the first step of repentance. TW pg194

I have definitely been taking a detour the past couple weeks. I slipped
down the slippery slope and found myself in the muck and mire...or more rightly, in a pile of candy wrappers and other sugary treats, gluttonous and greedy for food.

Following up an exercise in Chapter 19 on pg 198:

"I choose to receive Your (God's) forgiveness for myself for..."

...my willful rebellious detour the past few weeks. I can see that ever since July, when my weight settled into my BMI zone, that I have allowed food to once again increase in importance. I have not fully surrendered to You. Please forgive me. Help me not "play" thin and surrendered...but actually BE surrendered to You on the INSIDE. No acting. No following a fixed formula. No pushing the boundaries. Help me be surrendered. I thank You for Your forgiveness. Amen.

I found it interesting to note the shift in my attitude towards food, eating & surrender since early summer. (That's nearly 5 months already! How crazy is that!!)

Would I be willing to once again leave the best bite on my plate as a sacrifice to the Lord?

Would I be willing to skip dessert if I'm already at a #5?

And then I had a verse hit me yesterday as I pondered "more of Him and less of me."

He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:30

And then I read a quote from Mike Cleveland in "The Lord's Table" (as highlighted in Heidi's post.)

Overeating is defined as continuing to eat past the point of receiving all we need to sustain our lives.

How often do I push the boundaries, eating so much beyond what is needed to sustain my life?

How often do I push God to the side and take first place and do things MY own way?

He must increase, I must decrease.

For me to turn down the extra candy bars I'm craving, to not have dessert because I'm already satisfied, to not take that extra serving of pizza, to not munch on something just because I feel like it....is for me to decrease and HIM to increase! Because in all honesty I can't do this on my own in my own strength. He will HAVE to increase if I'm to have victory in this area.

So I offer ALL of me to the Lord. There are many areas besides eating and gluttony that I need to surrender to the Lord: laziness, thoughts that aren't pleasing to God, my words/speech, my attitudes...

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1-2

More of Him. Less of me. He must increase. I must decrease.

Slippery Slope

I've been off track the last few days, ever since halloween. It seems I slipped down the slippery slope of candy and junk.

I would like to get to the bottom of why I let myself slip and slide at times like this. It's not like I don't allow myself candy or chocolate other times of the year. It certainly shouldn't be a deprivation thing!

I need to get to the bottom of this before the christmas season hits! I'll be tested all over again and slide down the slippery slope if I don't figure this out and fully surrender this to the Lord!

I need God to once again lift me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire and set my feet on a rock, giving me a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40:2)

Thin Within~Day 10

Lots of great quotes in this chapter!

I'm not a failure, but a work in progress. TW pg 95

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing. TW pg 95

The real question is not whether you are going to fail, but rather how you will respond when you do. TW pg 100

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such
opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Today went so-so. I felt discouraged that I was so mastered by sugar today. I know that my food choices were not the wisest today... On the positive note though I did stay within 0-5 with God's help.

Exercise: x

Eating:
0-4 at 8:45am
0-5 at 11:00am
0-5 at 4:00pm

And on a side note... We added a new member to our family today--Vanilla Caramel the guinea pig!

It was all quite spontaneous and unplanned. Vanilla is our first "real" pet (our last one was a fish)...and we got her for free through an ad on the internet! We have no clue how to care for this creature! So we have some research to do! Hopefully the night goes smoothly. It feels a bit like the first night we had our oldest daughter home from the hospital on the day she was born!

Not Walking the Talk

I've struggled with 0-5 eating a few times over the past few days. Just when I feel like 0-5 eating is like breathing in and out...I fall flat! Gotta keep relying on God.

I can't...but God, You can!

Wednesday night was the beginning of the slipping and sliding. I did okay with 0-5 eating until supper/evening. I wasn't hungry at supper time so I skipped supper and figured I'd just eat at the ladies' event at church that evening, expecting I'd be at #0 by that time. I ended up not being empty at that point either (unless I just had missed it in the busyness of the day...not sure). I had a little too much sweets that evening... Then I got sick in the night.

Thursday went okay despite (and probably due) to feeling a little sick. I ate LOTS of yogurt! haha! That was the bulk of what I ate:-)

Last night went okay except that I went slightly past #5 at supper. I could feel that greed rearing its head once again.

And that brings me to today. I was a little off this afternoon and evening. I definitely don't feel I was eating like a "naturally thin eater." I went to our church potluck this evening and certainly did NOT pre-plan for trials. I didn't practice conscious present time eating very effectively. And when I got home I had some more sweets...which is classic for me, after a social occasion when I'm feeling tired and wanting to kick back and relax. On the positive note, I did hold off on taking some more pie despite wanting it very much! I prayed and asked God for help...and started folding laundry (shock of all shocks!) and have made it thus far without digging in further and slipping and sliding further down that slippery slope!

Well, it's time for another serious three day challenge. No excuses or rationalizing! I must see each and every temptation as the opportunity that God is providing me to rely on Him for strength and to find satisfaction in Him alone. Time to walk the talk!