Okay, maybe not literally as my husband still uses the scale quite frequently. So I am throwing out the scale figuratively.
However, I think I'm ready to set it aside....forever! *gasp* Yes, I said FOREVER! I'm not sure if I'm just on one of my rollercoaster rides again! And I'm not 100% sure if I'm being motivated by denial...not wanting to see the # on the scale. I don't *think* I am...but it could certainly be one of the feelings in the whole mix.
I thought the month of March was just amazing. I went with the flow of 0-5 eating. I had my slipups, but didn't pull out the club of condemnation much at all. I was active. I felt beautiful. I was finding great satisfaction in the Lord, filling up on Him. I was actually quite shocked when I saw my weight had climbed a bit.
I stepped on the scale a number of times for the month of April....and noticed that my weight fluctuated, mostly settlling below that shocker # that I saw after my month without the scale. But I noticed that my eating slipped and slided a lot more. I also noticed that the club of condemnation was pulled out more. And I noticed how the way I viewed myself was quite affected by the # I read on the scale.
I preferred how the month of March went. I appreciated the "flow." I don't know if that makes sense. I realize that no one notices the difference that 5 lbs makes on my body (10lbs yes, but 5 lbs no). Therefore, when I start to feel fat and blobby and ugly simply because of those fluctuating 5lbs it begins to work against me and sends me spiralling more out of control.
This morning I was hit with an old realization in a fresh way...
I want my focus to be on getting rid of GREED (for God's glory) not getting SKINNY (for my glory).
I felt like I was suddenly released from unrealistic expectations of myself. All these years I've been aiming to hit that 147lb mark that I was prior to kids...and I keep failing to meet that mark. But I want eating 0-5 to be part of the very fabric of my life, an internal motivation, not an external motivation.
In order for me to remain intentional, I know that I really need to continue filling out my eating and exercise log each and every day. This is my way of being honest with myself and also documenting any patterns that may be developping. I also will continue observing/correcting and truth journaling. Once again this is about being intentional and being transformed from the inside.
What does this look like in the long run? Will I gain weight? Will I lose weight? I don't know! And I actually am pretty much at a point where I don't care!!!! (I can't believe I actually wrote that!)
What I DO care about is being obedient to the Lord, finding soul satisfaction in Him alone, filling up on Him, daily following my God-given hunger/fullness signals, aiming to be as conscious and present with my eating as possible, aiming to fill my body with whole-body pleasers more than teasers and staying active. That's the stuff I care about!!!
I'll let you know if this approach sticks. I think I've been journeying to this point for quite some time now...and may finally be ready for this step!
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I shared in a video that I won't be weighing myself for a few months. I had a STRONG pull to weigh myself this week, but fought it, through Christ's strength. I find when I see a gain, instead of getting back on track, I end up spiraling totally out of control. I've at a place where a 15 pound weigh release will bring me to the 100 lbs mark of being set free.
ReplyDeleteIt's 'right there' and lately I find old patterns happening, struggles that I had dealt with and conquered, creeping back up, wanting to gorge..just shove food into my mouth and not stop....
I told the Lord,,"I don't want to 'just make it before the finish line and give up'. I want to run this race ALL THE WAY!!
I also see I have not been exercising, nor drinking lots of water. I really feel the Lord telling me to get back on track, to look at my portions, drink the water, be consistent with adding exercise.
I'm struggling A LOT right now...I know 'this too shall pass'...I'm digging my heals into the ground, getting ready to sprint towards the finish line.
I just want to eat because of emotions, wanting to numb myself.....
I'm on my way out to do some errands so I just wanted to let you know I'll be praying. I'll touch base with you more later. Hang in there!
ReplyDeletePraise the Lord!! You seem different and that's a good thing. God has changed you in a mighty way. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you fought the urge to weigh yourself. Good job! I can totally relate to the spiralling out of control with weigh ins. I would challenge you not to allow that 100lbs to be your mark of being set free...just as I need to let go of that 147lbs being the mark of me being set free...actually for me that number seems to be a reflection of whether or not I'm successful and beautiful in other's eyes. Hogwash isn't it!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the desires to gorge and stuff food in your mouth. I've been there since...hmmm...probably October in particular. Not on a daily basis, but slipping into that habit more often than I would like.
But isn't that like Satan to drag us into the muck and mire and to roll around in that muck like that is home....when there have been these stepping stones of victory steps that the Lord has helped us take and yet how often do I seem to focus on the muck. I think this is one of the differences this time around...I want to focus on this being a journey, not about a destination. Sometimes I may fall into that mud puddle...but up I get with my Savior's help and continue on. I'll keep on keeping on!
Lord, help Angela keep on keeping on. Help her truly be set free. As she struggles with so many difficulties in her life right now, I pray you would meet her every need because only you know exactly what she needs. I pray you would help her release all her anxiety to you as you show her how much you truly care for her. I pray that you would help her endure this storm. Carry her through these tough times I pray. Satisfy her soul. I pray that your peace would guard her mind. In Jesus name, amen.
Thanks, Paula for the comment and compliment. It's an encouragement to hear your feedback. God continues doing a good work. Praise Him!
ReplyDeleteHi, Christina. Wow...we seem to be on similar paths. God is really after our hearts, isn't he? So precious...how he uses something so mundane as our eating to remind us of his constant wooing presence...
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how this seemingly mundane aspect is such a launch pad for deep heavy duty heart work! So strange but true. You have been a great encouragement to me as you have modelled surrender to the Lord, releasing your own expectations and pride. Thank you for your example. Whew, what a journey, I tell ya! It's crazy! But I'm hanging on for the ride, whereever God leads!
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