Goals - checking in

Checking in on the goals I set for May 30th :

Goal #1 - 157 lbs by May 30th
I reached 157lbs this week, praise God!

Goal #2 - continue exercising 3-5x each week plus of course flyer delivery walk 2x/week
I have been exercising about 3-5x each week generally...although could up that a little.

Goal #3 - find balance in everday activities, start learning some spanish
I'm having trouble finding balance in everyday activities and I haven't started learning spanish yet.

Hitting the 150's is a huge step for me. It also comes with some new baggage. After my second child was born in 2002 I seemed to hit a wall with my weight and stayed stuck at 157lbs for about 3 years. My weight didn't seem to fluctuate at all, no matter how much I worked at it (which in hindsight I'm not sure how consistent I was). Then my weight started to spin wildly out of control the past two years, climbing FAR from the 150's, into the 170's.

I feel like I'm entering a new phase as I face old battles, old failures. I feel like I'm hearing a whisper in my ear saying "Remember how impossible it was to get below 157lbs last time. I'm not sure it's possible...." I need to move forwards....and stop acting like a chicken and act like an eagle! LOL! I need to remember "I'm not a FAILURE, but rather God's SAINT by calling who fails!" (TW pg 98)

As I read over my TW journalling I noticed a few quotes from TW that deal with failure that have really spoken to me:
“He knows we will fail even before we do, but it is not His will that we fail without benefiting or maturing in some way from the experience.” (TW pg 99)

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” (Denis Waitley TW pg 95)

And of course, one of my favorites:
"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat."
F. Scott Fizgerald

I know God has a plan in all this. This scripture sure has been an encouragement to me:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

So, with all this in mind my new re-adjusted (from original) goals are:

Goal #1: HEART changes - a more surrendered close relationship with God and practising God's presence more moment by moment day by day

Goal #2: 150 lbs by the end of the month

Goal #3: Exercise 3-5x each week for at least 20 minutes

Goal #4: Learn some spanish, spend time with the kids focussing especially on devos with them, and find balance in life.

I've found myself drawn to the scale far too often this past week. Thankfully it doesn't send me spiralling out of control. However the thing I have noticed that I don't like is how my mind has been focussing too much on a # (even though it has been all good news this week--yeah PTL!). My focus slides away from God and the heart work He's doing...and ultimately that is my #1 goal - to be in a more surrendered close relationship with God. So, I want to form another goal, which I know will be difficult for me to do....

Goal #5: Only one mid-month weigh in to check progress this month - maybe mid-June.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms..." Ephesians 1:18-20

Greed

Greed reared its ugly head for me last night again. I didn't eat a huge amount at supper but still felt a little past satisfied. I feel saddened that I went for those candies after a very satisfying meal. But greater then just eating the candies was my heart attitude last night with them. I need to be on my guard and be prepared for temptation. I need to remain surrendered to Christ and living in His strength and power.

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4b

Thin Again - ch 5 Reflections

“In peeling away (the grave clothes), layer by layer, your beliefs, experiences, and self-concepts, you will learn to establish a mastery over eating that will serve you for the rest of your life. As you wrestle with your relationship with food in the present, day after day, you need to remember that God has something particular in mind for you where food, eating, and weight are concerned. God is at work in your daily dependence on food, calling you to listen to your silent hunger and to let him satisfy your deepest longing. God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity." TA pg 100-101

This portion of chapter 5 really stood out to me. I know that God is calling me to learn about surrendering to Him…in ALL areas of my life. He wants me to depend on Him and find complete fulfillment in Him. I also know He has a purpose in all of this! How exciting to be part of that!



As I contemplate how each moment matters, I am struck by how this “most basic function of our daily life” could be likened to the talents that the servants were entrusted with in Matthew 25:14-30. Though this may not be a typical interpretation of talents, I have been thinking how talents (in the context of this story) could also refer beautifully to challenges or hurdles I face in surrendering everything to Christ. He wants me to be faithful with the talents He has given me, no matter what the size (no matter how big the challenge). The servants were entrusted with different amounts of talents, to do the best they could possibly do with them...all for the master's benefit. When the master returned, he rewarded those who were good stewards of the talents by allowing them to share in the "master's happiness." I desire to be like the servants who made the most of what they were entrusted with. I want to do it all for my Master's benefit and glory and be able to share in His happiness.

“I commit faithfully to myself and to God, acknowledging that I am valuable enough in Christ to fill my life with good things—things that please me on all levels and that are pleasing to the Lord. Releasing the beliefs that do not reflect God’s truth, I also release the excess weight.” TA pg101

On the weekend Heidi was mentioning how it would be good to discover non-food treats. What else do I find fulfilling and enjoyable and able to bring as great pleasure (or even more) than a big bowl of ice cream? What else could draw me away from a bag of salty “addictive” chips midway through and really grasp my attention? What else could make me forget about the fresh cinnamon buns on the counter? Definitely something for me to ponder and discover!

I look forward to the day when I can say that chips, ice cream, social outings, camping etc. don’t set me off spiraling into gluttony. I look forward to the day when this surrender with 0-5 eating just flows naturally from me and is not stressed about or worried about, but just naturally lived. I look forward to the day when I find my most treasured moments spent with Jesus. I find great hope in this verse:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

Rainbow Promises

Remembering God's Faithfulness

May 2008

Back in late November 2007, just a month into reading and following the principles outlined in the "Thin Within" book, God spoke to me in a special way. As I see all the heart changes God has worked in me I can't help but remember what He said to me six months ago! I am blown away by His faithfulness to me. So here it is....

Rainbow Promises

November 27th 2007

This morning God spoke to me! During my morning walk, as I was praying, I saw a rainbow in the sky....not just any rainbow, just part of the rainbow sticking straight up into the sky with no arch. I was struck with the beauty of it, in the midst of the bitter cold morning and many feet of snow sparkling on the ground all around. I was fascinated by how it was just a partial rainbow and it was also such an unusual time of year to see one....I don't think I've ever seen one in the midst of winter. And then it struck me what God was saying to me.....

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6

The partial rainbow is similar to how I am also God's work in progress. And I know that He's not done with me yet, but will finish the work He started in my heart. Praise God!


-------------------------------------
Edit note: Updated

Rainbow Promises
November 27th 2008

One year ago I received this promise from the Lord. Looking back I can see more progress...and my eyes are also opened to the roots of sin that still entangle my heart. But ultimately I continue learning and growing in the Lord!

I'm actually quite excited as I have started studying "The Lord's Table" workbook. It is once again highlighting the root of my problem with food and weight~my appetite for God must increase and my appetite for food decrease.

More of Him and less of me.

He must increase. I must decrease.

So I have been "feasting" at the Lord's table more lately. I hope and pray that in 6 months I can look back and testify that indeed the Lord has truly cut out the root of greed in my heart, that I have no desire to eat when not hungry, that I am not mastered by sweet treats, that I turn to God when I am tempted and so much more. I want to live the abundant life that God offers as I follow Him.

So I continue clinging to God's promise to me...

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6

Thin Again - ch 5 Questions

Chapter 5
Worth not Shame

Define shame.
"A feeling that we are defective, valueless creatures who do not deserve the good things in life." TA pg 86

Do you experience a sense of shame over any aspect of your personality, appearance, or past? How does this shame affect your sense of self-worth?
Once again I know I will not be approaching this question the same way a person who has gone through many valleys and deep difficult times. I humbly ask that people accept my answers for what they are, simple as they may be. Each person walks a different path in life and experiences challenges in different forms. I find this question a little difficult to answer. “Shame” feels like a strong word in my realm of experience. The above definition reflects fairly difficult experiences, strong feelings and beliefs. However, in answer to this question, I think that at times I feel shame about my outward appearance. I don’t feel very attractive and therefore don’t tend to nurture my outward appearance—my clothing choices, my hairstyle, my fitness level etc. In many ways I feel that is okay though. I feel it is a healthier place to be when focused on others rather then self. The key is for me to find that balance where I show respect to the body God has given me and be other-focused at the same time.

How does this shame fuel your belief cycle and drive your compulsive/addictive behaviors?
The most damaging of my compulsive/addictive behavior is greed for food—wanting the biggest serving of cake/ice cream, wanting to eat all the chips once the bag is opened, wanting to just eat when I’m not hungry etc.

I don’t eat as a “thin person” because I don’t think like a thin person and I don’t believe I’m a thin person. So, for example, this last week when I went out for ice cream with Jon for our anniversary date I tried to think like a “thin person” and order accordingly. I need to change the way I think when approaching food.

On another note, I don’t think of myself as an attractive person so don’t tend to dress as an attractive person etc. It all seems so vain to me though. It’s like when I watch “What not to Wear” show and I feel a mixture of emotion. On one hand I think they are helping the individual embrace who they really are and allow themselves to present that self the best possible way. On the other hand I feel like it is too much focus on self and too much $$ spent and I feel like a judgemental attitude towards others begins to creep in. I’m not sure I’m answering this question the way I should be! Anyways, that’s the best I can come up with right now!

What are the four core beliefs on the shame belief cycle?
Guilt and shame– I am an unworthy, no-good person.
False belief– If anyone really knew me, they wouldn’t love me.
Condemning emotions– I cannot trust others to meet my needs.
Action/addictive behavior – My most important needs are food, sex, drugs, and people who will take care of all my needs.

How does the renewed belief cycle function? What are the five core beliefs included in this cycle?
"The truth provides the basis for a new identity and an authentic sense of security and significance. When we accept this new identity, our core beliefs change, our minds are renewed, our emotions and actions change, and the shame/belief cycle are broken." TA pg92

The renewed belief cycle revolves around: forgiven & cleansed, renewed thinking, renewed emotions, renewed actions.

The five core beliefs are:
1.) I am created in the image and likeness of God and therefore am “very good”. (Gen. 1:26-27, 31)
2.) God, who knows me inside and out, loves me unconditionally just the way I am (Luke 15:11-24)
3.) Jesus never fails me (Matt. 28:20)
4.) The Holy Spirit instructs, teaches and guides me (John 14:26 & 16:13; Rom. 8:26; Gal. 5:22).
5.) My most important needs is a personal and intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ (John 3:16).

Who was the most dominant person (or persons) in your life when you were growing up? What message did you receive from that person about your worth?
The individual who was most dominant in my life in my growing up years gave me an amazing gift—always emphasizing that I’m loved and beautiful. I hope my children will receive the same message. I know this is what has allowed me to have a greater degree of emotional health as a result.

What is psychological guilt?
"Psychological guilt stems from the false belief that we are hopeless and helpless. It results in behavior that further isolates us from the intimacy and love that we all need. We may experience a burden of psychological guilt in our lives resulting from the judgements of others or our failure to behave, think, or look a certain way." TA pg 94

"Preoccupation with self is always a major component of unhealthy guilt and recrimination." TA pg 95

What is objective guilt?
"Objective guilt comes from seeing ourselves as we really are—imperfect and sinful, separated from God… Our capacity to reflect on our own sins and character defects as the present causes of shame allows us to go beyond shame to a sense of true conviction." TA pg 95

"The only true guilt is not to depend on God, and on God alone." TA pg 96

Upon which truth can you establish new beliefs about yourself to replace your shame-fueled beliefs from the past?
Jesus calls us to himself. We are accepted, and in that acceptance comes release from captivity to our shame, humiliation, and false guilt. Jesus does not awaken guilt in order to condemn, but to save, for grace is given to him who humbles himself, and becomes aware of his guilt. TA pg 97


More reflections on this chapter to come....

And the "Icing on the Cake" is....

Okay, I've got to say I love the icing on the cake. It is usually my favorite part as I really enjoy the most sugary of sweets! So I think this is an appropriate title for today's post despite it being about weight release!

So, after planning for trials, then taking action and experiencing God's amazing presence and provisions as I surrendered to Him, the "icing on the cake" is.....

1 pound released!

All the praise and glory goes to God for equipping me with all I needed as promised in scripture.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

Praise God!

Praising God for His faithfulness and provision of strength this weekend. It felt so intentional thinking about all this ahead of time and "planning for trials". It was awesome as I was able to be more on guard against temptation and stay within 0-5 eating despite challenges. And, as Heidi pointed out in one of her comments, it builds confidence in me for future trials.

So, for those who didn't read my updates on my food log I'll give a summary of how things went.

Friday - Dinner at Mom & Dad's
I went into it very mindful of conscious eating and planning for trials. I was very hungry and ready to eat when I got to my parent's place. I took small servings, but should really have taken even smaller ones as I feel awkward leaving food on my plate at their place. I slid the other 1/2 of my meatball over to my husband when my mom wasn't looking! *lol* I noticed my mom took note of how little I was taking...not sure if she thinks I didn't like her food or if she thought I was eating too little... (I made sure to profusely thank her for the meal and told her how delicious it was) Then when it was dessert time I made sure to have a wonderful mug of hot mint tea along with the chocolate pudding pie and savoured each and every bite of my small slice. My mom sent some of the pudding pie home with us, but I resisted temptation and didn't eat it. I felt completely satisfied after our family dinner. Praise God for this answered prayer!

Saturday - 12th Anniversary Celebration
Well, first of all our anniversary isn't until June 1st technically, but we wanted to go on a date to celebrate so this was the best possible time for our date. What a day! I was hungry so many times it was almost annoying! Imagine that! Being annoyed with being hungry *lol*! Thanks to God for helping me prepare for this "trial". I don't really like calling this weekend a "trial" as it really is all pleasant friend/family oriented activities, but I do know that each of these occasions presents challenges to 0-5 eating which are hurdles I am working on overcoming in God's strength.

So, what can I say about tonight.... Went bike riding with Jon for our anniversary date. What fun we had and my heart was just soaring with praise to God for a wonderful husband (who I had a lot of fun with!) and for His beautiful creation. I seriously felt overwhelmed with gratitude.

Then we stopped midway through for supper at a little fish & chips restaurant. Very neat little restaurant. The servings were fairly large so I right aways dumped over half my plate of food on Jon's plate....maybe will need to change this as the poor guy has a hard time not finishing up the food on his plate. I don't think it would have worked to take food home today as we were biking and the food wouldn't have stayed cool.

I was very present for the eating and really practiced conscious eating. Then we stopped for dessert another part way through our bike ride and had some ice cream. I seriously thought I could have eaten a few cones of ice cream... People around looked at them and would say "wow, that's huge!" and I kept thinking, "I could easily eat all that plus a few more." Then I watched the slim people around me and saw what they were ordering and thought "this is what I need to become more like. I need to become more content with smaller servings and just really savour it and not be greedy for too much." So I ordered a small cone . And I relished and enjoyed it:-) It was plenty, I felt comfortable and satisfied and very pleased to be within 0-5 eating.

I really feel convicted of the need to re-adjust my appetite for food. I need to be content with less. I need to view food as a naturally thin person does. As Heidi so wisely pointed out, I need to find other non-food treats in life. I shouldn't be expecting ice cream to be the ultimate treat. Eating outside of 0-5 does not fulfill and leaves a trail of brokeness and extra weight. So I'll be looking to God to grow more in this area.

Sunday - Church Potluck
I went into the meal very hungry which was positive to begin with. I took a small portion of food and was "present" and "conscious" for the entire meal. I made brownies in advance and set aside four small pieces for a later dessert (one slice for each of us). I thought this would help me resist eating any sweets at the luncheon....which it did. I didn't feel deprived of desserts, even though everyone around me was eating desserts. I just knew I'd have my dessert (that I'd set aside) at a more appropriate time.

Sunday - Dinner with Friends
Then we went to a friend's place for dinner...and I was hungry for that too, praise God! I was once again focussing on conscious eating and enjoying the company of friends. It was a wonderful meal, delicious food (that probably tasted all that much better because I was so present while eating plus was hungry to begin with), and also such a blessed time with friends as we shared from each other's hearts and prayed together. Thanks God.

The friend I was visitting happens to be the lady who is my "naturally thin eater" mentor. I have often observed her natural approach towards food. She never counts calories (and seems actually quite opposed to that or any other kind of diet mentality!), eats a balanced diet including sweet treats and coffee with those yummy flavored creamers. I was watching her a bit more closely tonight to see how she was eating. It's interesting how naturally it just seems to flow for her. It's interesting how it is so evident food doesn't hold any mastery over her.

In conclusion, PRAISE GOD! What more can I say! And thanks to those who remembered me in prayer. I'd love to do the same for you!

Taking Action, Planning Ahead

First of all, praise God for another pound released! Yippee!! I'm at 161lbs now. I really have faith that in a few more days I will be 159/160lbs...I had a feeling that a few more pounds were being released this week. My body just seems to function that way...maintaining for a couple weeks and then releasing 2-3lbs. Kind of weird how that works! I've noticed that other years as well.

Second, I think I need to get my head wrapped around this weekend as I know there are going to be some "trials." These trials are not going to be bad things, but rather I just know I will be tempted to get off track with 0-5 eating... So, I need to take action on my "planning for trials" exercise. I'm going to PLAN ahead right now!

Friday Night - Dinner at Mom & Dad's
Friday night is dinner at my parent's place to celebrate my brother's birthday. I know it will be more challenging to stay on track and stop at #5 with all my mom's good cooking and then a birthday cake to follow. My plan will be first of all to be good and hungry for supper. Next, I will make sure I am eating SLOWLY, savouring each bite, put down my fork between bites and converse with my family, take lots of sips of water between bites and then try to just be satisfied with a small piece of cake (this will be the toughest part for me I'm sure).

Saturday - 12th Anniversary Celebration
Saturday is a bit up in the air. But the plan right now is to do something with my husband to celebrate our 12th anniversary. So, our original plan was to go biking (about 1-3 hour bike ride) and then have dinner out and then ice cream for dessert (since that is our favorite treat). However, the weather is not looking particularily conducive now (rain in the forecast), so it may just be going out for dinner. Soooo, in that case scenario, I once again will need to be really hungry for dinner. And then I will aim to eat only a small portion of my meal and take home the leftovers to enjoy later...and save some room for a small portion of ice cream as I did last night when I went out with my friend.

Sunday - Church Potluck
Sunday is a potluck lunch at church. I think it is just sandwiches so the temptation should be manageable. I will just keep what I eat to the minimum and try to avoid desserts (maybe just have one small treat) as I know that is where I begin to slide down the slippery slope. Maybe I'll bring some sliced watermelon to the potluck. (if anyone has been reading my food logs you will probably notice how much I LOVE watermelon lol:-) The toughest part of my day will likely be at suppertime which I may not be hungry for. I will aim to play those songs I picked out in dealing with temptation. Prayer, bible reading, getting busy with something else etc.

So, in a nutshell it looks like each day I will need to be on guard against giving into temptation. I will be in prayer this weekend. I know this is just real life and I am not stressed about any of this as each of these events are positive, family/friend focussed. I just know that I need to be thinking ahead to the kind of mindset I will enter into each of these circumstances with, equipped with the tools I need to stay on track, with my eyes on the "exit" that God provides. And I know I need the Lord to work in my heart to ensure I am enjoying the food but most of all loving HIM!

Dear Lord, I praise you and thank you for friends and family and all the blessings you have poured out in my life. I pray that I would live in surrender to you each moment of each day-each choice, each step, each chain, each word, each prayer. I pray this weekend that I would keep pressing on and keep offering you every area of my heart and life. I pray for your strength to withstand temptations this weekend. I pray that you would draw my attention to the way out of each temptation. I pray that I would be sensitive to your Holy Spirit's prompting. Thank you for hearing my call. Thank you for beginning to heal and restore me. In Jesus name, Amen

Music

I am very excited about the music that God drew me to almost immediately after coming up with the idea of music helping me combat temptation! The first song God laid on my heart was "Get Away" by Matthew West. It is really upbeat and I could see it really motivating me to resist temptation.

GET AWAY by Matthew West

I just can't take it anymore
Your tricks have fooled me for the last time
You know I've had it up to here
With the way you bring me down, down
You're wreaking havoc on my world
You're calling question to my sanity
But I'm not gonna let you get the best of me
Not anymore, anymore
So here I go, watch me run
A million miles under the sun
That's what I'll do if that's what it takes
To get away

[Chorus]
I gotta get away
I gotta get away
I gotta get away
I gotta get away

Give us your strength to run from evil Lord, lead the way
Lead us into a better day
Give us hope
Give us faith
Help us, oh Lord, to get away
Hear our cry everyday
Help us, oh Lord, to get away

The second song the Lord placed upon my heart (from the same CD) was "History". I have loved this song for a long time, but it just seemed to be so timely right now. This would be my follow up song to "Get Away".

HISTORY by Matthew West

Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Chorus:
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Repeat chorus
Yeah Yeah
Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

I especially love that last part. We don't have to be stuck in the past. Focus on TODAY--each choice, each step, each chain, each word, each prayer... God graciously forgives us as we turn to Him and He also equips us with the strength for victory and provides those "exits" that we need.

Thank you Lord!

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." F. Scott Fizgerald

Planning for Trials

Today I was reading TW chapter 8 and thought it would serve as a good reminder to me to do the planning for trials exercise again. I know I’ve covered some of this in previous posts, so it may not be of interest to you, but I know it is a good reminder to me as this is the nitty-gritty of TW for me, what sets me off 0-5 eating on a consistent basis.

A long time ago I talked with my daughters about dealing with temptation (at the time it was dealing with wanting to gossip about a kid in class). I mentioned how God provides us with an "exit" door (hence the graphics below!). Now my 6 yr old, whenever she is feeling very frustrated and can't get out of an emotional rut she is in, says "I can't find the exit!" Then we usually pray together and sure enough she finds the "exit" that God has provided....and we together we praise God for it.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out [also known as the EXIT in our household!] so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

So, now here I am thinking ahead to where the exit may be or how to get to the point where I choose to actually use the exit that God always faithfully provides.

I bake, I eat—taste test trap…and often the trap continues to lure me if it is a sugary treat. Often the temptation is to finish up the tempting food so it won’t be there to tempt me anymore.
First and foremost, I plan on really limiting the baking I do, keeping it more for special occasions. The next thing I plan on baking is going to be a banana bread loaf as I have some really ripe bananas right now. My goal will be to pre-slice the loaf and bag each piece, probably freeze the majority of the pieces (out of sight, out of mind does tend to be true for me generally). Thirdly, for those times that I am being tempted to eat outside of 0-5 with these tempting treats, I know it would be beneficial to move to another room, spend some time in prayer and bible reading (be still before God and really “practice His presence”). I’m just thinking right now another idea may be to find a really catchy encouraging God-focussed song and put it on every time I’m tempted. I kind of like that idea! I think I’ll try that one next time. Anyone have ideas for songs that may fit the bill? I’ll keep you updated on that idea!

I don’t want to wait for hunger. I want what I want NOW! The food is calling my name. I want to eat it ALL (past #5)! Etc…
This one is probably one of the hardest ones for me to deal with. These are the times when I have a voice in my head that says “you shouldn’t be eating it, you know you’re not hungry/or when you’re full” and then it’s like I just tell that voice (the Holy Spirit I’m guessing!) “be quiet, don’t think about it, it’s just this one time” etc. These are the times that I probably need to especially work on as this is a rebellious attitude that runs contrary to my godly goals.

So, what do I do??? First I think I’ll try that music idea again. We’ll see if that works, as I associate a certain song with acting as the escape route provided by God. Second, I should probably make sure these times I spend at least a couple minutes far away from the temptation in prayer/bible to get my focus back on God not on self. Third, get busy with something of interest—go for a walk, have a shower (even if it is at an odd time of day!), read story to the kids, run to the computer, play the piano, clean up the house, read a magazine… Many options are available if I just move away from the present weak moment.

It’s mealtime.
Breakfast and lunch are always pretty relaxed around our house, so no real stress over that meal. However, the supper meal is always tough for me. It is important to me to be hungry for this meal. I think it is good to eat well-rounded meals (as long as within 0-5 of course). It sends a good message to my kids to eat these healthy meals, conversing and eating…of course 0-5. So I do value being at #0 for supper. However, in the learning stages, I know that won’t always happen… If this is the case, my primary plan will be to sit down with the family and drink some water or some herbal tea and just visit. If this is too tough, I’ll do a little TW reading on the computer while the family eats…or start cleaning up the kitchen if it is a mess.

Social events.
The main thing is just to make sure I’m planning ahead to be hungry for the event. If I’m hungry then the only thing I need to focus on is really being conscious and present for the eating as well as focussing on the conversation and company around me. If I’m not hungry I think I could generally get by with just a non-caloric drink without offending anyone or anyone really thinking much of it.

Another huge one is when I’m tired and need a pick-me-up.
This is a really tough one as I wrote about the other day. As I wrote previously, hosting company sends me to after-dinner treats often. The key is to be really conscious and present for the eating and also enjoy the company. Also, not letting myself get too worn out with preparations is probably key too. There are lots of other times that I get tired though. I often just feel worn out and feel like eating for that extra energy boost. I think at times like this I should just lie down on the couch and close my eyes and be still before God. Drinking some water may also help. If it works to nap, I should definitely take that time to nap. I’ve been working on this area for quite some time, as this one became a very evident problem for me back when I first started TW. My husband actually was the one who brought up that I should take note of this weak time. So, I’ve been more vigilant with this particular area.

Anyone have any other ideas? I’m up for suggestions!

Accountability

A big to all of you who have been visitting my blog and for those who have posted comments... It's unbelievable what a great accountability network can be formed with people I've never even met! The reason I am saying thanks is because YOU are helping me stay focussed and know that I am being held accountable, just as this scripture teaches: "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13

It's amazing how many people are following TW! As I "meet" these friends who are walking the same journey as me, I'm encouraged as this scripture teaches: "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thes. 5:11 I'm also really impressed with the number of TW blogs that I'm running across. I find each of them so encouraging as it gives me a personal glimpse into each person's journey, which of course spurs me on towards learning more in my own journey, essentially building me up.

So, thank you friends! I look forward to getting to know more of you as I continue on this journey. I pray I will grow a deep rooted faith and I pray I keep surrendering more and more to Christ each day.

Observing and Correcting

I got thinking more about observation and correction over the past couple days. I have noticed I can pretty easily make observations about my choices (good or poor). But often I haven't taken my observations one step further and actually came up with ways to correct and change my behavior.

When I observe and note my poor choices I am confessing my sin to God. (I changed the wording here from "repenting" to "confessing" as it expresses my perspective more effectively!) I know I have acted in my own strength and not been willing to surrender and look to Him for His strength. The next step is to "produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8)

I don't want to be like this image!
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." Proverbs 26:11

I know that God is a loving God.
"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

And I know that "sin shall not be your (*my*) master, because you are (*I am*) not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:14

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
When I read Chronicles 7:14 I am filled with hope as I know that God hears, He forgives and He heals.

I desire my heart to be "good soil" as outlined in the parable of the sower.
"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop."

Luke 8:15

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for so often sinning by knowing the good I ought to do but not doing it. Forgive me for often taking your grace and mercy for granted and falling into a "slippery grace" kind of mentality. I don't want to just give you lip service and say "sorry" and then not turn from my ways. Please help me grow in this area and turn from my ways and follow you. Thank you for hearing my call, for your forgiveness and mercy and for the healing and restoration you provide. Help me rely on you alone for strength. Help me persevere and produce fruit in keeping with repentance. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Thin Again - ch 4 Questions

Chapter 4:
Conscious Eating Not Compulsive Eating

What does the word “deliver” mean?
a rescue from the power of.

What does the word “freedom” mean?
God rescues us from the things that prevent us from living by faith.

What is “fat machinery”?
Anything that makes you eat when you’re not at “0”. I think of it as triggers. Ones that the author pinpoints are: conditioned and habitual responses, old unworkable beliefs, scales, past experiences and failures.

List any fat machinery that may have contributed to your disordered eating.

1. I bake, I eat—taste test trap…and often the trap continues to lure me if it is a sugary treat.
2. I’ve got to finish up this tempting food item so I’m not going to be tempted by it anymore.
3. It’s mealtime.
I enjoy food a lot and relish hot items hot out of the oven. To wait often means settling for less tasty food. I find baked items continue to tempt me when they are in the house as I have quite a sweet tooth.

4. I’m already off track so it’s license to stay off track!
5. I have failed so often, I will probably fail again.
This one has plagued me over and over again. It’s all about each moment and each choice.

6. Social events.
When it comes to social events I just let my guard down and find it hard to focus on the other, more important, reasons (other then food) for the social time.

7. I don’t want to wait for hunger.
Greed once again at the heart of the matter. Also, at times there are practical reasons. I find those a bit more tricky to deal with.

8. I’m tired and need a pick-me-up.
When I’m tired I find that I figure food will give me that extra energy boost I need….it often does. Eating after hosting company is another thing I’ve been in the habit of. I tend to not enjoy my food as much when I’m hosting (as I focus on all the details and on the company), plus I’ve usually made something extra tasty and sweet, so after company leaves I often just want to relax, kick up my feet and have that one last little treat.

What is true hunger?
“True hunger is a physical sensation in the body caused by the need for food.” TA pg 71

This link describes hunger quite well. I also liked this quick summary of the Weigh Down book's eating when you're hungry approach.

What is appetite?
“Appetite is a habitual desire for some gratification, either of the body or the mind, that food won’t satisfy even though we think it will.” TA pg. 71

How has your bathroom scale been part of your fat machinery?
“What happens when you wake up in the morning, step onto the bathroom scale, and see (arghhh!) that you’ve gained two pounds? You decide that your current efforts to lose weight aren’t working, so in your frustration what do you want to do? EAT! And what happens when you step onto the bathroom scale and see (yeah!) that you’ve “lost” a few pounds? What do you want to do? EAT! You decide to celebrate your victory with a hot fudge sundae, right? Either way the act of weighing has not served you.” TA pg. 74

This describes what I’ve experienced quite thoroughly. At times I can detach myself from the mastery of the scale in these instances and allow it to simply be a feedback tool, but at other times it simply does exactly as described above. It is a fine balancing act for me. I would like it if the scale would have no power over me. At this point in my journey I’m concentrating on the 0-5 eating being “scale”.

Write your understanding of the grace principle of observation and correction.
I simply acknowledge and note when I have made a choice that works contrary to 0-5 eating. I try to take note what I did and why I did it. This is my way of acknowledging before God that I have not been obedient and say “sorry”.

Correction (which I haven’t noted as much as observations) is what I can do different next time so I don’t make the same mistake again. It essentially is the conclusion of “sorry” as I repent and turn away… I think it is time to take note of corrections more often so I can change and grow more.

“A grace-oriented approach allows us to observe our behavior and correct it when we recognize that it does not serve our goals or God’s purpose for us.” TA pg 79

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." F. Scott Fizgerald

Practicing His Presence

God has been convicting me the past couple days that I need to really spend time with Him and really focus on Him rather then the distractions around me...and that often includes this blog, the TW forum, even the TW and TA books! I so often forget and am not mindful that He is right here with me every single moment of every single day.

The following excerpt from “The Power of a Positive Wife” by Karol Ladd stood out to me as I was reading yesterday:
“Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me.” John 15:4
When we remain, dwell, and abide in Christ, we experience the daily joy of a vibrant, powerful, life-giving relationship with him... Brother Lawrence, a seventeenth century monk who worked in the kitchen at the Discalced Carmelite Order in Paris, is someone who abided in Christ—he called it ‘practicing God’s presence’—every moment of every day… What does it mean to ‘practice God’s presence’ all day long? It means continually turning our hearts and minds toward God and his truth. Whether the circumstances of our days are mundane and unpleasant or joyful and glorious, we choose to turn our eyes heavenward. Challenges and struggles take on a different air when we see them in light of eternity. (The Power of a Positive Wife pg 28)

“In spite of our own thirsting souls, we typically don’t cling to the Lord moment by moment of every day.” TW pg 34 (ch.4)

The Positive Wife book encouraged an application exercise at the end of the chapter to take a day to “practice His presence” and possibly take some time to fast. I was thinking I would do this on Tuesday, as I knew that day wasn’t packed full of activities, but then as I was getting ready for the day I thought “Why can’t I ‘practice His presence’ today? Why wait?” My original goal was to fast from food and the computer for the day and spend more time in prayer and the Bible.

What an awesome morning it was! First of all, I have to tell you that actually being more mindful that God is RIGHT HERE WITH ME EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY is pretty mind-boggling…and also CONVICTING! I started off being a little snippety with my husband as I headed off to the store bright and early at 8am. I felt instant conviction and repented to God and also to my husband! A similar interaction with my husband happened once more later in the morning and I felt the same conviction and had the same response. As I drove to the store and shopped I was in constant prayer. I was hungry at 8:30am but every time the waves of hunger would flood over me my mind and prayers were directed straight to God.

I wish I could say the rest of the day went as I had envisioned… However at noon I was pretty ravenous and was quite low on energy and opted to have some lunch and did do a quick check of email. But then later in the afternoon I had a good quiet time with the Lord. Oftentimes I read my books but neglect really digging in His word and letting Him do the leading... Well, today I decided to jump back into reading the gospels and it was a great start. I am humbled and in awe (and also totally excited!) after spending some good quality time with the Lord.

I hope to continue “practicing His presence” more every day, whether I’m fasting or not. I hope to spend more time reading His word and just in constant communion with Him.

“When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor... O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!” Psalm 8:3-5, 9

“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry.” Psalm 34:15

Setting Goals

Since I am doing this 45 day challenge, ending on June 28th, I think it is fitting to set some new goals for the end of that period. As I read chapter 3 of Thin Within today it encourages godly goal setting...

Goal #1: 154 lbs (release 8 lbs)
(this would be the end of the weight range for my BMI....boy would that ever feel fantastic to be back in my BMI range!)

Goal #2: Exercise 5x week for at least 20 minutes

Goal #3: Learn some spanish, spend time with the kids and especially focus on devotions with them.


Here are a couple verses that stood out for me today....

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Thin Again - ch 3 Questions

Chapter 3 – Grace not Legalism

What is God’s grace?
God’s grace is a “dynamic outpouring (that) was made in flesh in Jesus Christ. Christ became the new offering—the means of attonement and reconciliation—for our sin and guilt... God, in his grace, not only offers forgiveness, but gives us the power (through the faith in the indwelling Christ) to become sons and daughters—bearers of his character and will... It is this love, this outpouring of God’s grace, that works the transformation of our innermost being so that we delight in pleasing him—indeed, live to please him. When we love Christ and our desire is to please him in everything, we are released from clinging to rules, regulations, and performance.” TA pg 54

“Grace is the active expression of God’s love. Grace empowers us to choose rightly in what seem to be the most choiceless of situations, but it does not, and will not determine that choice.” TA pg 51


How does God’s grace work in our lives?
“Grace is freedom that conforms us from within; legalism is bondage that constrains us from without.” TA pg 52

“Grace redirects our focus away from perfection to correction.” TA pg 57

I find God’s grace so amazing! The fact that God keeps forgiving over and over again is just astounding! I appreciate applying observations and corrections in my TW journey, living under God’s grace rather then the path of my own performance. This is the reason I can continue persevering and not giving up. I know that “he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil 1:6


What is legalism and how does it affect our lives?
Legalism is all about rules and regulations. When following them a person can feel quite “righteous” and focus is on self. When failing to follow the rules and regulations we feel like complete failures and tend to beat ourselves up with the ‘club of condemnation’.

Legalism can be defined as a “self-defined system of control, safety, and security…. By focussing on externals---our diets, our weight, our eating or not eating—we avoid confronting the real issues in our lives: our fears, our unresolved grief, emotions, relationships, rebellion, and insecurities…. We fail to acknowledge that it is in our being (the intentions of our own hearts), not in our doing (our eating) that our true guilt lies.” TA pg 56

I often get caught up in legalistic thinking as I set myself goals with eating/exercise. I inevitably fail at some point, beat myself up about it, and then feel doomed to never succeed and have victory in this area of my life. I know that Satan is on the attack as it says, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 I know God does not desire me to be in this cycle. He offers me His grace and His strength and power to experience surrender and victory in this area. Jesus says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9


List the Thin Within principles for weight mastery.
1. Eat when your body is hungry (‘0’).
2. Eat in a calm environment by reducing distractions.
3. Eat when sitting.
4. Eat when your body and mind are relaxed.
5. Eat and drink the things your body enjoys.
6. Pay attention to your food while eating.
7. Eat slowly, savouring each bite.
8. Stop before your body is full (‘5’).

“These principles apply to all the food you eat and all the beverages you drink, except water. Coffee, tea, alcohol, and diet sodas are included, because everything, except water, affects your body’s ability to register accurately its physiological hunger.” TA pg 61

I assume they would also classify an herbal tea (no sugar/cream) as similar?? I’m surprised at that. Not sure if I agree….


What is the Bodometer Process?
“It is a tool for turning our attention inward and listening to the signals our bodies are giving us in order to determine whether food (or something else) is needed.” TA pg 63

Basically it is paying attention to each different part of my body—mouth/teeth, throat, stomach and abdomen.


What is the hunger scale and how can it serve you?
0 = hungry/empty
5= comfortable or satisfied
10=stuffed

The aim should be to eat within 0-5. Eating 3-7 results in overeating and not losing weight.

45 day challenge

I'm going to follow Melanie's lead with the 40 day challenge... I'm on board:-) I'll just extend it a few days. I'm excited what can all happen in 45 days! My main goal is to really change from the inside out. I'm not quite as concerned about weight (though REALLY do want to lose some obviously!) but mostly I desire heart changes as I know that is the root of the problems with my weight.

Needing to re-start

I feel like the past week has been up and down with 0-5 eating and surrendering this area to God. I am going to press on and keep on looking to God for the strength I need to persevere in this area. At times like this I feel like I haven't learned a thing the past few months!!! But then I know that God has been doing a new thing...just have to keep on pressing on.

Eating 0 - 5

Eating 0-5 has been quite a journey so far! I have known what hunger feels like for my body for a long time - a sore tummy followed by a good rumble :-) It feels so good to be hungry. I love how God designed the body to let me know when to eat and when to stop!

Eating to #5 has been a different matter. Back in November when I started reading TW I didn't really pay much attention to this aspect. In February, when I re-started, I was having a hard enough time just eating at #0 so wasn't focussing as much on eating to #5. Then in March I began consistently eating to #0 which was a huge victory (PTL). April and May have continued to be a challenge to be consistently eating at #0. In May I finally realized (or more rightly surrendered to the fact) that I needed to re-adjust my hunger #'s. I needed to accept that what I had considered #5 was actually in reality more like #6/#7. It feels so strange to not have that little bit of discomfort at the end of a meal. I have always recognized that as my signal to stop eating, that I'm "full". To accept stopping at simply "satisfied" is a lesson in surrender and letting go of my greed for food. I'm gradually learning this lesson. I look forward to the day when this will just naturally flow and be second-nature.

God is doing a new thing....

I love the title of Heidi's blog, figured there was likely some scripture behind the title that she chose (didn't come across it in my brief reading of her blog), so I went digging for a verse that speaks this truth... And lo and behold, this is what I found in Isaiah 43:15-19....a very neat passage of scripture that I am glad I stumbled across!

"I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel's Creator, your King."

This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,
who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."

Thank you, Father, for making a way and for doing a new thing in my life! Amen.

Thin Again - ch 2 Questions

I feel a bit inadequate answering many of these questions as many people have experienced much deeper, more hurtful things in their lives. My answers may seem insensitive and "fluffy" to those who have experienced this degree of pain... I answered the questions to the best of my ability given my own experiences.... I also withheld some answers that were a little too personal to share in this public forum.

What is required in order to be “restored”?
We must allow God to move and to work in us, speaking through our silent hunger that we’ve tried in vain to satisfy.


What was most meaningful to you about the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead?
I had never noticed that his family/friends were called upon to unwrap him. It was quite an interesting picture in my mind. I know God has called certain people into my life to “unwrap” me in many areas of my life. If I take this a step beyond hunger issues, I see this analogy can be used in just about any area
God is calling me to grow and become more like Him. I appreciate friends who help “sharpen” me.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17


What is meant by “grave clothes”?
The author’s pinpoint our disordered eating for this analogy. I think grave clothes could refer to anything in my life that prevents me from being spiritually “healthy” and alive, living in right relationship and obedience to Christ…which eventually spills over into other areas of my life (physical, relational, emotional etc.) and prevents me from glorifying God and shining for Him as effectively. In a nutshell the way I would envision ‘grave clothes’ is any area of my life that is NOT SURRENDERED to Christ.


List anything in your life that might be considered grave clothes.
At times….
- my disordered eating
- my strong emotions that I know my husband has been called to help me keep in check
- my poor use of time which eventually begins to show effects on my spiritual, physical and emotional condition


Who would you be willing to have help you remove your grave clothes?
Obviously my husband first and foremost. I have also surrounded myself with supportive friends – online and in person – who can help me in this area of surrender to God and restoration.


How does deception and/or denial contribute to your disordered eating?
I’m not sure if it is even classified as deception/denial when I binge eat. I have a hard time even labelling my overeating spurts as “binges” but in reality that’s what they are…. When I eat outside of 0-5 parameters I KNOW I’m not being obedient….yet, I still KNOWINGLY keep doing it. I’m not sure it is deception or denial at all….but rather flat out disobedience/rebellion on my part.


What happens when we choose to allow our grave clothes to be removed?
“Where denial darkens our path and compulsions hide and confine us, the light of God’s love gently and compassionately penetrates the layers of our most ingrained defense mechanisms and coaxes us out of the tomb into the light…. When we choose to allow the unwrapping of our grave clothes, we find a God who infinitely loves us and desires that we grow up into the fullness of the stature of Christ.” (TA pg 41)

We begin to comprehend and appreciate our value and worth and accept ourselves as we see ourselves through God’s eyes. "When we are restored to intimacy with God and receive his love, we become open to genuine intimacy with those around us.” (TA pg 45)


Describe your perfect family of God.
I wonder what the author means by family of God…earthly or heavenly? I see so many flaws and shortcomings with the family of God here on earth. I see that we are called to a different kind of community where we are called to sharpen and encourage others in the faith and to become more like Christ…unwrapping the grave clothes of each other. However I see the shortcomings far more often then not. I know (and am exceedingly grateful for) certain people in my life who are sisters/brothers in Christ who embody the characteristics the author is drawing out – accepting, trusting, grateful, unconditional love, allowing freedom, gentle, worthwhile. Yet I believe we’re never perfect until we are in Heaven. We can never trust anybody as we can trust God.


How does God see you?
His child. He looks at me with love and care. He sees me as full of potential to glorify Him in all I say and do and yet also sees my shortcomings and graciously continues to extend His love and mercy to me and help equip me to overcome these shortcomings and ultimately glorify Him.


How do you see yourself?
I believe I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I have grown to understand that God sees all that I am and has designed me for a purpose just the way I am. I may have to experience “sickness or death” in certain areas just as Lazarus did, yet He will ultimately be glorified as I mature and grow in my faith and surrender more and more of myself to Him.


What can we look forward to when God restores us?
“Renewed intimacy with God and ourselves quiets the insistent cry of our silent hunger and satisfies us in ways that nothing of this world or of our own doing can… We find a deep sense of security and significance based on God’s image of us, knowing we are accepted by God as we are… When we are restored to intimacy with God and receive his love, we become open to genuine intimacy with those around us.” (TA pg 45)

“Removing our grave clothes bring us to truth. When we know the truth, we are freed from our attempts to fill our need for intimacy with food rather than with our living God. We are freed from our distorted view of God and ourselves, and we are freed for the true intimacy that will allow us to receive and give genuine life-giving love.” (TA pg. 46)

I still have to read the scripture readings that are suggested... Will get to that tomorrow. This book definitely takes more time and thought then TW did! But it's really good thinking material :-)

View my Daily Food Log here.

Thin Again - ch 2 reflections

I just finished reading chapter 2. It took a few days to read. I've still not completely absorbed it. Definitely a deeper, more introspective read then Thin Within. I can see how people could find it painful and difficult to read this book as the authors really are drawing the reader's attention to wounds in their life and very effectively seem to also walk the reader through the process of healing and right relationship with God and others. Since I've not experienced the kind of trauma in my life that requires this degree of introspection I find of a lot of the points/observations not quite as applicable to my own life situation at this time. However, there is still MUCH to be learned and that I am learning as I turn the pages of this book.

A few quotes that stood out for me:

"Eugene Peterson comments, 'Any formula that prevents failure also prevents freedom.'" (TA pg. 34)

"Peterson continues, 'He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot be great. Failure is the true test of greatness.' Our greatness lies in our faith in God. He is always there to pick us up, and he continues walking with us until we have our ultimate freedom, when the underlying causes of our disordered eating have been resolved." (TA pg. 35)

I was absolutely blown away by the story of Lazarus and the lessons learned from that story. I had actually studied this story from John 11 just last month while reading "Calm my Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. It was talking about how Jesus could have spared Lazarus from dying had he gone right aways when he received word of Lazarus' sickness... Then Lazarus dies and when Jesus receives word of this He says, "...and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." (John 11:15) Then He brings Lazarus miraculously back to life and Jesus says, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (John 11:40) As I reflected on this story it struck me how God allows things into our lives so that people will be drawn to believe Him and seek Him...and ultimately God is glorified.

Thin Again chapter 2 drives home another very thought-provoking point from this story that I never noticed before...

"Scripture tells us simply, 'The dead man came out' (v. 44a). Lazarus emerged from the dark tomb after lying dead for four days. He says nothing and does nothing. His face is covered, his hands and feet are bound. He can't see, he can't touch anyone, he can't move very well. 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go,' Jesus tells them (v. 44b). He doesn't address Lazarus. He doesn't tell Lazarus to take off his own grave clothes. He tells the friends and relatives and those who had been in mourning to take off the grave clothes. They are to restore Lazarus to his place in the community, to sight, touch, and wholeness." (TA pg. 37)

"He (God) helps us to heal through restored intimacy by calling us into relationships where we must first rely on him and then on others to help unwrap the grave clothes. Thus our healing process becomes a marriage of the divine and the human. Divine power raised Lazarus and raises us from the dead, and human power unwrapped him and unwraps us. The spiritual and physical reality combine to bring a complete healing." (TA pg.38)

What powerful lessons are contained in that story of Lazarus! I'm going to have to chew on these thoughts for a few more days....

View my Daily Food Log here.

Goals - past & future

April 24 I re-adjusted the goals I set at the beginning of the month of April. My re-adjusted goals were:

#1 - 162 lbs by Saturday, May 3rd
#2 - exercise 3-5x each week plus flyer delivery walks 2x/week
#3 - clean up laundry room, our bedroom, winter/spring clothes switch-er-roo

Praise God I actually managed to meet EACH of these goals!!!

My new goals for the end of the month are:

#1 - 157 lbs by May 30th

#2 - continue exercising 3-5x each week plus of course flyer delivery walk 2x/week

#3 - find balance in everday activities, start learning some spanish

Filled with hope!

I stepped on the scale again and was down another pound - 163lbs! That's 2 lbs this week already! I'm just ecstatic as I haven't been this weight since March 2007. Down 9 lbs since the beginning of February.

The best part of all this is that I really KNOW that this is God at work. I KNOW that I didn't do this in my own strength, but rather it was God at work.

In the past few years I have tried to lose weight in my own strength/self discipline....and succeeded temporarily (though never fully achieved my goal to be within my BMI once again)....but then the weight came back on plus some.

I feel something is really different this time round as I truly am relying on God for my strength this time. I am going to Him daily and more frequently moment by moment on this journey. I am persevering (despite failing and setbacks) and accept this is my act of obedience to Him, no matter if goals get met or not. I don't feel as deprived (of food) as I have in the past which is also awesome! I somehow feel more free then I ever did before when I was trying in my own strength. I feel relaxed knowing this is for life and that in God's time I'll reach my God-given natural weight. I know that in the process I'm learning far more important lessons then a # on a scale can give me! I'm learning what it means to surrender myself more fully to God. I'm also learning more about what it means to simply observe and correct, rather then beat myself up as my tendency would then be to just give up.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the hope and strength you give me each day.
In Jesus name, Amen.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13

View my food log here.

Thin Again - ch 1

Here are my answers to the questions at the end of chapter 1:

What is disordered eating?
- preoccupation with food/eating
- food is used to insulate or numb emotional pain
- food is used to satisfy unfulfilled yearnings to be loved, cherished, adored
- food/eating is used to try to achieve some order in a disordered life
- joy/pleasure of eating has been lost
- food/eating cause a disruption in life
- food/eating control us rather then vice versa
- food has become an enemy rather than a friend

Describe your disordered eating.

I can relate to preoccupation with food/eating and food/eating controlling me. I don’t struggle with this on a constant basis…though usually a daily basis.

What are the causes of disordered eating?

Trauma, abuse, having been a very sensitive child, controlling environment, lack of validation of feelings.

List the possible causes of your disordered eating and how they have influenced your eating.

Looking back I see one thing that certainly affected my eating patterns at an early age. I spent my elementary school years in boarding school. I lived by the same schedule as everybody else (a very “controlled” environment…our life was lived as a community so it was very rigid). I was used to eating at certain times, only being able to eat certain things, no freedom to go and grab a snack or make meal choices etc. When I returned to Canada at age 12 I suddenly had that all stripped away. I began to get a little carried away with the “freedom” available in a home environment and also the abundance of “junk” that is a little more readily available in North America. In many ways I wish I was given me a bit more structure and guidance and suggestions on healthy eating habits at this turning point of my life. Age twelve, height 5’6”, I went from a healthy 115 lbs to an overweight 160 lbs in a matter of 2-3 years. I don’t cast any blame, but do notice that this was a turning point for me. And I think the main culprit was truly a change in structure from a controlled environment to a free environment. And then of course the next step was moving out and getting married….yet another step in an even more “free” environment. And my weight spiralled out of control yet more….from 175lbs when I got married to 205lbs on our first wedding anniversary.

Top Left (12 yrs - 115lbs)
Top Right (15 yrs - 160 lbs)
Bottom Left (newly married - 175 lbs)
Bottom Right (1 yr later - 205 lbs)

Summer 2007 at about 175 lbs

At this time in my life, I think the main causes of my disordered eating are generally just my own lack of self-control and rebellion…and also love for food. I find that whenever I face one of my “triggers” (fat machinery – TW chapter 11) I experience disordered eating. So, for example if I’m out for a meal, baked a batch of cookies, feel particularily tired and exhausted, if I have some treats lying around the house….these are the moments that I become preoccupied with food (and getting what I want…right NOW!) and this is when the food almost controls me (feels magnetic).

What is silent hunger and where does it come from?

Our longing for intimacy where our deepest needs for security and significance can be substantially met. It is one of our most basic human needs. God intends our deepest need for intimacy to be met in relationships, heavenly and earthly.

What are impediments to intimacy?

Rejection, death, abuse, enmeshment, abortion, adoption.

How have these impediments impacted your life? What counterfeits have you turned to in attempting to satisfy your God-given need for intimacy?

I don’t think I can relate to any of these at this time in my life.

View my Daily Food Log here.