Sidetracked....

...by sickness then busyness lately. No excuse for putting in half-hearted effort, but that is why I haven't been back here lately.

I see a connection between when I am intentional and prayerful (building promise upon promise towards victory) and when I'm passive and trying to just ignore the problem of my extra weight away (compromise upon compromises towards failure).

I feel discouraged. But I don't feel ready to give up. Today the Lord spoke a powerful jewel of a verse to me in my readings.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Isn't that a cool verse?! As I read that verse, I was deeply deeply moved. It was one of those moments when I felt God reach down and personally say something to me.

I feel discouraged. I feel like this is an impossible battle to fight....especially when it means fighting this battle every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life. Yikes. That is a daunting task. I'm too discouraged to fight. I don't have the willpower, the strength, the motivation to fight the good fight.

But God will fight the fight for me! That's an amazing truth to let settle into the very crevices of my heart space.

And what am I to do? BE STILL.

On a practical level what does that look like for me?

I think it means I get up early each morning and take that time to meet with God and listen and be still. It means every choice in my day is characterized by a stillness before God, practicing His presence in every nook and cranny of every moment of my day. That thought excites me and scares me all at the same time.

But that is the fight. To be still. Before God. And He will work things out.

Ho Hum

Yikes, the week has flown by. I've been in a bit of a funk. Good news is my weight has stayed exactly the same for exactly a week. Bad news is my weight has stayed exactly the same for exactly a week. I'm happy and unhappy all at the same time. Go figure.

Whatever the case, things have been going okay in the 0-5 eating department. A couple slips everyday, but also eating within 0-5 more than I have for the past year. So I have a ways to go, but also have made much progress.

Anyways, I am thankful for God's love and faithfulness. Over the past week He has REALLY blown me away as I've seen Him orchestrate things more than usual with people around me. I feel so thankful to be part of His plan, His instrument in many cases. Just REALLY exciting for me to observe and be part of.

I had a few bits of dessert on Saturday at a potluck we hosted at our house. When my daughter saw me put a bite in my mouth she was mortified and burst into tears. She has been going so strong with the sugar-free approach and said how she was counting on me to be doing it with her. Needless to say I've got the best accountability partner you can imagine! And I didn't put another bite in my mouth after that. Of course I don't want her to get food diet issues in her life, so I suggested we need to communicate ahead of time if we are going to be going outside our usual plan.

That's it for now. Time to run!

Made to Crave

My supplementary reading thus far, since I started back on the TW journey mid-October, has been "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst then the TW workbook (just went through a week's reading each day - skipped the daily devo/questions) and now back to "Made to Crave" for a re-run as I think I can glean a bit more from this gem. So if you hear me bringing up "Made to Crave" again, that is why:-)

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"Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?" (Made to Crave p.28)

A heavy duty question, isn't it?! I think I fall into this category more often than I'd like to admit.

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"God never intended for us to want anything more than we want Him." (Made to Crave p.29)

I have been studying the book of John lately and today's reading was smack dab in the middle of a major "food" theme! Chapter 6 recounts Jesus feeding the 5000. It includes the testimony of Jesus saying He is the BREAD OF LIFE, the LIVING BREAD.

Jesus says, "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.” (John 6:27)

Physical food --> spoils (a good reminder for me yet again!)
Spiritual food --> more specifically JESUS, endures to eternal life

Now I need this to REALLY go from my head to my heart. I need to chew on this one for awhile. I just find it so interesting how often God uses food analogies/examples throughout scripture. He definitely designed our physical hunger to shadow spiritual hunger. I find this very interesting. We are to made to CRAVE Him, to FEED on Him because He gives LIFE eternally!

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"I used my cravings for food as a prompting to pray." (Made to Crave p.30)

As I step into the day ahead, here is my prayer....

"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up." Psalm 5:1-3

We Crave what we Eat

Interesting point to ponder (from "Made to Crave"). This can, of course, be true both physically and spiritually.

Physically, I'm finding that as I cut out high sugar items from my diet as I have done for the past month, that I'm beginning to adjust and be satisfied with fruit items to sweeten things up a bit for my taste buds. Especially bananas! I'm LOOOOVING bananas:-) They are finally getting used up before they turn black:-) The same can be said for salty items. If I just keep those chips away I'm okay with lower salt options...with less crunch. But when the chips are around and I really get into them.....well, needless to say, it's hard to stay self controlled....and I keep craving them and craving them! So I have to be careful what I fuel my body with. Because I want it to crave the good stuff:-) Not the treat stuff. The sweet & salty items can really act as triggers for me down the slippery slope to junky cravings....at least for this phase of my journey.

Spiritually, this definitely goes to the heart of the matter. The more we eat up God's truth, the more we will crave Him. The more I fill up on junky or fluff stuff to fill those spiritually or emotionally void places, the more I'll crave the junk and fluff. TV would be a good example for me. I definitely CRAVE some veg. time in front of the TV each evening. I'm not sure how to really turn the switch around to primarily crave time with God in those relaxation, veg. moments. I guess it may be similar to my battle with sugar. Gotta just carve out new habits to make way for new cravings? Fuel my spiritual cravings with Truth?

Woohoo!

The number on the scale finally moved down another pound. This may not seem like a big deal, but I've been seeing the numbers on the scale stay stuck for the past two weeks, so this is very encouraging for me.

The past 10 days have been a challenge (in regards to healthy choices, boundaries, surrender to God). God has been teaching me many things as I struggled to continue persisting.

I feel hopeful that I am entering a new phase as I invite God into this space of my life more fully.

God is not finished with me yet! He continues His work until it is completed! He is transforming me more and more into His image each moment that I surrender to Him. What a joy it is to soak in this truth.

Remembered!

Yay! I slipped away to the BR to pray before eating for both an afternoon snack and supper. I think there is something profound about this act. I can see how God will use these times to strengthen me and bring me to a surrender point and guide me. I may be able to actually experience some victory and headway in HIS STRENGTH!

Whoops!

Already hit with the forgetting habit. I was definitely rumbly hungry for lunch when I was at work this morning. As soon as I walked in the door at home I grabbed my lunch. Whoops! I was aiming to go to the BR and lay it before the Lord before digging into any meal.

A good reminder for me how easily I forget! A reminder not to forget:-) Hopefully I don't forget the reminder not to forget:-)

Prayer

What a messy past 8 days it has been with eating. Ugh. I know my blog has been reflective of that heart space I'm in. It is definitely discouraging. However I am NOT giving up! One clear observation I make is that I FAR too often go in my own strength....which is basically on empty! I don't engage in warring the strongholds of these fleshly desires to eat outside 0-5 because I don't have the strength to do it.

And I KNOW the secret to winning this battle is to go in GOD'S strength. And it's not like that conclusion just hit me today or anything! I've known this for years. But to actually apply it eludes me time and again. Sometimes just out of a forgetting habit and sometimes out of outright rebellion.

So here is where I step from today onwards for a time. I'll give account for how this has gone each day because I think it is very important. Here is the step I know I must take....

Every single time BEFORE I eat anything...I will remove myself from the temptation zone and go to my bedroom and pray, approaching the throne of grace with confidence because I trust that God will meet me in my time of need with His mercy and grace and I know He will help me (Hebrews 4:16). I can trust His word. I can trust Him. I trust Him to guide me in this process, each choice, each step of the way.

Observe & Correct

This past week has felt like a string of failures. Here are some observations & corrections I made this morning in my meditations.

My main question to myself was -
What are the triggers?
Can I pinpoint anything that has particularly drawn me down the slippery slope?

And I was easily easily easily able to identify the main problem.

LEFTOVERS - not just any leftovers....but rather leftovers from "take out" food - last Monday it was chinese food and this weekend it was pizza.

I don't believe it is wrong to order or to eat these foods. However, I am seeing some patterns developing.

Observations:

#1.) I am greedy. I don't want anyone else in the family to eat "my portion." So I jump the gun and eat it early in the day. That is a very very honest look at my heart. Not a pretty sight.

#2.) I am tired (from work, from errands etc.) and am weak and vulnerable to the cravings for these taste-bud ticklers:-)

Corrections:

#1.) If I save eating these kind of rich meals for supper rather than lunch (or breakfast!) then I usually can eat it in a balanced way. I usually create a bit of a plan for the day in regards to what I will eat (though I don't stick to it legalistically). I need to STICK TO THE PLAN! When I come to the fridge, feeling weak and vulnerable to these temptations, I really, really, really need to MOVE AWAY and take a time out with God, move to another room, pray and seek God's renewing of the mind.

#2.) On a very practical level, I should divide the food up (or at least my portion) into a container so I don't need to "worry" about it being gone by the time supper comes by. That may help me keep my resolve to save it for dinner, which I know helps me stay more balanced for the day.

Lord, thank you for these insights. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your forgiveness. And thank you for waiting for me with open arms. Thank you for giving me a fresh start moment by moment. Amen.

THIS moment is new!

I really found TW workbook week 8 intro spoke to my heart. Reading the story of Gideon and insights into that story, hit me in a new way.

"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior" Judges 6:12

I find it quite amazing that God called Gideon a "mighty warrior" when he was cowering and hiding from God. That encourages me. I tend to feel anything but a mighty warrior, but I know that in God's strength alone I am just that! Amazing!

I was also moved by this verse,

"I will wait until you return." Judges 6:18b

God waits for me! I can feel that to the core of my being time and again. I know He is just waiting for me with open arms. So why on earth do I make Him wait?! It's crazy!

And finally, I really appreciated this statement in the workbook,

"You may have 'blown it' a moment ago, but this moment is new." pg 49

More about THAT in my next post..... :-)

Practical Points

Here are some practical (mainly physiological) points I've taken from my TW workbook readings weeks 1-6:

- eat half portions
- watch beverages (they are calories)
- eat really small snacks
- let God have final word
- see how little I can eat
- move the food away
- put the fork down, enjoy the task
- practice leaving food on my plate
- fist size amounts of food
- prayerful fasting
- it's okay to skip a meal every now and then
- create an appealing table setting
- leave food at counter & serve individual portions
- at a restaurant ask for carry out container ahead of time
- reevaluate #5 (satisfaction)
- eating out? skip a meal that day to be at a sure #0 for the occasion
- rehearse for success
- tell yourself you are a "delicate eater" who prefers small portions
- let Go lead food choices
- dress for dinner (essentially don't wear your "fat" clothes to make room for food)
- use a knife and fork for foods usually eaten by hand (ex. pizza)
- coin reward for 0-5 successes
- take a time out when tempted....move away, pray etc
- be thankful
- Resist Satan. Draw near to God.

And the basic building blocks that I need to remember are the....

KEYS TO CONSCIOUS EATING
1.) Eat only when my body is hungry.
2.) Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
3.) Eat when sitting down.
4.) Eat when my body and mind are relaxed.
5.) Eat and drink the food and beverages my body enjoys.
6.) Pay attention to my food while eating.
7.) Eat slowly and savor each bite.
8.) Stop before my body is "full."

Stand Firm

So a quick update on Wednesday night. I don't feel it was a 100% success in the sense that I didn't reach a strong sense of hunger by late evening. There was a little edge to hunger and so I had some cheese toast, carrots and an orange before bed. If I had been a real clear "0" I would have felt more headway had been made.

I woke up the next day still feeling discouraged. I was frustrated with the # on th scale. I was frustrated with my lack of self control and compulsive nature with food. I was feeling like progress was just not tangible even as I put such effort into being intentional in this area and seeking God's healing.

And God gave me His word as I came to Him broken.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philipians 2:13

He said, "Christina, stand firm and don't let yourself be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. For it is I, GOD, who is working in you to WILL and to ACT according to My good purpose."

So I pray God will work this out first of all in my WILL, that He would provide me with the desire to do His will and give Him 100% of my heart space and secondly that He will move me to ACT in doing His will.

And last night I experienced a mini victory. I was going out with some girlfriends to a restaurant. I really didn't know what to order as I am still trying to limit super sugary things from my diet. I enjoyed the company of my friends....and ordered sweet potato fries with a garlic aeoli sauce. Oh my! I didn't feel "deprived" of sugar in the least!!!! :-) And my order of fries ended up being the biggest hit around the table (as I shared them with everyone...another mini victory) and a couple of them proceeded to order them too:-) Praise God for these little blessings and moment of freedom. :-)

Craving...

sugar? I think that must be what I'm going through right now. Once again at lunch I had a reasonable portion of food and felt fairly satisfied. But then I had the cravings hit me full force..... I just wanted sugar in all honesty. I had my eye on some chocolate. I bypassed the sugary treats. However, instead I started grasping at other stuff - some casserole I had just finished preparing for supper, toast with pbutter & honey...... I didn't feel past #5, and my tummy actually felt that really contented feeling. But I know it was far more fuel than my body needed for 5 hours.

So, where do I go from here?

For starters, Lord I am sorry for not seeking Your face again. I want to crave YOU first and foremost. And second, I am committed to waiting for the next wave of hunger. No snacking tonight unless I'm hungry! I'll come back and give account in that regard.

Chinese food...

.....has definitely been part of my downfall today. Craved more last night. Waited it out. Couldn't wait until supper. Ate it for lunch. Along with some other stuff. Some of it healthy. Some of it not (though still avoiding the sugary stuff). Knew I'd regret it later in the day. Feeling compulsive. I was going to bypass supper. But then still craving food, food, food.....anything in sight!

Is this a reaction to the number on the scale after being so consistent this week (a very miniscule amount of weight released)?

Is it something related to my TOM?

Is it a reaction to halloween extravagances surrounding me?

Or could it just be eating chinese food for lunch....which really wasn't a wise choice for me because I knew I'd never be hungry in time for supper that way?

So, to bed I go. Thankful for a loving, forgiving, faithful, merciful Heavenly Father. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for a warm house. Thankful for my jobs. Thankful:-)