A new promise

How strange this "thin within" journey has been!

Long and winding, perserverance and endurance is essential. This is not for the faint of heart, not a quick solution, not a quick fix. This journey, in drawing nearer to God, aligning my heart with His, seeking to surrender my whole body to His will, is a life long journey.

Sometimes it has been smooth sailing. Was I relying on self-effort alone in those times I have to wonder? As I set up so many goals for myself and formed plans for myself...I am left to ponder if I was trying to do it on my own much of the time. Yet success on a level was tasted. I lost 24 lbs, after years of being unable to make headway. I drew very near to God and experienced relationship with Him on a daily basis in the most intimate and special way ever in my lifetime.

Yet sometimes this journey has been bumpy beyond imagination, sliding down mucky slopes, falling into deep ravines where hope seems far away... I swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, completely giving up and no longer even trying. It just feels too hard. It feels too exhausting. It feels too restrictive. It feels too impossible. The pull of my fleshly desires is magnetic.

And the weight crept back on slowly but surely. And my heart feels like there is a wall between God and I. I feel like I am so near, but so far. I feel like my heart's affections are just not set on HIM. Certainly not on Him alone. My heart is divided I guess. Oh Lord, give me an undivided heart I pray.

I thought "The Lord's Table" study would help me get back on track. But I began to feel like a club of condemnation was constantly hitting me over the head and finally decided to set it aside. I could feel myself becoming legalistic and controlling. The first time I worked through the material I did not feel this way. I embraced the teaching and followed 0-5 eating as my eating schedule and grew spiritually by leaps and bounds. But this time round it just felt different. I don't know how to explain it except that it felt forced.

I decided to order the TW workbook #1 after this realization hit me. It arrived in the mail last night and I already started gobbling it up:-) I had read the TW book format so many times it had become too familiar to really take root in my heart again. I needed a fresh look at the TW (and most importantly biblical) teachings that have resonated with me so many times over the past two years. I am NOT disappointed! Wow, I am hit anew with so many things. I think I'll try blogging my journey through the workbook...if I have time...which seems to be more scarce this year!

Here is the new promise that God spoke to my heart last night, which I am going to cling to...

"I will build you again and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 31:4

I'm so excited! I'm going to be REBUILT! Woohoo!

"Forget the former thing; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18

Don't dwell on my past mistakes or even on my past successes. God is going to do a new thing and build me anew. That is so amazing. I'm encouraged. I feel hope welling up again. God continues doing His good work in me and WILL bring it to completion, as He promised me two years ago. I just have to cling to Him and hang on for the ride!

Throwing out the Scale!

Okay, maybe not literally as my husband still uses the scale quite frequently. So I am throwing out the scale figuratively.

However, I think I'm ready to set it aside....forever! *gasp* Yes, I said FOREVER! I'm not sure if I'm just on one of my rollercoaster rides again! And I'm not 100% sure if I'm being motivated by denial...not wanting to see the # on the scale. I don't *think* I am...but it could certainly be one of the feelings in the whole mix.

I thought the month of March was just amazing. I went with the flow of 0-5 eating. I had my slipups, but didn't pull out the club of condemnation much at all. I was active. I felt beautiful. I was finding great satisfaction in the Lord, filling up on Him. I was actually quite shocked when I saw my weight had climbed a bit.

I stepped on the scale a number of times for the month of April....and noticed that my weight fluctuated, mostly settlling below that shocker # that I saw after my month without the scale. But I noticed that my eating slipped and slided a lot more. I also noticed that the club of condemnation was pulled out more. And I noticed how the way I viewed myself was quite affected by the # I read on the scale.

I preferred how the month of March went. I appreciated the "flow." I don't know if that makes sense. I realize that no one notices the difference that 5 lbs makes on my body (10lbs yes, but 5 lbs no). Therefore, when I start to feel fat and blobby and ugly simply because of those fluctuating 5lbs it begins to work against me and sends me spiralling more out of control.

This morning I was hit with an old realization in a fresh way...

I want my focus to be on getting rid of GREED (for God's glory) not getting SKINNY (for my glory).

I felt like I was suddenly released from unrealistic expectations of myself. All these years I've been aiming to hit that 147lb mark that I was prior to kids...and I keep failing to meet that mark. But I want eating 0-5 to be part of the very fabric of my life, an internal motivation, not an external motivation.

In order for me to remain intentional, I know that I really need to continue filling out my eating and exercise log each and every day. This is my way of being honest with myself and also documenting any patterns that may be developping. I also will continue observing/correcting and truth journaling. Once again this is about being intentional and being transformed from the inside.

What does this look like in the long run? Will I gain weight? Will I lose weight? I don't know! And I actually am pretty much at a point where I don't care!!!! (I can't believe I actually wrote that!)

What I DO care about is being obedient to the Lord, finding soul satisfaction in Him alone, filling up on Him, daily following my God-given hunger/fullness signals, aiming to be as conscious and present with my eating as possible, aiming to fill my body with whole-body pleasers more than teasers and staying active. That's the stuff I care about!!!

I'll let you know if this approach sticks. I think I've been journeying to this point for quite some time now...and may finally be ready for this step!

Weigh-In Day

I REALLY don't feel like posting this post....but I know this is part of the journey and I won't shie away from being transparent about it.

So yesterday was weigh-in day. I stepped on the scale after staying away from it since February 20th. Oh how quickly I pulled out the club of condemnation as the scale read I’m up another 3 pounds since I last weighed. That means I’m up 10 pounds since September 2008 – from 149 to 159 pounds. Ugh.

All sorts of thoughts swirled through my head. Of course the big one being that I somehow think I NEED the scale to maintain/lose weight… Another thought that ran through my head was “This 0-5 eating doesn’t work to lose weight!” (which I know flat out is a lie, since it HAS "worked" for me and many others!). I rarely go there with my thoughts, but I have to admit I went there yesterday! Then there were the other familiar thoughts: failure, the past repeating itself, defeat. It feels like the story of my past few years. I’d lose weight. Gain it back plus some. Lose weight. Gain it back plus some. And on it went. I don’t want to continue yo-yoing like this. I feel tired of this battle.

Right now, thinking of myself as 159lbs (keeping in mind that this is on my scale...the doctor's scale would probably add another couple pounds to that #....making me well outside my BMI again *sigh*)... Back on topic, thinking of myself as 159 lbs makes me feel very unattractive and fat. I could actually feel the “blobbiness” descend on me like a cloak, immediately after the weigh in. What on earth is up with that?! Prior to stepping on the scale I felt strong, healthy, slim, empowered. Stepping on the scale and seeing this # is certainly a wake-up call. One I perhaps needed. But at the same time, the thought of living in the shadow of this piece of metal’s “judgement” of me just doesn’t appeal to me any longer.

As I reflect on the past month, I have to admit that I absolutely relished the past 1+ months, living free of the scale. Eating 0-5 seemed to flow fairly naturally every single day, at basically every meal. It was a beautiful thing to experience. I kept careful track of my hunger #’s and food eaten. I can see habits changed. I can see heart changes. One of the most beautiful things about tracking this way was that I would sometimes feel the club of condemnation pulled out for slip-ups…but rarely would I feel “fat” or “ugly” or “unattractive” when exclusively using the 0-5 scale. I simply observed, corrected, and saw each slip up as a potential learning experience to grow further surrendered to the Lord.

One of my first responses was thinking that I needed to step on the scale daily once again. Track it. Mark it down. And in all honesty, stepping on the scale daily has a positive aspect. I have no clue if my weight today was a “blip” in a string of on-track weigh-ins…or was it a true reflection of my past month’s struggle/victory steps? I really have no clue. That bugs me. That is probably one of the only positives for a daily weigh-in. I see the fluctuations and don’t get as “thrown” off when I see a higher # occasionally.

My other response, which I believe is a true conviction from the Lord, is to cut out desserts for the next month. I think this is where the real slip-up has happened in the past couple months. The “love” of sugar has its tentacles gripping my heart. And it is time to be set free from that, no longer mastered by anything but Christ. I have noticed that this is definitely the biggest struggle I have with staying on track 0-5. I think my dessert consumption has resulted in me stretching my hunger #’s. The thought of bypassing the dessert after dinner, when I’m at a clear #5, hardly enters my mind. I’m greedy for that sugar. I’m longing for that treat. It’s what I’ve been waiting for all day long. Honestly, that’s the truth. That is the sin hiding away in the secret place of my heart.

I contemplated what it would look like to cut out desserts for the month in conjunction with stepping on the scale daily… And I have to say this is where I have changed. It was like a light bulb went off in my head…or maybe my heart. I don’t want to step near that piece of metal. I don’t want to feel “righteous” if my weight goes down. I don’t want to feel “fat” when my weight goes up. I just want to go with the flow, walking in step with the Spirit. I want to simply focus on obedience and surrender to the Lord.

So, that is where I’m going to track. I feel the Lord calling me to greater obedience, less focus on the # on the scale, more focus on Him. I know it is going to be tough cutting out desserts for the next month (although I will make exceptions in social situations if it is within 0-5 as I generally don’t struggle with moderation in those situations). I know that it is time to move into a “discernment” phase. I have seen very clearly how much of a stronghold sugar has in my life. And I need the Lord to set me free. I need to be able to see that the LORD is my portion. He satisfies…even more then sugar!

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Psalm 119:103

I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. Job 23:12

God calls me to so much more than simply being consumed with weight and the number on the scale. He wants my heart…ALL OF IT!

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

And I want Him to have all of me! I have seen how God has used this weight surrender struggle to draw me into a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I have had an insatiable appetite and hunger and thirst for the Lord and his word the past few months, unlike I've ever experienced before. I praise God for that! I don’t simply want to travel this journey to end up self-controlled and disciplined…I want it to be about so much more than that. I want His glory to spill over and out through me with the fruits of the spirit so evident - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

May my life be a fragrant offering to you, my Lord. Mould me. Use me. Change me. Renew me. Transform me more into your image. May I reflect your glory more and more each and every day, and become pure as gold through these tests. Amen.

Thin Again - ch 3 Questions

Chapter 3 – Grace not Legalism

What is God’s grace?
God’s grace is a “dynamic outpouring (that) was made in flesh in Jesus Christ. Christ became the new offering—the means of attonement and reconciliation—for our sin and guilt... God, in his grace, not only offers forgiveness, but gives us the power (through the faith in the indwelling Christ) to become sons and daughters—bearers of his character and will... It is this love, this outpouring of God’s grace, that works the transformation of our innermost being so that we delight in pleasing him—indeed, live to please him. When we love Christ and our desire is to please him in everything, we are released from clinging to rules, regulations, and performance.” TA pg 54

“Grace is the active expression of God’s love. Grace empowers us to choose rightly in what seem to be the most choiceless of situations, but it does not, and will not determine that choice.” TA pg 51


How does God’s grace work in our lives?
“Grace is freedom that conforms us from within; legalism is bondage that constrains us from without.” TA pg 52

“Grace redirects our focus away from perfection to correction.” TA pg 57

I find God’s grace so amazing! The fact that God keeps forgiving over and over again is just astounding! I appreciate applying observations and corrections in my TW journey, living under God’s grace rather then the path of my own performance. This is the reason I can continue persevering and not giving up. I know that “he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil 1:6


What is legalism and how does it affect our lives?
Legalism is all about rules and regulations. When following them a person can feel quite “righteous” and focus is on self. When failing to follow the rules and regulations we feel like complete failures and tend to beat ourselves up with the ‘club of condemnation’.

Legalism can be defined as a “self-defined system of control, safety, and security…. By focussing on externals---our diets, our weight, our eating or not eating—we avoid confronting the real issues in our lives: our fears, our unresolved grief, emotions, relationships, rebellion, and insecurities…. We fail to acknowledge that it is in our being (the intentions of our own hearts), not in our doing (our eating) that our true guilt lies.” TA pg 56

I often get caught up in legalistic thinking as I set myself goals with eating/exercise. I inevitably fail at some point, beat myself up about it, and then feel doomed to never succeed and have victory in this area of my life. I know that Satan is on the attack as it says, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 I know God does not desire me to be in this cycle. He offers me His grace and His strength and power to experience surrender and victory in this area. Jesus says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9


List the Thin Within principles for weight mastery.
1. Eat when your body is hungry (‘0’).
2. Eat in a calm environment by reducing distractions.
3. Eat when sitting.
4. Eat when your body and mind are relaxed.
5. Eat and drink the things your body enjoys.
6. Pay attention to your food while eating.
7. Eat slowly, savouring each bite.
8. Stop before your body is full (‘5’).

“These principles apply to all the food you eat and all the beverages you drink, except water. Coffee, tea, alcohol, and diet sodas are included, because everything, except water, affects your body’s ability to register accurately its physiological hunger.” TA pg 61

I assume they would also classify an herbal tea (no sugar/cream) as similar?? I’m surprised at that. Not sure if I agree….


What is the Bodometer Process?
“It is a tool for turning our attention inward and listening to the signals our bodies are giving us in order to determine whether food (or something else) is needed.” TA pg 63

Basically it is paying attention to each different part of my body—mouth/teeth, throat, stomach and abdomen.


What is the hunger scale and how can it serve you?
0 = hungry/empty
5= comfortable or satisfied
10=stuffed

The aim should be to eat within 0-5. Eating 3-7 results in overeating and not losing weight.

April 4

April 4 food log
(Chapter 4)

This chapter really drove home to me that I have been caught up in something that looked like a good idea at the time (and certainly served a purpose) but is now time to cut loose. I had been tracking my progress with stars and % and have come to conclusion that it is now hindering me from being truly honest with myself and really learning the most I can through observations and corrections. The assessment tools were becoming the club of condemnation. Instead I need to ask myself “What could I have done differently to produce a better outcome?” (p.42) I needed the feedback these assessments offered in the beginning stages as I just needed to get back on the right track, but now that I am pretty consistently on the right track I need to fine-tune my eating choices and behaviors. Trying to make it all look “pretty” by giving myself a perfect star or rationalizing my way to these marks doesn’t help me move forward. “In matters of food and eating, the key is to move steadily forward with a sincere heart of willingness and faith, allowing yourselves to observe and correct your behavior.” (P.41) So, here goes my new approach! I’ll try to do lots of observing and correcting, repenting and accepting God’s forgiveness and help and move forward under the canopy of His grace. Praise God!