TW Summer Study - day 6

Day Six ~ My Body, God's Temple

The following quote really resonated with me,

You are an expression of His glory, created in His image to know Him personally and to make Him known. (TW pg 57)

This chapter began to introduce the concept of "fat machinery".

Anything that pushes us toward eating when we aren't hungry, when we're not yet at that empty 0 runs counter to our godly goals. (TW pg 57)

Four categories were unpacked: conditioned or habitual responses, beliefs, past stories and failures.

An easy way for me to view fat machinery is to think of it as triggers. I'll unpack them a little more in the next chapter post.

In the meantime another thing that stood out to me was the portion or the chapter in regards to the scale. I feel bad because this past week I slid back to using the scale. I was hoping I had finally moved to a phase of the journey where I no longer needed or felt compelled to use it.

Last week's weigh-in was a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. I felt like I'd been so consistent and was in such a good place with TW and my body and with the Lord. To see 159lbs looking back at me on the scale was discouraging. I felt like my "obedience" was not being reflected on the scale. Anyways, I did not slide into a deep pit of muck and mire like I have at other times on my journey...but it did throw me for a spin. It certainly pushed me to make some observations about why I am this weight. I now feel it was a needed reality check.

I still don't exactly know what role I want the scale to play in my journey. Maybe I need these reality checks every now and then.... The following quote from this chapter spoke to this approach to the scale...

We often think things are better or worse than they actually are, so prayerfully using the scales as a reality check from time to time is OK. TW pg 59

I like the concept of the scale being my "reality check" not my "club of condemnation" (or excuse for "permission to celebrate with food").

Once again I feel God's peace and perspective flooding my soul. I want to continue letting this journey flow as it flows, without forcing it into a specific box or form.

TW Summer Study - day 2

Day Two ~ Getting to Know the Me God Has Made

As I settle in, ready to type up my thoughts on this reading, I am being drawn to the title of this chapter. As I focus on it after reading the chapter, everything I read is beginning to gel together.

Here are a few quotes that I want to highlight:

God is love. (1 John 4:8) His is an active love... He was inspired to initiate relationships with human beings from the beginning of creation because it is in His character to love... Our God is also amazingly creative... TW pg 18

[God] wants to be your constant companion on your journey to healing and wholeness. TW pg 21

By eating from 0 to 5, you will be on the path to the natural size He designed you to be. TW pg 24

I find that last quote, about the natural size, quite compelling. It's something I wrestle with. As I lay aside the man-made scale in favor of applying observation and correction under the canopy of God's grace....I am reminded to accept and love the way God has made me, just the way I am. Some days it is harder than others. Today I'm feeling a little "blobby".... As I think about swim suit weather around the corner, I have to confess I have my own "self-focussed" concerns about how my body looks...

However, there is no way I want to get off this path! I love the more "organic," natural, gracious flow of using the 0-5 scale rather than the bathroom scale. It resonates with me. I feel myself relaxing into God's will and leading. I trust Him. And I feel loved by Him.

The verse at the beginning of this chapter jumps out at me as I envision this journey being a lifelong trek, a marathon not a sprint...

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:4

God's love and provisions really are mind boggling, aren't they?! I'm thankful that He is my constant companion on this journey, for He really is the only One who can sustain and carry me to the end.

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

He's the One who loves me and brings me to the finish line! Thanks, Lord.

Flowing

Once again, praise God for victory steps He has granted me. This month has been going the best yet (in regards to eating/exercise) since probably about October. Knowing the scale is gone from my life is very freeing. Surrender to the Lord in regards to eating/exercise is flowing. And I can also see surrender to the Lord in other areas beginning to once again be stimulated. I feel like I've gone through a dry spell, spiritually speaking, for the past 1.5 months. Nothing like dry spells I went through in past years, but in comparision to the hunger/thirst for God that I have experienced this past year (in particular January-March'09) this past 1.5 months I have felt a bit complacent in my quiet time with the Lord, in memorizing scripture, in prayer, even in outreach and ministry. I feel God fanning the flame once again.

Freedom

As I reflect on the past week, since I decided to throw out the scale, I am amazed at the difference it has already made!
I feel FREE...free not only from the condemnation/shame that comes attached to the number on the scale...but also free to succeed. I'm not sure that makes any sense!

Somehow I'm finding that each moment COUNTS with this approach...in a grace-filled, God focussed kind of way...not out of guilt or shame or anxiety about paying for slip ups when I step on the scale.

I don't feel anxiety. I feel peace.

I don't feel shame. I feel healthy and strong.

I don't feel out of control. I feel myself leaning on the Lord, in constant conversation with God asking for His empowerment and direction.

I have been longing to just meet my body's sustenance needs, not going past satisfaction or overindulging. And strangely enough I think I finally feel free to begin to start cutting back portions a little! What a crazy, twisted perspective, isn't it?! Of course I was always free before, but somehow, if I was to be honest and dig deep, I felt resentful about it. I think I'm ready to come at it from a healthy perspective, not feeling put in a corner.

Lord, thank you for this past week. Help me glorify you with my body. Help me be satisfied and content with simply meeting my body's needs. Thank you for freedom! Amen.

Throwing out the Scale!

Okay, maybe not literally as my husband still uses the scale quite frequently. So I am throwing out the scale figuratively.

However, I think I'm ready to set it aside....forever! *gasp* Yes, I said FOREVER! I'm not sure if I'm just on one of my rollercoaster rides again! And I'm not 100% sure if I'm being motivated by denial...not wanting to see the # on the scale. I don't *think* I am...but it could certainly be one of the feelings in the whole mix.

I thought the month of March was just amazing. I went with the flow of 0-5 eating. I had my slipups, but didn't pull out the club of condemnation much at all. I was active. I felt beautiful. I was finding great satisfaction in the Lord, filling up on Him. I was actually quite shocked when I saw my weight had climbed a bit.

I stepped on the scale a number of times for the month of April....and noticed that my weight fluctuated, mostly settlling below that shocker # that I saw after my month without the scale. But I noticed that my eating slipped and slided a lot more. I also noticed that the club of condemnation was pulled out more. And I noticed how the way I viewed myself was quite affected by the # I read on the scale.

I preferred how the month of March went. I appreciated the "flow." I don't know if that makes sense. I realize that no one notices the difference that 5 lbs makes on my body (10lbs yes, but 5 lbs no). Therefore, when I start to feel fat and blobby and ugly simply because of those fluctuating 5lbs it begins to work against me and sends me spiralling more out of control.

This morning I was hit with an old realization in a fresh way...

I want my focus to be on getting rid of GREED (for God's glory) not getting SKINNY (for my glory).

I felt like I was suddenly released from unrealistic expectations of myself. All these years I've been aiming to hit that 147lb mark that I was prior to kids...and I keep failing to meet that mark. But I want eating 0-5 to be part of the very fabric of my life, an internal motivation, not an external motivation.

In order for me to remain intentional, I know that I really need to continue filling out my eating and exercise log each and every day. This is my way of being honest with myself and also documenting any patterns that may be developping. I also will continue observing/correcting and truth journaling. Once again this is about being intentional and being transformed from the inside.

What does this look like in the long run? Will I gain weight? Will I lose weight? I don't know! And I actually am pretty much at a point where I don't care!!!! (I can't believe I actually wrote that!)

What I DO care about is being obedient to the Lord, finding soul satisfaction in Him alone, filling up on Him, daily following my God-given hunger/fullness signals, aiming to be as conscious and present with my eating as possible, aiming to fill my body with whole-body pleasers more than teasers and staying active. That's the stuff I care about!!!

I'll let you know if this approach sticks. I think I've been journeying to this point for quite some time now...and may finally be ready for this step!

Truth Journaling ~ Weight Gain

I have been working through "Freedom from Emotional Eating" by Barb Raveling. I have come to realize it is time for me to more frequently apply "truth journaling" as described in this book. I can see the parallels with the Thin Within concept of observation and correction. I think I'm going to try regularily posting some of my own truth journaling.

I'll start with a core situation/belief/emotion that I'm dealing with lately.

Situation:
As you will know, if you've been following my blog, is that I've struggled with gaining some of my weight back (8-10lbs to be specific), after releasing 24lbs.


#1. I'm not very attractive unless I'm in my BMI zone.
I'm always beautiful. The Bible says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) It also says that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Prov. 31:30) Beauty is from the INSIDE.

#2. I'm never going to be able to make headway and experience lasting victory with regards to weight. Lack of belief that I will actually overcome.
God promised me (November 2007) that He is going to bring this good work that He started to COMPLETION. (Phil 1:6) Trust Him! I need to cling to God's word when I doubt I will actually overcome. The following two scriptures need to be clung to...

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we
ask--we know that we have whatever we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

#3. I feel defeated.
The One who is in me is greater then the one who is in this world. (1 John 4:4) I am a LEARNER not a FAILURE! Each step back is simply a learning moment. Never consider a single defeat a final defeat (can't remember who that quote is from, but it sticks with me). I can't...but God you can.

#4. I feel humiliated.
Others are experiencing the same things as I am. I don't need to worry about how others view me. Keep my eyes fixed on God. Keep abiding with Him, clinging to Him.

#5. My self esteem feels low.
I really just need to dwell on Zeph. 3:17 as described in my previous post to remember how God views me. To be dwelling on self is a distraction that comes from the devil. My eyes need to be fixed on JESUS! When my value comes from Him, there is no room for these kinds of thoughts. He loves me. And He lives in me! What greater value can I have then to know that God, the GREATEST Treasure, lives in me, and that His power gets to be on display in my life!

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7

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I'm kind of new at this truth journaling, so this may not flow quite as smoothly as it will with time and practice. I can really see the value of doing this on a regular basis.

Okay, that's it for my blog bog today!!!!

On the mend...

Well I have entered the land of the living once again! Whew, I just went through a brutal stretch of sore throat and fever (potentially strep). Anyways I'm on antibiotics and am feeling much improved.

I have felt very off with regards to eating/exercise and also quite unmotivated and "down." I haven't spent much time in the Word this past week. ugh. I can feel the dryness in my soul. I need some quiet time with the Lord. In regards to abstaining from sugary stuff...well that all went out the window (jello, freezies, hard candy lozengers may have soothed my sore throat but didn't help my "treat free" resolve). I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm doing with the whole scale thing. My husband thinks a little differently then me as he is a daily weigh-er.

Being right around that 160lb mark again and then being out of sync with eating really did a work on me! But, I think I need to come to terms with the fact that my journey will likely never be one where I reach my goal and just STAY there! I think my journey will likely remain one where I have to FIGHT to stay there, to maintain a healthy weight/lifestyle. I think this is something I must come to terms with.

The proud side of me would like to have this wonderful testimony that I have released 24+lbs and it hasn't crept back on because I've been changed/healed/restored. But I have this sneeking suspicion that this may not be the path of my life. I suspect God is going to continue using this particular area of my life to sharpen/transform me and keep me humble....indefinitely! I'm not sure I'll ever be "there" until I reach Heaven when the Lord brings His good work to completion. And I need to be okay with that. And I need to keep fighting the good fight. And I need to find a way to keep pressing on. And even bigger then that I need to learn what God wants me to learn so that I can be used as His instrument with others. My heart's deepest desire is for God to use me for His purposes and His glory!

This journey has been about so much more then just eating cardboard and cabbage (okay, I have never done that!) and exercising like a maniac (which I have never done in my whole life by the way)! It's been about growing more like Jesus, about there being more of Him in my life and less of me, Him increasing and me decreasing. THAT is what has been truly astounding about this whole journey. It's been awesome! Okay, all that being said, I think I gave myself the pep talk I needed! I'm ready to get back on that "wagon"! I'm not giving up. I'm going to draw near to the Lord and rest in His peaceful presence. I'm going to keep my mind stayed on Him. And I'm going to let Him guide me and use me for His purposes.

On a really positive note, I'm totally pumped because I'm starting into a new workbook that I ordered, "Freedom from Emotional Eating" by Barb Raveling. I'll keep you posted as I journey through that book.

Weigh-In Day

I REALLY don't feel like posting this post....but I know this is part of the journey and I won't shie away from being transparent about it.

So yesterday was weigh-in day. I stepped on the scale after staying away from it since February 20th. Oh how quickly I pulled out the club of condemnation as the scale read I’m up another 3 pounds since I last weighed. That means I’m up 10 pounds since September 2008 – from 149 to 159 pounds. Ugh.

All sorts of thoughts swirled through my head. Of course the big one being that I somehow think I NEED the scale to maintain/lose weight… Another thought that ran through my head was “This 0-5 eating doesn’t work to lose weight!” (which I know flat out is a lie, since it HAS "worked" for me and many others!). I rarely go there with my thoughts, but I have to admit I went there yesterday! Then there were the other familiar thoughts: failure, the past repeating itself, defeat. It feels like the story of my past few years. I’d lose weight. Gain it back plus some. Lose weight. Gain it back plus some. And on it went. I don’t want to continue yo-yoing like this. I feel tired of this battle.

Right now, thinking of myself as 159lbs (keeping in mind that this is on my scale...the doctor's scale would probably add another couple pounds to that #....making me well outside my BMI again *sigh*)... Back on topic, thinking of myself as 159 lbs makes me feel very unattractive and fat. I could actually feel the “blobbiness” descend on me like a cloak, immediately after the weigh in. What on earth is up with that?! Prior to stepping on the scale I felt strong, healthy, slim, empowered. Stepping on the scale and seeing this # is certainly a wake-up call. One I perhaps needed. But at the same time, the thought of living in the shadow of this piece of metal’s “judgement” of me just doesn’t appeal to me any longer.

As I reflect on the past month, I have to admit that I absolutely relished the past 1+ months, living free of the scale. Eating 0-5 seemed to flow fairly naturally every single day, at basically every meal. It was a beautiful thing to experience. I kept careful track of my hunger #’s and food eaten. I can see habits changed. I can see heart changes. One of the most beautiful things about tracking this way was that I would sometimes feel the club of condemnation pulled out for slip-ups…but rarely would I feel “fat” or “ugly” or “unattractive” when exclusively using the 0-5 scale. I simply observed, corrected, and saw each slip up as a potential learning experience to grow further surrendered to the Lord.

One of my first responses was thinking that I needed to step on the scale daily once again. Track it. Mark it down. And in all honesty, stepping on the scale daily has a positive aspect. I have no clue if my weight today was a “blip” in a string of on-track weigh-ins…or was it a true reflection of my past month’s struggle/victory steps? I really have no clue. That bugs me. That is probably one of the only positives for a daily weigh-in. I see the fluctuations and don’t get as “thrown” off when I see a higher # occasionally.

My other response, which I believe is a true conviction from the Lord, is to cut out desserts for the next month. I think this is where the real slip-up has happened in the past couple months. The “love” of sugar has its tentacles gripping my heart. And it is time to be set free from that, no longer mastered by anything but Christ. I have noticed that this is definitely the biggest struggle I have with staying on track 0-5. I think my dessert consumption has resulted in me stretching my hunger #’s. The thought of bypassing the dessert after dinner, when I’m at a clear #5, hardly enters my mind. I’m greedy for that sugar. I’m longing for that treat. It’s what I’ve been waiting for all day long. Honestly, that’s the truth. That is the sin hiding away in the secret place of my heart.

I contemplated what it would look like to cut out desserts for the month in conjunction with stepping on the scale daily… And I have to say this is where I have changed. It was like a light bulb went off in my head…or maybe my heart. I don’t want to step near that piece of metal. I don’t want to feel “righteous” if my weight goes down. I don’t want to feel “fat” when my weight goes up. I just want to go with the flow, walking in step with the Spirit. I want to simply focus on obedience and surrender to the Lord.

So, that is where I’m going to track. I feel the Lord calling me to greater obedience, less focus on the # on the scale, more focus on Him. I know it is going to be tough cutting out desserts for the next month (although I will make exceptions in social situations if it is within 0-5 as I generally don’t struggle with moderation in those situations). I know that it is time to move into a “discernment” phase. I have seen very clearly how much of a stronghold sugar has in my life. And I need the Lord to set me free. I need to be able to see that the LORD is my portion. He satisfies…even more then sugar!

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Psalm 119:103

I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. Job 23:12

God calls me to so much more than simply being consumed with weight and the number on the scale. He wants my heart…ALL OF IT!

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

And I want Him to have all of me! I have seen how God has used this weight surrender struggle to draw me into a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I have had an insatiable appetite and hunger and thirst for the Lord and his word the past few months, unlike I've ever experienced before. I praise God for that! I don’t simply want to travel this journey to end up self-controlled and disciplined…I want it to be about so much more than that. I want His glory to spill over and out through me with the fruits of the spirit so evident - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

May my life be a fragrant offering to you, my Lord. Mould me. Use me. Change me. Renew me. Transform me more into your image. May I reflect your glory more and more each and every day, and become pure as gold through these tests. Amen.

Legalism vs Freedom

My surrender journey took a more intense turn about one year ago, starting February 3rd 2008. I was 172 lbs one year ago and now am 153-155lbs. Prasie God for that miracle! Looking back I wanted to share one thing that has changed in the past 6 months in particular.

I was first introduced to hunger/fullness eating in 1998 through Weigh Down. As I remember the few years from 1998-2001, when I was more on track with hunger/fullness eating, I can see that legalism was completely holding me captive. I may have lost 50 lbs, but I was living in a prison of my own making.

My typical menu:
Breakfast: I'd start off the day with a small bowl of cereal or a yogurt and fruit (both healthy and delicious choices, clearly). I didn't go off course with these "safe" choices, because then I wouldn't "know" when I'd be hungry next...
Lunch: I'd usually have a piece of toast with cheese and a piece of fruit or I'd have another bowl of cereal with bananas and raisins. I'd very very very very rarely go off of those menu items.
Supper: Everything was up for grabs because I didn't have to worry about timing as much. I was not very conscious of what it felt like to stop at satisfaction.

I knew an apple would take me an hour to digest. A bowl of cereal would take 3 hours. etc. I was bound to a whole new "diet"! I feared trying new things because I didn't want any guess work with regards to when I'd be hungry. I dreaded going out with friends and encountering "different" choices.

This approach towards "timing" foods is still necessary at times I must admit. It helps with pre-planning, particularily when I want to be hungry for a special meal etc. However, it also can become a hinderance as I really wasn't FREE!

Since Summer '08 I feel there has been a marked difference in my approach towards eating. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my kids are in school full time so I have more flexibility with my eating? I feel a degree of *relaxing* into hunger/fullness eating. I have experimented more with what I like and don't like, what I'm craving etc. It's been good.

Of course this has also come at a cost as I have struggled to be consistent with 0-5 eating. It's tough to patiently wait for hunger when Idon't know how long I'll have to wait! Regardless, it has taught me many lessons...

I have learned not to actually focus on the food as much. That may seem strange because all of a sudden my menu options have expanded (though I do go in spurts with certain foods day after day...yet I'm not afraid to try new things now)! Somehow being free to choose has helped me focus on the present more. Hmmm...as I write this it seems a strange paradox!

Somehow being free to choose WHAT I eat has freed me to NOT think about food as much! And in the process my focus has shifted away from "controlling" my eating to focussing on feasting on God's word and on Him and leaning on Him.

So, despite the weight fluctuation in the past couple months I can truly say God has His hand in this, doing a "good work" in me. I can see some rhyme and reason to the past few months :-)

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

Seek first his kingdom... Somehow true freedom and satisfaction is found when we seek God. I guess that makes sense since this is the way God "wired us" and made us. We were made to glorify Him and seek Him. Nothing else will click with us like that! When I seek to control my life~my eating, my finances, my friendships, my family, my work, my schedule....my focus often veers far from God's purposes and will and His best.

Keeping on keeping on

(This is just a google image by the way! I'd never be that brave!)

It's amazing how one day (or even moment) I feel in a place of surrender to the Lord...and then within moments, minutes, hours, days I'm in a place of rebellion and not listening to or leaning on the Lord.

I've had a couple "off" 0-5 eating days once again. It's at these times that I get discouraged. But one thing I've realized in the past day is that I *do* keep on keeping on:-)

I know that our God is a gracious, forgiving, personal, merciful, loving God... I know that He is walking right alongside me throughout my entire life journey.

I feel I need to take the step and do some observation and correction in regards to my past weekend and week. I've pinpointed that tiredness is a major hinderance when it comes to 0-5 eating. I am definitely vulnerable and VERY open to temptation. I go into a willful rebellion mode in those moments. Sometimes it is mindless...but most times I'd say it is willful.

So, what can be done???

Here are some ideas I've brainstormed in this moment:
1.) Take a nap when I'm tired.
2.) Lie down and shut my eyes and meditate on the Lord, be quiet before Him and acknowledge His presence and also His promises to help and strengthen me.
3.) Stop, watch and pray.
4.) Delay and put off giving in to the temptation at hand.
5.) Put some God-honoring music on.
6.) Crack open the Bible. God may speak to me in that very moment through scripture.
7.) Call a friend.
8.) Write out what I'm feeling. Maybe I could delay by coming straight to this blog and typing out what I'm feeling in that moment. This may be the way out that God is providing me at that very moment.
9.) Make a cup of hot herbal tea (no sugar/cream) and savour the flavor and aromas, curl up and relax.
10.) Get busy with something else--reading, crafts, watch a t.v. show, go for a walk, read a story to the kids, chat with my husband, go on the computer etc.
11.) A hot bath may be just what I need in that moment...plus it would help me delay (aka stop), relax some tired muscles, be quiet, and pray.

There are probably many other ideas that I could come up with... These are just a few that come to mind at this moment.

I have to confess too that I really don't know what to do about the scale. I have hopped on it a couple times in the past week, despite my plan to wait until the end of the month. It was a bit discouraging to see 152lbs on the scale... However I have noticed that I tend to fluctuate between 149-152 lbs lately. Maybe that is entirely normal. I hope so. I just don't want to let the weight creep back on. I'm afraid of failure once again. I'm afraid of NOT keeping on keeping on....

So, I give this to the Lord. I give Him my heart, confessing I have missed the mark again and again, that I have been willfully rebellious and that I long for sin to be purged from my heart and life. I want Him to make me new. And I want Him to help me keep on keeping on.... And I'm thankful for His pardon, presence, provisions and power that He is making so readily available to me EACH moment of EACH day! Thank you, Lord!

Another Three Days (and a weigh-in)

Well, another three day time period has come and gone. I have felt so thankful for this challenge to push myself to focus on a three day stretch at a time. It really helps me to not see temptations as "just this one time" because it is part of a three day chunk of time.

I felt like eating 0-5 was almost like breathing the past three days. It felt like it just fell into place wonderfully and came naturally. I hope and pray this continues. I know God helped me through a few tempting spots as well...one of them being when my husband was eating ice cream late at night and I didn't join him as I wasn't hungry. Praise God.

I stepped on the scale as I'd felt prompted to do on this day. I'm a little discouraged because the scale reads 151 lbs. However, at the same time I'm not letting it pull me down or derail my progress. I think the #'s may reflect a bit too much dessert at night. I think I've been a little greedy in that regard.
And then I also haven't been hungry as early in the morning as I used to (used to be hungry by 7:30am...but lately it's been closer to 9am). My observation from this is that I'm probably eating a bit too much at suppertime (particularily in the sweet department). I need to re-examine my #5 for suppertimes.

For some strange reason I just feel at peace right now despite not seeing progress (even a couple pounds up) reflected on the scale. I know that I'm in the place I want to be in regards to eating, exercise and most importantly in my relationship with God. I also know that I don't want the scale to be a central part of my journey. I'm not really sure when I next want to step on the scale, but I'm leaning towards the end of next month. (in some ways I want to discard it until xmas! but that seems a bit too bold at this time! i'll see if I continue to feel led to that!)

So I continue pressing on. I want to continue with these three day challenges and focus on dealing with temptation head on. I also can see that I need to focus on not being mastered by sweets. (I've had a lot of ice cream and mini coffee crisp bars this past week) Praise God for helping me through each moment though! I'm really thankful for His presence, provision, pardon and power! So I continue on....onto another three days:-)

New Creation

Well, the last few days have been going well. I am feeling amazingly free with the goal of staying away from the scale. I think I just *may* be ready this time! I think I feel ready to be weaned and focussing on the 0-5 scale instead. Praise God!

The last few days I have been thinking that I need to take each moment at a time and focus on victory in the PRESENT moment. I wanted to take three days with no excuses, no rationalizing when wanting to eat outside 0-5. I was going to say I did two days 0-5 eating already....but actually looking at my private food log I see that it actually was only Tuesday that was 100% and today has been good....each moment I choose to be obedient to God certainly DOES feel like a big deal!! So, I will continue with the three days plan for today and tomorrow. I want to take these tempting moments as opportunities that I *really* do go before the Lord...as far too often I bypass fighting the temptation and I do things in my own flesh.

These verses really spoke to me on Sunday in my devotions...

"Lord God, in my inner being I delight in Your law, but I see another
law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. How wretched am I?! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:22-25

I can totally relate to these verses! I often feel like a prisoner to my fleshly desires--greed and gluttony, lack of self control, strong emotions, a loose tongue and more... Oh Lord, how wretched am I!!!! Thank you for providing a way out of this mess through Jesus Christ!

Then Monday morning as I was jogging (boy do I ever have some good times with God in those moments:-)...the following verses began to hit me...

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ
lives in me." Galations 2:20

Wow, I really AM a new creation! Why do I doubt this and live like I'm the "old" creation?! Satan keeps on dragging me down with temptation and with discouragement... But I'm not that "old" person anymore...the "old" has been crucified and Christ lives in ME and I've been made NEW! Praise God for these miracles!

Then I read this thread on the thinwithin forums and was greatly encouraged and challenged... I found it encouraging reading how others deal with temptation head on. It's time for me to really and truly do the same as I am a NEW creation! I desire to glorify God in all I eat, drink, think, say and do. I'll end with some these inspiring words...

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we TAKE CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

Scale Challenge

Okay, I think it's time to take on the scale challenge once again...or more correctly the "no scale" challenge! So I'm going to take on a manageable goal first. I will aim to not step on the scale until September 21st, nine days from now, also marking the end of my 30 day food log challenge and completion of the TW book once again. Then after that I will hope to lengthen the time scale-free to a month...

I'm so curious what my natural God-given body weight will end up at. I wonder if I will need to accept my body being around this 150lbs mark... Maybe this is the way I'm just meant to be. I pray that whatever size I end up stopping at, as I obediently follow my God-given hunger/satisfaction cues, that I will accept and embrace and love the way God created me to be ME:-)

Last night I ate supper when I wasn't hungry. I felt that I "needed" to eat at that time as we had a busy evening ahead (although deep down I think I knew there was a bit of rationalizing going on). However, what I found so interesting about last night was that I actually found the idea of eating unappealing (yet sadly, not unappealing enough to not eat at that time *sigh*). I felt like it was a sign of going in the right direction though...more so if I'd followed through!

I pray for more of those kind of moments when to eat at anything but #0 is actually undesirable! If that happened regularily and I actually followed through and did what I know deep down is right and pleasing to God, that would actually be a miracle I tell you!!!

Taking one step at a time...

I can't believe how busy life is right now! I'm adjusting to my two jobs: lunch monitor at school and teaching piano two evenings a week....plus trying to keep up with all the other tasks around the house, husband, the kids, friends, church, exercise, cooking, my blog, emails etc...!

I trust that things will settle down in the next week or so and that I'll be able to take a breath and find a good rhythm for each day! :-) I have many dreams and plans but am ever mindful that I need God's direction and guidance each step of the way. I've been on the treadmill of life so frequently (even when I was a stay-at-home mom!!). I don't want to feel like I'm on that treadmill again! I want to move forward with God's purpose and direction EACH and every step of the way! So I am moving forward cautiously mindful that...

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

In regards to eating... I've had my ups and downs. Since my last post I've really been zoning in on doing more observing and correcting. I think this has been a step in the right direction. I am feeling a little convicted about my food choices. I feel that I may need to be more discerning in what I eat...though I'm not entirely convinced enough to overhaul my food choices... One step at a time in that regards. Also, I'm feeling a slight nagging conviction to start leaving that last bite as a sacrifice to the Lord once again. I'm not looking forward to that...which tells me that it really does need to be done!!! God is prompting and working to cut out that root of greed obviously! Also, I feel convicted to really pray each and every time I eat that God would tell me when to stop... I haven't been doing that lately either. One more step in surrender.

Another thing I have been feeling convicted of lately is to put the scale away for a time. I am not sure when and for how long...but I am feeling led to do this. It would be absolutely amazing to live without the need of the man-made scale to maintain my weight! That would be really awesome! I think this is the direction I want to go.

I'm trying to stay active and fit some cardio exercise in every other day or so. I've really been enjoying it so far. I don't set high expectations! I just want to do something that gets my heart pumping a bit extra a few days a week:-) This morning I was thinking that I want a "healthy heart" and "marvelous muscles":-) That's my goal:-)

In regards to time with the Lord... I am trying to carve out time with Him. I still want to develop my time in prayer with Him more. This is one of my big goals this year. I can relate to Heidi's post today about being still before the Lord. I want to just bask in His presence. As I get used to the routines in my life I hope to carve out time to spend in concentrated time with Him...and of course continue seeking to practice His presence each moment of the day. I have been doing the "Breaking Free" study by Beth Moore and getting a little bogged down as I can't relate to much of the material (though it is an INCREDIBLE study!). I'll keep on doing the study as often as I get a chance as I'm sure there will be things God will teach me through it... I went back to the daily study of David (another Beth Moore study that I was working through) and once again the Lord spoke to me through my reading today... This was encouraging for me! I am so thankful for God speaking into my life and uncovering areas that need to be further surrendered or focussed on. The thing that stuck out for me today was not allowing bitter roots to grow.

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15

I right aways knew where God was directing my attention!

So, I think that is my life in a nutshell! I have ups and downs and everything in between! I am so thankful that God is God!

Weight Released!

I was so nervous about stepping on the scale this morning. Lately I have felt a bit like a child on a bike with the training wheels removed! Putting my food/exercise log on hold and keeping it private proved a lot harder then I thought it would be. As I began to struggle a bit more with consistency I began to doubt that my weight would be maintained (and certainly doubted a loss).

Anyways, this morning I stepped on the scale and I'm down another pound! Yeah! I felt God reassuring me that I just have to keep pressing on, that I don't need to fret so much about the ups and downs. I just need to fix my eyes on Him and keep pressing on.

So I'm officially down 18 pounds, from 173 lbs to 155 lbs. Thank you Lord! One more pound to release and I'll be in the official bmi zone:-) Also once I get to 153lbs I will feel like another marker is reached as this was the lowest I ever got after my second pregnancy (and that was only for a couple weeks!).

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness, even as I stumble and fall. Thank you for your help and strength. I pray that you would continue to change me from the inside out. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Heidi's blog got me thinking...

I have been reading through Heidi's blog starting at the beginning of her journey and have been really convicted and challenged through much of what she wrote.

I was thinking at supper tonight about the "giving up the last bite" plan being unnecessary as long as I stop at #5. Well, I think it is a really good practice for me to continue... Why am I even fighting it??? I know it is because I want to eat ALL my food!!! So, I will continue sacrificing some of the food on my plate to the Lord.

The other thing that I know I need to do, that I have read in various places (the latest being Heidi's blog), is to pray and ask the Lord for direction when to stop eating. I really need to start implementing this more. I need to trust Him. I have found it quite bizarre how I actually have a little burp (would air bubble being a nicer description?? :-) when I'm satisfied... Yet so often I push past that and want to continue eating as much as I can within the parameters of 0-5. I feel quite convicted that I'm being disobedient in this. Sometimes I don't get this "air bubble" but still know I've had enough to satisfy. I'm kind of toying with the idea of actually exercising (jumping rope or running) immediately following dinner... Wouldn't that be a good challenge!!!

I also am feeling challenged to wait for really clear hunger signals. I find it particulary hard to discern what my #0 is when I don't get the rumble in the belly. These are the times that I often rationalize my way through the "Am I hungry yet?" question.

Also in regards to the scale.... What an up and down rollercoaster this has been! I read how Heidi would pray and ask God to reveal when she could step on the scale... Interesting thought. I am not sure I am called to wait an entire month (until mid-July) as I originally planned. I guess I have fear of gaining weight when I'm not really consistent with 0-5 eating. I'd rather just know where I stand with things and then keep pressing forward. I'm not sure if this is *wrong* or not... I have to admit I'm a little scared to step on the scale tomorrow morning (which is my current plan). I certainly feel challenged to possibly make it a once-a-week weigh in. I'll just have to bring this to the Lord and follow His leading.

Eating without being accountable to others as I was before, is a bit tough I find. I find I'm not eating quite as consistently 0-5 as before. Why is that!!! Strange I know! Anyways, I plan to keep on growing in this area as I don't think it makes much sense to keep on posting everything I eat for the rest of my life! I know I'm going in the right direction with this one.

Also, I'm having more trouble with regular exercise. I go through my spurts all the time...and really want to get back into regular exercise again. Not sure why I fall off the exercise band wagon all the time! It's not like I set myself up with lofty unrealistic goals! I know it is just laziness!

In regards to time with the Lord... I just am blown away by how He is becoming more a part of each moment. I'm also blown away by the hunger and thirst I have for His word. Thank you Lord!

Well, that's an update at my end. Reading Heidi's blog certainly got me thinking and reflecting! Thanks, Heidi! God continues to use your journey and words to encourage others! What a testimony to His power and grace! You are shining for Him and bringing Him glory! Thanks!

Progress

My friend Marcie noticed my discouragement over the past while and gave me this wise advice:
"Maybe you can make a list of all the positive changes you have made--in order to SEE how far you have come and not get discouraged."

What awesome advice! I have decided to do a bit of looking back at where I've come from, the progress I've made and also look forward to where I want to go from here.

What I have learned:

I feel free from the consuming thoughts about what and when I’m going to eat. I don’t think about food all that much anymore actually! I feel like I’ve placed food in a right place in my life, relinquishing the mastery that it once had in my life.
"'Everything is permissible for me'—but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me'—but I will not be mastered by anything.” 1 Cor 6:12

I tend to eat within 0-5 most times. In fact eating 0-5 has become more natural over the past two months, with the exception of this past week! Praise God for this progress!

I usually apply the keys to conscious eating--sitting down to eat, reducing distractions, making sure my mind and body are relaxed, paying attention to the foods I’m eating, eating slowly and savouring each bite. This has all become more second nature as well, praise the Lord!

I have learned to observe and correct, generally withholding the club of condemnation and rather choosing to dwell on God’s grace and mercy and umpteen chances to start over again.
"Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord'--and you forgave the guilt of my sin." Psalm 32:1-5

I have pinpointed triggers (aka “fat machinery”) that often nudge me outside 0-5 eating.

I have become more intentional about planning for trials in advance.

I have become more comfortable eating in social situations, finally coming to the place where my focus is on the reason for the occasion (which is usually NOT food!). I have learned to put my fork down and take sips of water between bites and enjoy the company of friends and family.

I have released 17 pounds in the past 3 ½ months.

I have found amazing supportive like-minded friends, surrounding myself with an amazing Christian community.

Oh how I have come to love spending time in God’s word. I have been so hungry for time with Him over the past month in particular. I am also growing in the area of praying scripture, which has been one of my goals for quite some time. I have learned to rely on God for strength, surrendering more of myself to Him. And He has proven Himself so faithful. He really does satisfy so much more then anything else in this world.
“Taste and see that the LORD is good.” Psalm 34:8

Moving Forward

I am beginning to feel God telling me to loosen the grip of some of my more “legalistic” approaches toward TW.

“If you find yourself on the path of your performance, you can jump ship into an ocean of grace, deeper than any sin, broader than any transgression. It is cool, refreshing, and free. It cost our Savior everything, but in His love He offers it freely to us.” TW pg 41

I need to continuing focussing on observing and correcting and experiencing His grace and forgiveness. I know I’ve posted this so many times but some of my favorite quotes are:
I am a LEARNER not a failure.
"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." F. Scott Fizgerald
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6

This statement really stood out to me last night:
“Thin Within has helped me build my life in the present. It freed me to enjoy and praise God while in process, rather than waiting until I had achieved my goal.” TW pg 42

I need to live in the present, not so consumed with my goals. Even if I stayed at the weight I am right now, yet had a tender obedient heart towards God, I should be praising God and accept myself the way I am and keep the focus on Him and on my heart relationship with Him, not on self.

I am feeling nudged towards letting the scale go until mid-July, allowing 0-5 eating to be my scale. This is an area I truly desire to grow in and have struggled so much with. We’ll see how that goes! This will be a tough one!

I am going to keep my food log private for now, with the hope and prayer that right eating will flow in right relationship with God, rather then needing approval from men.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Gal 1:10
As I kept my food log public I know that I was certainly caring about appearances...which in turn motivated me to make better choices… I know this accountability tool good to a degree as I began to experience God’s victory with the previous mastery of sugary treats. I know progress was made as a result. Now I need to rely on Him and allow 0-5 eating to flow even more naturally in my life.

I also want to work on key #2 to conscious eating: reducing distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
“Ponder relishing a quiet meal, where you can be sill and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) when you eat… The Lord wants us to experience both His provisions and His peace.” TW pg 8
I would like to invite God more and more into the entire meal experience 100% of the time.

I continue wanting to practice His presence as well. I want to keep hungering and thirsting for His word and time with Him. I look forward to spending time with Him in His presence as we enjoy more time outdoors in God’s creation over the next two months.

May this verse be true in my life, Lord…
“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Cor. 3:18

Goal #5 - not met

I'm a little sad to say I didn't quite meet goal #5 of waiting until next Friday to weigh-in. I was trying to go 2 weeks without weighing myself... I got through one week though. I don't believe weighing myself weekly is a problem in itself, but I had been feeling challenged to extend the length of time between weigh-ins for this month...probably because the scale clearly has a little more power then it should have in my life at this time.

On the positive note, another pound was released this past week which was probably because I was fairly consistent (through God's grace, strength and power which equipped me of course) with 0-5 eating (even with a bit more ice cream and chocolate in my food log entries lately then I would prefer). Even more importantly I feel God is doing some heart work in me.

I need to learn to just trust Him and trust my body... Actually this is all ringing a bell.... I was just reading Thin Again chapter 6 last night and this paragraph stood out for me:

"The healing process continues as we put ourselves in a safe environment characterized by ongoing support, honesty, unconditional love, prayer, and the Holy Spirit's love and power. In Thin Within support groups, workshop participants continue to meet and hold each other accountable. The support groups remind us that the basis of this new relationship with food, eating and our bodies is trust. First, we trust God who created our bodies. Second, we trust our bodies to signal true hunger and to tell us which foods will satisfy us and when we have eaten "0" to "5". In the context of a loving support group, where we are gathered in God's name, we extend that trust to others as we continue to allow our grave clothes to be unwrapped. 'For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them' (matt. 18:20)" TA pg 112

I need to trust God first and foremost (in ALL areas of my life--food and non food) and trust the body that He has made to so ingeniously be just the right size when eating 0-5! How awesome is that! Now I need to internalize all that and REALLY trust!

Goals - checking in

Checking in on the goals I set for May 30th :

Goal #1 - 157 lbs by May 30th
I reached 157lbs this week, praise God!

Goal #2 - continue exercising 3-5x each week plus of course flyer delivery walk 2x/week
I have been exercising about 3-5x each week generally...although could up that a little.

Goal #3 - find balance in everday activities, start learning some spanish
I'm having trouble finding balance in everyday activities and I haven't started learning spanish yet.

Hitting the 150's is a huge step for me. It also comes with some new baggage. After my second child was born in 2002 I seemed to hit a wall with my weight and stayed stuck at 157lbs for about 3 years. My weight didn't seem to fluctuate at all, no matter how much I worked at it (which in hindsight I'm not sure how consistent I was). Then my weight started to spin wildly out of control the past two years, climbing FAR from the 150's, into the 170's.

I feel like I'm entering a new phase as I face old battles, old failures. I feel like I'm hearing a whisper in my ear saying "Remember how impossible it was to get below 157lbs last time. I'm not sure it's possible...." I need to move forwards....and stop acting like a chicken and act like an eagle! LOL! I need to remember "I'm not a FAILURE, but rather God's SAINT by calling who fails!" (TW pg 98)

As I read over my TW journalling I noticed a few quotes from TW that deal with failure that have really spoken to me:
“He knows we will fail even before we do, but it is not His will that we fail without benefiting or maturing in some way from the experience.” (TW pg 99)

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” (Denis Waitley TW pg 95)

And of course, one of my favorites:
"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat."
F. Scott Fizgerald

I know God has a plan in all this. This scripture sure has been an encouragement to me:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

So, with all this in mind my new re-adjusted (from original) goals are:

Goal #1: HEART changes - a more surrendered close relationship with God and practising God's presence more moment by moment day by day

Goal #2: 150 lbs by the end of the month

Goal #3: Exercise 3-5x each week for at least 20 minutes

Goal #4: Learn some spanish, spend time with the kids focussing especially on devos with them, and find balance in life.

I've found myself drawn to the scale far too often this past week. Thankfully it doesn't send me spiralling out of control. However the thing I have noticed that I don't like is how my mind has been focussing too much on a # (even though it has been all good news this week--yeah PTL!). My focus slides away from God and the heart work He's doing...and ultimately that is my #1 goal - to be in a more surrendered close relationship with God. So, I want to form another goal, which I know will be difficult for me to do....

Goal #5: Only one mid-month weigh in to check progress this month - maybe mid-June.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms..." Ephesians 1:18-20

Thin Again - ch 4 Questions

Chapter 4:
Conscious Eating Not Compulsive Eating

What does the word “deliver” mean?
a rescue from the power of.

What does the word “freedom” mean?
God rescues us from the things that prevent us from living by faith.

What is “fat machinery”?
Anything that makes you eat when you’re not at “0”. I think of it as triggers. Ones that the author pinpoints are: conditioned and habitual responses, old unworkable beliefs, scales, past experiences and failures.

List any fat machinery that may have contributed to your disordered eating.

1. I bake, I eat—taste test trap…and often the trap continues to lure me if it is a sugary treat.
2. I’ve got to finish up this tempting food item so I’m not going to be tempted by it anymore.
3. It’s mealtime.
I enjoy food a lot and relish hot items hot out of the oven. To wait often means settling for less tasty food. I find baked items continue to tempt me when they are in the house as I have quite a sweet tooth.

4. I’m already off track so it’s license to stay off track!
5. I have failed so often, I will probably fail again.
This one has plagued me over and over again. It’s all about each moment and each choice.

6. Social events.
When it comes to social events I just let my guard down and find it hard to focus on the other, more important, reasons (other then food) for the social time.

7. I don’t want to wait for hunger.
Greed once again at the heart of the matter. Also, at times there are practical reasons. I find those a bit more tricky to deal with.

8. I’m tired and need a pick-me-up.
When I’m tired I find that I figure food will give me that extra energy boost I need….it often does. Eating after hosting company is another thing I’ve been in the habit of. I tend to not enjoy my food as much when I’m hosting (as I focus on all the details and on the company), plus I’ve usually made something extra tasty and sweet, so after company leaves I often just want to relax, kick up my feet and have that one last little treat.

What is true hunger?
“True hunger is a physical sensation in the body caused by the need for food.” TA pg 71

This link describes hunger quite well. I also liked this quick summary of the Weigh Down book's eating when you're hungry approach.

What is appetite?
“Appetite is a habitual desire for some gratification, either of the body or the mind, that food won’t satisfy even though we think it will.” TA pg. 71

How has your bathroom scale been part of your fat machinery?
“What happens when you wake up in the morning, step onto the bathroom scale, and see (arghhh!) that you’ve gained two pounds? You decide that your current efforts to lose weight aren’t working, so in your frustration what do you want to do? EAT! And what happens when you step onto the bathroom scale and see (yeah!) that you’ve “lost” a few pounds? What do you want to do? EAT! You decide to celebrate your victory with a hot fudge sundae, right? Either way the act of weighing has not served you.” TA pg. 74

This describes what I’ve experienced quite thoroughly. At times I can detach myself from the mastery of the scale in these instances and allow it to simply be a feedback tool, but at other times it simply does exactly as described above. It is a fine balancing act for me. I would like it if the scale would have no power over me. At this point in my journey I’m concentrating on the 0-5 eating being “scale”.

Write your understanding of the grace principle of observation and correction.
I simply acknowledge and note when I have made a choice that works contrary to 0-5 eating. I try to take note what I did and why I did it. This is my way of acknowledging before God that I have not been obedient and say “sorry”.

Correction (which I haven’t noted as much as observations) is what I can do different next time so I don’t make the same mistake again. It essentially is the conclusion of “sorry” as I repent and turn away… I think it is time to take note of corrections more often so I can change and grow more.

“A grace-oriented approach allows us to observe our behavior and correct it when we recognize that it does not serve our goals or God’s purpose for us.” TA pg 79

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." F. Scott Fizgerald