Legalism vs Freedom

My surrender journey took a more intense turn about one year ago, starting February 3rd 2008. I was 172 lbs one year ago and now am 153-155lbs. Prasie God for that miracle! Looking back I wanted to share one thing that has changed in the past 6 months in particular.

I was first introduced to hunger/fullness eating in 1998 through Weigh Down. As I remember the few years from 1998-2001, when I was more on track with hunger/fullness eating, I can see that legalism was completely holding me captive. I may have lost 50 lbs, but I was living in a prison of my own making.

My typical menu:
Breakfast: I'd start off the day with a small bowl of cereal or a yogurt and fruit (both healthy and delicious choices, clearly). I didn't go off course with these "safe" choices, because then I wouldn't "know" when I'd be hungry next...
Lunch: I'd usually have a piece of toast with cheese and a piece of fruit or I'd have another bowl of cereal with bananas and raisins. I'd very very very very rarely go off of those menu items.
Supper: Everything was up for grabs because I didn't have to worry about timing as much. I was not very conscious of what it felt like to stop at satisfaction.

I knew an apple would take me an hour to digest. A bowl of cereal would take 3 hours. etc. I was bound to a whole new "diet"! I feared trying new things because I didn't want any guess work with regards to when I'd be hungry. I dreaded going out with friends and encountering "different" choices.

This approach towards "timing" foods is still necessary at times I must admit. It helps with pre-planning, particularily when I want to be hungry for a special meal etc. However, it also can become a hinderance as I really wasn't FREE!

Since Summer '08 I feel there has been a marked difference in my approach towards eating. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my kids are in school full time so I have more flexibility with my eating? I feel a degree of *relaxing* into hunger/fullness eating. I have experimented more with what I like and don't like, what I'm craving etc. It's been good.

Of course this has also come at a cost as I have struggled to be consistent with 0-5 eating. It's tough to patiently wait for hunger when Idon't know how long I'll have to wait! Regardless, it has taught me many lessons...

I have learned not to actually focus on the food as much. That may seem strange because all of a sudden my menu options have expanded (though I do go in spurts with certain foods day after day...yet I'm not afraid to try new things now)! Somehow being free to choose has helped me focus on the present more. Hmmm...as I write this it seems a strange paradox!

Somehow being free to choose WHAT I eat has freed me to NOT think about food as much! And in the process my focus has shifted away from "controlling" my eating to focussing on feasting on God's word and on Him and leaning on Him.

So, despite the weight fluctuation in the past couple months I can truly say God has His hand in this, doing a "good work" in me. I can see some rhyme and reason to the past few months :-)

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

Seek first his kingdom... Somehow true freedom and satisfaction is found when we seek God. I guess that makes sense since this is the way God "wired us" and made us. We were made to glorify Him and seek Him. Nothing else will click with us like that! When I seek to control my life~my eating, my finances, my friendships, my family, my work, my schedule....my focus often veers far from God's purposes and will and His best.

About Me

I decided to put the snapshot of me and my weight release journey at my old blog address here.

The Lord's Table~Day 7, 8, 9

Day 7~Happy Are the Helpless

This lesson has resonated with me a number of times over the weekend because I truly feel quite helpless and starving for Jesus! For quite some time now I have felt very convicted how sinful I am. I have clearly seen the foothold satan has in my life, particularly in regards to eating. I know I am not glorifying God in all that I do.

This lesson was an encouragement to me because it reminded me that God is near me, does not despise me, dwells with me, revives me, esteems me and offers healing...as I humbly approach Him with empty hands.

Emptiness precedes fullness. We cannot receive from God until we have empty hands. He who recornizes he has nothing to offer God will receive everything from God.

A starving heart will give all to have the Bread of Life. It is only the hungry that sense their need of Jesus, not the full. TLT workbook
pg21

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Day 8~The Cross

Overeating is defined as continuing to eat past the point of receving all we need to sustain our lives. TLT pg24

Oooh.... I have gone past the point of satisfying hunger many times based on that definition.

This lesson zones in on how sin separates us from God and how Jesus Christ is the solution to this problem. Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for my sin. Thank you, Jesus.

I appreciated the following words...

The purpose of Jesus' death is two-fold: first, that He might remove my sins from me and second, that He might heal me from going astray and bring me back to God. It is GOD'S work to remove our sins from us, it is GOD'S work to heal us from going astray and it is GOD'S work to cause us to return to the Shepherd and Overseer of our souls. TLT workbook pg25

And then the lesson moves into reflecting on (1) what I used to be, (2) what God has done and (3) what I am now.

(1) I used to be completely undisciplined in my eating. I can remember as a teenager, arriving home after school and digging right into a massive bowl of ice cream. I would sneak food as my cravings would hit. Even within the past couple years I can see myself at the kitchen counter eating cupcake, after cupcake, after cupcake as my cravings seemed insatiable. Sadly, I remember that I VERY rarely experienced true physiological hunger.

(2) God has done a good work in me (and continues!). He has equipped me, strengthened me, convicted me, loved me, shown His mercy and grace to me. He continues to convict me and impresses on me the need for further surrender. As I repented and sought to glorify Him with my eating, turning to His Word for guidance I began to experience hunger regularily throughout each and every day. Thin Within sure helped align my thinking with God's Word, for which I am very thankful. I began to experience real gratitude and appreciation for all the gifts He gives. The tentacle of greed and gluttony began to gradually loosen their grip on my heart. And, all glory be to God, I released over 20 pounds in six months!

(3) Currently I'm still struggling with some roots of greed for food that still remain dug down deep in the soil of my heart. I'm experiencing a level of victory but I see that it is still incomplete. I'm still often serving two master--God and food. So I continue to move forward seeking God in this area of my life.

Probably the most powerful portion of this lesson for me was the following quote...

The reason that we are showing it [overeating] to be a sin is because
we must learn to abhor our sinful eating addictions and habits. We must begin to detest them with all of our being, and to think of them as a sin against our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, in order to truly turn away from them and find victory. TLT workbook pg27

Oh how I long to HATE the sin of overeating and eating outside the boundaries of 0-5! I really and truly want to HATE and DETEST that!!!! I don't want to trivialize this sin or make exceptions left right and center!


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Day 9~Living Water

The story of the woman at the well, from John 4, is the main focus of this lesson. I love this story and the picture it paints. This lady needed water and Jesus was there to offer so much more. He doesn't offer a bandaid. He doesn't offer her just a single cup of water. He digs down deep and heals. He offers a never ending, overflowing WELL of LIVING water!!! That's pretty cool!

I know in the past I was looking for that bandaid and that single cup of water. I was not focussing on God as my source of motivation and strength. I was definitely not drinking of the Living Water.

I want this to change...permanently. I want to drink of the Living Water~Jesus.

More of Him. Less of me. May I decrease and Him increase. Amen.

Thin Within~Day 16

First of all, pertaining to the chapter, I'll recap some of the answers I've previously typed up for the significant times exercise in this chapter (sorry for repeating myself to those who've already read these answers before!)...


Significant Time #1 – Major relocation
Where were you?
Moved back to Canada (parents were missionaries overseas)
Who was with you?
My family
How did you feel?
Lonely, lost, bitter
Was there a shift in your weight as a result of this incident?
Yes. I gained 45lbs from grade 7 (the year I moved) to grade 9.
What decisions did you make as a result of this incident?
Food changes, eating habits changed. I no longer was under the rules of dorm life and had the freedom to snack when I wanted on what I wanted etc.
Did your self-esteem increase or decrease?
Decreased a little, but then that is probably normal in the teen years! But I still had a fairly healthy self-esteem.
How did this incident affect your view of God?
Drew me closer to God.


Significant Time #2 - Marriage
Where were you?
Current city
Who was with you?
Jon, my husband
How did you feel?
Happy, loved, really enjoying being a homemaker, loved experimenting with cooking and baking.
Was there a shift in your weight as a result of this incident?
Yes. I gained 25lbs in the first year of marriage.
What decisions did you make as a result of this incident?
With baking, baking, baking came lots of eating!!! I no longer had ANY rules to live by as I could buy/eat whenever/whatever I wanted. I also was eating in sync with my husband's BIG appetite! I could easily eat as much as him, unfortunately.
Did your self-esteem increase or decrease?
Neither.
How did this incident affect your view of God?
Didn’t affect.


Significant Time #3 – Pregnancy #2
Where were you?
Here in our current home.
Who was with you?
family
How did you feel?
A bit out of control with eating, uncomfortable, had morning sickness, loved being able to eat, eat, eat for two!
Was there a shift in your weight as a result of this incident?
Yes. I gained nearly 50lbs in my second pregnancy and not only was left with a stubborn extra 10lbs postpartum, but also began to struggle with yet more weight gain in the years that followed.
What decisions did you make as a result of this incident?
I felt like the pregnancy was licence to eat as much as I wanted. Morning sickness also made me always question whether I was hungry. My greed for food came back full force.
Did your self-esteem increase or decrease?
Neither.
How did this incident affect your view of God?
Didn’t affect.


The following quote was in today's chapter... I really needed to read this today.

As we have seen in previous days, no failure, mistake, or sin is beyond God's ability to redeem. It is in this place that you can see just how much you need Him and just how capable He is to meet all your needs. TW pg164

That being said, I have to confess that yesterday I *DID NOT* follow God's leading of being surrendered and obedient to the boundaries He had convicted me to errect. I gave my day to the Lord and started out walking in surrender and was well aware that Satan would be out to destroy and steal, that he would be the "thief." I knew he would be prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. I knew all this and yet was not self-controlled and alert. I did not resist the devil.

My eating went smoothly up until after dinner. I had a moderate amount of sweets while our friends were at our place. But then after they left I was craving some relaxing time with some sweets (and popcorn) in hand. And that is when things got completely out of control as I binged on candy bars. I find it really hard to use the word *binge*....but that is truly what it was.

As I step back and observe (and certainly confess to the Lord) I can see that the slippery slope started when I took those extra treats after our friends left. Once again it is one of my usual triggers--I usually want to sit back, relax and enjoy some sweets after all the work of hosting company. I've pinpointed this before. I need to pre-plan for these "trials," and watch and pray, looking for the Lord's provisions rather then giving into my flesh machinery.

So, I move forward. I look to the Lord to pick me up out of the slimy pit...

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

Here's my eating log for today:

0-4 at 1:15pm (hungry at 12noon)
0-5 at 5:30pm (hungry 3:00pm but waited until I got to my parent's place for dinner)

Thin Within~Day 9

God uses each and every experience of our lives to shape us. I am reminded of the image of the front and back side of a tapestry. As one friend pointed out recently the underside of the tapestry looks like a mess of threads going in directions that seem to make no sense at all! There are many colors of threads....and it just doesn't seem to make sense why there would be BLACK thread visible... Yet each and every color, woven in this precise fashion, is needed to make the beautiful front side of this tapestry. Even the black (symbolic of difficulties and trials) is needed to make the tapestry the masterpiece that it is!

Often life just doesn't make sense. Often it takes a long time before we begin to get a glimpse of the bigger picture, of the tapestry of our life that God is weaving. Many people experience deep valleys which seem to make no sense... But God will use all this to shape us, maturing and equipping us.

I appreciate this quote from Joni Eareckson Tada:

God uses suffering to purge sin from our lives, strengthen our committment to Him, force us to depend on grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, spend our time wisely, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase faith, and strengthen character. TW pg 88

And the verse that has been in my thoughts and prayers so often lately, highlighted once again in this chapter....

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

I am so thankful that God has a purpose in all things.

Here are a few of my own life challenges that I highlighted when I first started my blog:

1.) Boarding school for my elementary school years.
It had it ups and downs. I felt fears and resentment at times. The experience nurtured me socially and has been used by God to make me into the person I am today. Having spent so much time with my peers during those growing up years has definitely shaped my approach to socializing in the present.

2.) Moving back to Canada at 12 years old.
I felt bitter and alone. As a result I made new friends, adjusted to Canada at a much earlier age then other MK friends of mine, which is a blessing in disguise! It has also spurred me on to befriend others as I understand what it feels like to be the "new" person!

3.) My daughter had Kawasaki Disease at age 3.
It was a heart wrenching time and I cried out to God more then I ever have in my life as her life hung in the balance. As a result I experienced greater intimacy with God, saw prayers answered and can now empathize better with others in similar situations.

4.) And now I can also add this weight struggle to the list!
Nearly a year has gone by since I first picked up a copy of this TW book. As I posted yesterday, many changes have taken place since last October! I have been overweight for most of my teenage/adult years... Yet it is through this "struggle" that I am growing spiritually...and have "shrunk" physically:-) Praise God for that!

Now onto today...

Christmas drama practice started at 8:30am. I wasn't hungry when I headed out so I just brought along an easy breakfast to eat when I got hungry, which worked well for me. Then the afternoon was tiring as I went shopping... I'm *not* a fan of shopping...especially on a Saturday afternoon! Anyways, I got through it! When I got home I was quite tired, hungry and grouchy...which was disappointing as I have been feeling challenged to not only surrender my eating, but also my emotions. So my family walked on eggshells for most of supper...and I knew I really needed to turn over a new leaf and offer them sincere appologies...so I did. The day has ended on a good note, for which I'm thankful:-)

Here's my exercise and eating log for today...

Exercise: x (I know I need to get moving this week!)
Eating:
0-3 at 8:45am
0-5 at 12:45pm
0-6 at 5:45pm

I was thinking about 0-5 eating today. I was thinking how I have realized my need to surrender each and every moment to the Lord in regards to eating. I continue to consider each and every 0-5 eating experience a huge victory! As I drove home from shopping this afternoon and felt my tummy rumble at about 4:30pm...I immediately started praising God and thanking Him for allowing me to feel this hunger and thanking Him for providing for my needs. I don't take this for granted as I have spent so much of my life NOT following 0-5 eating.

Okay, enough rambling from me tonight! I'm off to bed :-)

Jogging, Wind & Persevering

(Not me in this picture btw--just found it online, thought it was fitting for this post!)

As a child I believed I was a complete failure at running. I hated running or relay races, even baseball…probably largely because of the pressure of others watching me run in these races…and knowing I’d inevitably be the slowest!

Well a few years ago I decided to give running a try again. I started running 1 km and then eventually began frequently running 2 km (with some walking breaks of course!). I discovered I wasn’t a complete failure at running after all! It was really my beliefs about myself that were setting me up for failure. What a joy it was to discover I could do it after all!

This spring I decided to push myself a little further and began running 3 km. I didn’t find it that crazy difficult so yesterday I decided to try a 4 km run….and managed to do it without much difficulty! Woohoo! Maybe I’ll work my way towards doing a half marathon next spring…we’ll see!

I’m guessing some lessons could be gleaned simply from that little rambling…about how we need to look at what we believe….and what we believe should be grounded in God’s truth. Just like the story of the eagle who believed he was a chicken!

However that’s not why I’m rambling about jogging! When I went jogging the other day it was like the wind was my helper on the first stretch of my run. However when I turned around to run back I discovered it was pretty challenging to run into that wind and keep pressing forward! In that moment I knew God was teaching me a lesson.

Sometimes on this “thin within” journey it seems like I have smooth sailing, the wind pushes me forward. God's presence is very real to me. 0-5 eating seems pretty straightforward with no real challenges that seem insurmountable. I feel like I’m in the “zone”. And weight seems to melt off my body.

At other times I feel like everything is a challenge. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle (and not the kind of “losing” that I want!). I stray from 0-5 eating very easily. I struggle to experience God’s strength at these times. I feel like a failure at these times. Yet, I know I must keep pressing on…I have to get home after all! I know that God is with me through all the ups and the downs of this journey. He is teaching me things through both the "easy" and the "hard" times. I know I've quoted this verse many times, but it touches me every time I read it:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

And then of course this verse also encourages "pressing on"...

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:14

I think the reason this hit me was that right now I’m feeling like I’m running into the wind, struggling to keep pressing on. I have not been living my life fully surrendered to the Lord (particularly with eating) the past few days. I don’t like having to admit this! But it’s true! I don’t know why I’m having such trouble.

Why am I willing to walk away from this “great project” that the Lord is working in my life?

Why am I eating past full?

Why am I not spending enough time focussing on God, his constant presence and his plans for me?

Why am I not relying on God when he promises to equip me and strengthen me?

Why am I hard hearted, hardly caring that I am making choices that are displeasing to God?

Why does it not make me feel truly sorrowful?

My heart is heavy as I ponder these questions...

Oh Father God, I want to have a soft, tender heart. I want to live a life pleasing to you. I want to glorify you in all I say and do. Please forgive my rebellious heart. Help me walk the path of your provision once again. I look to you for grace, mercy and strength at this time, with the assurance that you are indeed working through these times to make me mature and complete, not lacking anything. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thin Again - ch 1

Here are my answers to the questions at the end of chapter 1:

What is disordered eating?
- preoccupation with food/eating
- food is used to insulate or numb emotional pain
- food is used to satisfy unfulfilled yearnings to be loved, cherished, adored
- food/eating is used to try to achieve some order in a disordered life
- joy/pleasure of eating has been lost
- food/eating cause a disruption in life
- food/eating control us rather then vice versa
- food has become an enemy rather than a friend

Describe your disordered eating.

I can relate to preoccupation with food/eating and food/eating controlling me. I don’t struggle with this on a constant basis…though usually a daily basis.

What are the causes of disordered eating?

Trauma, abuse, having been a very sensitive child, controlling environment, lack of validation of feelings.

List the possible causes of your disordered eating and how they have influenced your eating.

Looking back I see one thing that certainly affected my eating patterns at an early age. I spent my elementary school years in boarding school. I lived by the same schedule as everybody else (a very “controlled” environment…our life was lived as a community so it was very rigid). I was used to eating at certain times, only being able to eat certain things, no freedom to go and grab a snack or make meal choices etc. When I returned to Canada at age 12 I suddenly had that all stripped away. I began to get a little carried away with the “freedom” available in a home environment and also the abundance of “junk” that is a little more readily available in North America. In many ways I wish I was given me a bit more structure and guidance and suggestions on healthy eating habits at this turning point of my life. Age twelve, height 5’6”, I went from a healthy 115 lbs to an overweight 160 lbs in a matter of 2-3 years. I don’t cast any blame, but do notice that this was a turning point for me. And I think the main culprit was truly a change in structure from a controlled environment to a free environment. And then of course the next step was moving out and getting married….yet another step in an even more “free” environment. And my weight spiralled out of control yet more….from 175lbs when I got married to 205lbs on our first wedding anniversary.

Top Left (12 yrs - 115lbs)
Top Right (15 yrs - 160 lbs)
Bottom Left (newly married - 175 lbs)
Bottom Right (1 yr later - 205 lbs)

Summer 2007 at about 175 lbs

At this time in my life, I think the main causes of my disordered eating are generally just my own lack of self-control and rebellion…and also love for food. I find that whenever I face one of my “triggers” (fat machinery – TW chapter 11) I experience disordered eating. So, for example if I’m out for a meal, baked a batch of cookies, feel particularily tired and exhausted, if I have some treats lying around the house….these are the moments that I become preoccupied with food (and getting what I want…right NOW!) and this is when the food almost controls me (feels magnetic).

What is silent hunger and where does it come from?

Our longing for intimacy where our deepest needs for security and significance can be substantially met. It is one of our most basic human needs. God intends our deepest need for intimacy to be met in relationships, heavenly and earthly.

What are impediments to intimacy?

Rejection, death, abuse, enmeshment, abortion, adoption.

How have these impediments impacted your life? What counterfeits have you turned to in attempting to satisfy your God-given need for intimacy?

I don’t think I can relate to any of these at this time in my life.

View my Daily Food Log here.