Sidetracked....

...by sickness then busyness lately. No excuse for putting in half-hearted effort, but that is why I haven't been back here lately.

I see a connection between when I am intentional and prayerful (building promise upon promise towards victory) and when I'm passive and trying to just ignore the problem of my extra weight away (compromise upon compromises towards failure).

I feel discouraged. But I don't feel ready to give up. Today the Lord spoke a powerful jewel of a verse to me in my readings.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Isn't that a cool verse?! As I read that verse, I was deeply deeply moved. It was one of those moments when I felt God reach down and personally say something to me.

I feel discouraged. I feel like this is an impossible battle to fight....especially when it means fighting this battle every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life. Yikes. That is a daunting task. I'm too discouraged to fight. I don't have the willpower, the strength, the motivation to fight the good fight.

But God will fight the fight for me! That's an amazing truth to let settle into the very crevices of my heart space.

And what am I to do? BE STILL.

On a practical level what does that look like for me?

I think it means I get up early each morning and take that time to meet with God and listen and be still. It means every choice in my day is characterized by a stillness before God, practicing His presence in every nook and cranny of every moment of my day. That thought excites me and scares me all at the same time.

But that is the fight. To be still. Before God. And He will work things out.

Ho Hum

Yikes, the week has flown by. I've been in a bit of a funk. Good news is my weight has stayed exactly the same for exactly a week. Bad news is my weight has stayed exactly the same for exactly a week. I'm happy and unhappy all at the same time. Go figure.

Whatever the case, things have been going okay in the 0-5 eating department. A couple slips everyday, but also eating within 0-5 more than I have for the past year. So I have a ways to go, but also have made much progress.

Anyways, I am thankful for God's love and faithfulness. Over the past week He has REALLY blown me away as I've seen Him orchestrate things more than usual with people around me. I feel so thankful to be part of His plan, His instrument in many cases. Just REALLY exciting for me to observe and be part of.

I had a few bits of dessert on Saturday at a potluck we hosted at our house. When my daughter saw me put a bite in my mouth she was mortified and burst into tears. She has been going so strong with the sugar-free approach and said how she was counting on me to be doing it with her. Needless to say I've got the best accountability partner you can imagine! And I didn't put another bite in my mouth after that. Of course I don't want her to get food diet issues in her life, so I suggested we need to communicate ahead of time if we are going to be going outside our usual plan.

That's it for now. Time to run!

Made to Crave

My supplementary reading thus far, since I started back on the TW journey mid-October, has been "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst then the TW workbook (just went through a week's reading each day - skipped the daily devo/questions) and now back to "Made to Crave" for a re-run as I think I can glean a bit more from this gem. So if you hear me bringing up "Made to Crave" again, that is why:-)

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"Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?" (Made to Crave p.28)

A heavy duty question, isn't it?! I think I fall into this category more often than I'd like to admit.

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"God never intended for us to want anything more than we want Him." (Made to Crave p.29)

I have been studying the book of John lately and today's reading was smack dab in the middle of a major "food" theme! Chapter 6 recounts Jesus feeding the 5000. It includes the testimony of Jesus saying He is the BREAD OF LIFE, the LIVING BREAD.

Jesus says, "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.” (John 6:27)

Physical food --> spoils (a good reminder for me yet again!)
Spiritual food --> more specifically JESUS, endures to eternal life

Now I need this to REALLY go from my head to my heart. I need to chew on this one for awhile. I just find it so interesting how often God uses food analogies/examples throughout scripture. He definitely designed our physical hunger to shadow spiritual hunger. I find this very interesting. We are to made to CRAVE Him, to FEED on Him because He gives LIFE eternally!

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"I used my cravings for food as a prompting to pray." (Made to Crave p.30)

As I step into the day ahead, here is my prayer....

"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up." Psalm 5:1-3

We Crave what we Eat

Interesting point to ponder (from "Made to Crave"). This can, of course, be true both physically and spiritually.

Physically, I'm finding that as I cut out high sugar items from my diet as I have done for the past month, that I'm beginning to adjust and be satisfied with fruit items to sweeten things up a bit for my taste buds. Especially bananas! I'm LOOOOVING bananas:-) They are finally getting used up before they turn black:-) The same can be said for salty items. If I just keep those chips away I'm okay with lower salt options...with less crunch. But when the chips are around and I really get into them.....well, needless to say, it's hard to stay self controlled....and I keep craving them and craving them! So I have to be careful what I fuel my body with. Because I want it to crave the good stuff:-) Not the treat stuff. The sweet & salty items can really act as triggers for me down the slippery slope to junky cravings....at least for this phase of my journey.

Spiritually, this definitely goes to the heart of the matter. The more we eat up God's truth, the more we will crave Him. The more I fill up on junky or fluff stuff to fill those spiritually or emotionally void places, the more I'll crave the junk and fluff. TV would be a good example for me. I definitely CRAVE some veg. time in front of the TV each evening. I'm not sure how to really turn the switch around to primarily crave time with God in those relaxation, veg. moments. I guess it may be similar to my battle with sugar. Gotta just carve out new habits to make way for new cravings? Fuel my spiritual cravings with Truth?

Woohoo!

The number on the scale finally moved down another pound. This may not seem like a big deal, but I've been seeing the numbers on the scale stay stuck for the past two weeks, so this is very encouraging for me.

The past 10 days have been a challenge (in regards to healthy choices, boundaries, surrender to God). God has been teaching me many things as I struggled to continue persisting.

I feel hopeful that I am entering a new phase as I invite God into this space of my life more fully.

God is not finished with me yet! He continues His work until it is completed! He is transforming me more and more into His image each moment that I surrender to Him. What a joy it is to soak in this truth.

Remembered!

Yay! I slipped away to the BR to pray before eating for both an afternoon snack and supper. I think there is something profound about this act. I can see how God will use these times to strengthen me and bring me to a surrender point and guide me. I may be able to actually experience some victory and headway in HIS STRENGTH!

Whoops!

Already hit with the forgetting habit. I was definitely rumbly hungry for lunch when I was at work this morning. As soon as I walked in the door at home I grabbed my lunch. Whoops! I was aiming to go to the BR and lay it before the Lord before digging into any meal.

A good reminder for me how easily I forget! A reminder not to forget:-) Hopefully I don't forget the reminder not to forget:-)

Prayer

What a messy past 8 days it has been with eating. Ugh. I know my blog has been reflective of that heart space I'm in. It is definitely discouraging. However I am NOT giving up! One clear observation I make is that I FAR too often go in my own strength....which is basically on empty! I don't engage in warring the strongholds of these fleshly desires to eat outside 0-5 because I don't have the strength to do it.

And I KNOW the secret to winning this battle is to go in GOD'S strength. And it's not like that conclusion just hit me today or anything! I've known this for years. But to actually apply it eludes me time and again. Sometimes just out of a forgetting habit and sometimes out of outright rebellion.

So here is where I step from today onwards for a time. I'll give account for how this has gone each day because I think it is very important. Here is the step I know I must take....

Every single time BEFORE I eat anything...I will remove myself from the temptation zone and go to my bedroom and pray, approaching the throne of grace with confidence because I trust that God will meet me in my time of need with His mercy and grace and I know He will help me (Hebrews 4:16). I can trust His word. I can trust Him. I trust Him to guide me in this process, each choice, each step of the way.

Observe & Correct

This past week has felt like a string of failures. Here are some observations & corrections I made this morning in my meditations.

My main question to myself was -
What are the triggers?
Can I pinpoint anything that has particularly drawn me down the slippery slope?

And I was easily easily easily able to identify the main problem.

LEFTOVERS - not just any leftovers....but rather leftovers from "take out" food - last Monday it was chinese food and this weekend it was pizza.

I don't believe it is wrong to order or to eat these foods. However, I am seeing some patterns developing.

Observations:

#1.) I am greedy. I don't want anyone else in the family to eat "my portion." So I jump the gun and eat it early in the day. That is a very very honest look at my heart. Not a pretty sight.

#2.) I am tired (from work, from errands etc.) and am weak and vulnerable to the cravings for these taste-bud ticklers:-)

Corrections:

#1.) If I save eating these kind of rich meals for supper rather than lunch (or breakfast!) then I usually can eat it in a balanced way. I usually create a bit of a plan for the day in regards to what I will eat (though I don't stick to it legalistically). I need to STICK TO THE PLAN! When I come to the fridge, feeling weak and vulnerable to these temptations, I really, really, really need to MOVE AWAY and take a time out with God, move to another room, pray and seek God's renewing of the mind.

#2.) On a very practical level, I should divide the food up (or at least my portion) into a container so I don't need to "worry" about it being gone by the time supper comes by. That may help me keep my resolve to save it for dinner, which I know helps me stay more balanced for the day.

Lord, thank you for these insights. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your forgiveness. And thank you for waiting for me with open arms. Thank you for giving me a fresh start moment by moment. Amen.

THIS moment is new!

I really found TW workbook week 8 intro spoke to my heart. Reading the story of Gideon and insights into that story, hit me in a new way.

"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior" Judges 6:12

I find it quite amazing that God called Gideon a "mighty warrior" when he was cowering and hiding from God. That encourages me. I tend to feel anything but a mighty warrior, but I know that in God's strength alone I am just that! Amazing!

I was also moved by this verse,

"I will wait until you return." Judges 6:18b

God waits for me! I can feel that to the core of my being time and again. I know He is just waiting for me with open arms. So why on earth do I make Him wait?! It's crazy!

And finally, I really appreciated this statement in the workbook,

"You may have 'blown it' a moment ago, but this moment is new." pg 49

More about THAT in my next post..... :-)

Practical Points

Here are some practical (mainly physiological) points I've taken from my TW workbook readings weeks 1-6:

- eat half portions
- watch beverages (they are calories)
- eat really small snacks
- let God have final word
- see how little I can eat
- move the food away
- put the fork down, enjoy the task
- practice leaving food on my plate
- fist size amounts of food
- prayerful fasting
- it's okay to skip a meal every now and then
- create an appealing table setting
- leave food at counter & serve individual portions
- at a restaurant ask for carry out container ahead of time
- reevaluate #5 (satisfaction)
- eating out? skip a meal that day to be at a sure #0 for the occasion
- rehearse for success
- tell yourself you are a "delicate eater" who prefers small portions
- let Go lead food choices
- dress for dinner (essentially don't wear your "fat" clothes to make room for food)
- use a knife and fork for foods usually eaten by hand (ex. pizza)
- coin reward for 0-5 successes
- take a time out when tempted....move away, pray etc
- be thankful
- Resist Satan. Draw near to God.

And the basic building blocks that I need to remember are the....

KEYS TO CONSCIOUS EATING
1.) Eat only when my body is hungry.
2.) Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
3.) Eat when sitting down.
4.) Eat when my body and mind are relaxed.
5.) Eat and drink the food and beverages my body enjoys.
6.) Pay attention to my food while eating.
7.) Eat slowly and savor each bite.
8.) Stop before my body is "full."

Stand Firm

So a quick update on Wednesday night. I don't feel it was a 100% success in the sense that I didn't reach a strong sense of hunger by late evening. There was a little edge to hunger and so I had some cheese toast, carrots and an orange before bed. If I had been a real clear "0" I would have felt more headway had been made.

I woke up the next day still feeling discouraged. I was frustrated with the # on th scale. I was frustrated with my lack of self control and compulsive nature with food. I was feeling like progress was just not tangible even as I put such effort into being intentional in this area and seeking God's healing.

And God gave me His word as I came to Him broken.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philipians 2:13

He said, "Christina, stand firm and don't let yourself be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. For it is I, GOD, who is working in you to WILL and to ACT according to My good purpose."

So I pray God will work this out first of all in my WILL, that He would provide me with the desire to do His will and give Him 100% of my heart space and secondly that He will move me to ACT in doing His will.

And last night I experienced a mini victory. I was going out with some girlfriends to a restaurant. I really didn't know what to order as I am still trying to limit super sugary things from my diet. I enjoyed the company of my friends....and ordered sweet potato fries with a garlic aeoli sauce. Oh my! I didn't feel "deprived" of sugar in the least!!!! :-) And my order of fries ended up being the biggest hit around the table (as I shared them with everyone...another mini victory) and a couple of them proceeded to order them too:-) Praise God for these little blessings and moment of freedom. :-)

Craving...

sugar? I think that must be what I'm going through right now. Once again at lunch I had a reasonable portion of food and felt fairly satisfied. But then I had the cravings hit me full force..... I just wanted sugar in all honesty. I had my eye on some chocolate. I bypassed the sugary treats. However, instead I started grasping at other stuff - some casserole I had just finished preparing for supper, toast with pbutter & honey...... I didn't feel past #5, and my tummy actually felt that really contented feeling. But I know it was far more fuel than my body needed for 5 hours.

So, where do I go from here?

For starters, Lord I am sorry for not seeking Your face again. I want to crave YOU first and foremost. And second, I am committed to waiting for the next wave of hunger. No snacking tonight unless I'm hungry! I'll come back and give account in that regard.

Chinese food...

.....has definitely been part of my downfall today. Craved more last night. Waited it out. Couldn't wait until supper. Ate it for lunch. Along with some other stuff. Some of it healthy. Some of it not (though still avoiding the sugary stuff). Knew I'd regret it later in the day. Feeling compulsive. I was going to bypass supper. But then still craving food, food, food.....anything in sight!

Is this a reaction to the number on the scale after being so consistent this week (a very miniscule amount of weight released)?

Is it something related to my TOM?

Is it a reaction to halloween extravagances surrounding me?

Or could it just be eating chinese food for lunch....which really wasn't a wise choice for me because I knew I'd never be hungry in time for supper that way?

So, to bed I go. Thankful for a loving, forgiving, faithful, merciful Heavenly Father. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for a warm house. Thankful for my jobs. Thankful:-)

Halloween

Praise God for the strength to get through this day without falling outside of 0-5 or "sugar-free" boundaries. I was careful with my eating all day. Enjoyed delicious chinese take-out for dinner with our friends. Then the kids went out trick or treating with the dads. And I got to savour a cup of raspberry tea with a visit with my friend. I actually didn't even feel tempted by all the goodies! Seems impossible! But it's true! I just feel like God is really doing a new thing in my heart. And I find that very exciting.

However, right about now I'm really really craving some chinese food leftovers. But my tummy is feeling in a satisfied and content state so no need. I think heading to bed would be a much much wiser and happier choice:-)

This Weekend...

Friday
I did not snack in the evening. Instead I got to work scrubbing my kitchen down from head to toe:-)

Saturday
Got a really long brisk walk in at the start of the day. I sure enjoy walking with music blasting through my itouch. Always very encouraging. I did okay with 0-5 eating for the majority of the day. However in the evening we had friends over to watch a hockey game and I munched on chips & salsa more than I should have. Should have just set aside a portion and stopped at that portion.

Sunday
Once again was pretty much staying within 0-5 eating. And sugar is still off my menu.

Right now I'm battling a little frustration at the #'s on the scale, the classic danger zone. I still feel weighing in regularily is the right thing for me to do. It hasn't sent me spiralling into that pendulum swing zone as of yet (going from eating healthy to falling right off the band wagon!). I think it has some benefits for me at this time. So I cautiously continue.

So, that's my weekend in terms of health kinda stuff. Now to battle it out with halloween today! Since I'm staying free of sugary treats I feel hopeful I won't feel the way I usually feel at halloween - compulsive, guilty, a bit sick to the stomach from too much sweets.... I'm free to enjoy the moments we share rather than be bogged down by all those feelings. Praise God!

Gatekeeper of the Home

First of all, after my snacking incident Thursday night, I managed to get fully back on track Friday. Praise praise praise God! I just am so thankful for His mercies and faithfulness and strength.

I was watching a talk show on Thursday night on the topic of overweight children and a guest was mentioning how moms are like the gatekeeper of the house in terms of the kinds of food that enter the house, get prepared etc. This really convicted me on the need to do a better job in this area.

And the conviction goes a little deeper when I see how impressionable my 12 year old daughter is. Ever since I began making intentional healthy choices and watching my hunger and fullness and cutting out sugar.....she has been emulating my behavior. She has been watching. She has been inspired. She has been making the same healthy choices. I'm so encouraged to see this in her..... And convicted as I know I've been a setback to her for far too many years.

I've always been pretty careful about making sure healthy foods enter the home and I prepare well rounded healthy meals to enjoy around the table. But I've also allowed sugary treats to become too much of a centerpiece in our home. So this is the area I have a responsibility to set up guard in. This is an encouraging and challenging thought. And I can already see the positive results when I step up to the plate and do my job:-)

Flee!

Last night was disappointing for me because my old self reared its ugly head. I am surprised how wrong it felt after only 2+ weeks or so of healthy habits. I guess the fact that it felt so wrong is the silver lining :-) In the past I went numb to all feelings of remorse as quickly as possibly.

"I can make the choice to identify my shortcomings and, instead of using them against myself, hand them over to Jesus and let Him chisel my rough places. The grace-filled way Jesus chisels is so vastly different than the way I beat on myself. My beatings are full of exaggerated lies that defeat. His chiseling is full of truth that sets me free." Made to Crave by Lysa Terkheurst

Observation: I'm not sure why I was snacking last night. I grabbed a handful of cereal (special K strawberry cereal - which is pretty close to the crossing the sugary borderline for me...possibly why it was drawing me in) and that one handful led to another to another and then finally to a couple mini bowls of cereal and milk. It felt compulsive, magnetic, impossible to avoid....

Correction: I was MADE FOR MORE. I was made for victory, made to pursue holiness, made to GLORIFY GOD. And moments like these are NOT the moments to turn off the Holy Spirit's promptings. Rather these are the promptings to PRAY and seek His strength! Next time I grab a handful of anything when I'm not hungry FLEE! Pray, read the Bible, blog, journal my thoughts, listen to music, go for a walk, do some music homework........FLEE!

Boundaries for Freedom

"I have these boundaries in place not for restriction but to define the parameters of my freedom. My brokenness can't handle more freedom than this right now. And I'm good with that." Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst

I'm finding this concept so interesting right now. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd ever actually CONSIDER cutting sugar consumption (to the degree I am now). I thought the higher road (which was actually my own rationalization) was to work on eating it in moderation.

But I'm coming to realize how broken I truly am in this area. Really broken. My whole diet (referring to everything I eat, not a plan) gets all of whack when I open the door even a crack to sugary temptations. I seem to be unable to manage it in moderation...at least for now.

And I feel a kind of freedom I haven't felt in a long long long long time....if ever.

I guess boundaries can really define freedom, as reflected in the opening quote.

Anyways, I just feel amazed to feel free! Underneath it all I am certainly a little nervous about what this means long term, but right now I feel thankful for God's nudgings :-)

I'm still here!

Boy things can get busy sometimes! But I am still here! I'm not wavering:-)

A few positive things to note....

* a box of chocolates is sitting in this very room next to me and I'm not even tempted in the least! Woohoo! I can't imagine staying free of chocolate for life, but at this point, I can see some great value in this boundary.

* I'm officially down 5lbs since I started two weeks ago. Maybe not as fast of a pace as previous years, but the number is going down and more importantly I can see many positive changes.

* This is day number 11 sugar-free (my version of sugar-free that is! avoiding most obvious common sugary things........which is primarily things like dessert and jam and sweetened yogurts....that kinda stuff). Jon is super impressed:-) He doesn't think I've ever gone this many days like this before.

* I continue making the choice most days of the week to move my body:-) This involves bypassing driving the van to work and rather taking my bike or walking (which is a pretty short distance but is better than driving and gets me a solid 15-30 minutes of exercise each day depending whether I walk or ride bike).

* God is so awesome! I just really enjoy spending time with Him each morning:-) A great way to wake up:-)

This Weekend...

Weekends are always the toughest part of the week for me in regards to self-control and discipline. So I think it will be a good practice for me to update this blog at the end of each weekend to have some form of accountability.

Friday night:
I grabbed for some snacking stuff at 9:30pm. Went for some leftover sweet potato fries (which I must say were absolutely delicious...haven't made those in awhile!) and some crackers. All of this was outside of 0-5 (hunger and satisfaction)....which is disappointing.

Saturday:
Got out for a walk with my husband in the a.m. which was a treat. Waited for hunger for breakfast/lunch....turned into a brunch meal as a result. However, I guess the amount I ate was not the correct amount of fuel for my body and so I wasn't quite at "0" for supper, but still ate with the family. In the evening I went to my nephew's party and bypassed the delicious looking chocolate cake. Had a bit of fruit instead. Mission accomplished:-)

Sunday:
Waited for hunger at the start of the day again....and once again had to wait until lunch to be hungry. And finally by later in the evening I had some supper when I was pretty much at "0". Bypassed sweet treats at my piano recital. Again mission accomplished:-) Praise God!

Observations:

#1. It's much easier to not feel mastered by sugar when I'm just making a clear decisive decision to steer completely clear of the stuff. My kids are watching me very closely, asking me if this or that has sugar in it. Nothing like a bit of pressure to live up to their expectations! And my eldest daughter is trying to limit her sugar to a more moderate amount. The kids both find it fascinating and almost unbelievable that I can make it through halloween season without candy! So I've got some proving to do:-) Challenge on! God has definitely been speaking to me in regards to sugar for some time. I'm a little bit afraid to think about what He will be calling me to do long term....but will just take it one step at a time.

#2. I need to tweak the amounts I'm eating for lunches as it is clearly a little bit more fuel than needed to last a couple hours. And obviously I'm overdoing it a little bit at supper or evening as I haven't been hungry for breakfast at a reasonable time the past few days.

Daily Provisions

I know I'm not going to be able to do justice to recap the latest chapter I've been reading in "Made to Crave" but I'll try to give a very quick summary....because it really was a good reminder.

God provided the Israelites with all they needed each day with manna and quail. They were not to take more than they needed for each day, but rather to depend on Him daily to provide for their needs. But they struggled to do just that....and took more than they needed (greedy? anxious? I'm not sure why). Sounds a lot like someone I know:-)

As a result God had them wander the desert for 40 years so they could learn to depend on Him.

Yikes! I don't want to wander for 40 years to learn my lesson to depend on God. Though come to think of it I've already spent 14 years of my life of God putting this lesson on my radar.

I appreciate this story in the bible as it is a good reminder that GOD PROVIDES. And not only that...but He actually WANTS TO PROVIDE and desires that I depend on Him each day - for my food, for strength, for self-control, for love, for joy, for peace, for contentment, for peace......and more!

What a beautiful, awesome, loving God we serve!

"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10

Planning Ahead

So tonight is my nephew's bday celebration. I'm perfectly full (or more rightly, "satisfied") and content with my supper meal. I don't need more fuel for my body. I'm going to somehow choose to bypass food tonight. I may nibble on a few bites of fruit if that is available but I won't touch chips/cake/crackers etc. I need to remember

"Christina, you were MADE FOR MORE."

A good reminder that God has made me to crave Him, to fill up on Him, to experience victory in Him...not be sucked in by temporal pleasures.

Lord, help me be self-controlled and alert and surrendered to You. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is what life is about. Help me live within Your blessed boundaries. Thank you Lord for all Your provisions. Amen.

Tying My Happy to the Wrong Things

This was one of the points in the latest chapter I'm reading in "Made to Crave". This point really resonated.

Far too often I tie my happy to food and vegging in front of the TV. Oftentimes hand in hand.

God wants me to tie my happy to HIM ALONE. A good reminder.

Observations

I have a few random observations and thoughts I want to share this morning.

First of all, Wednesday night I REALLY battled to beat the temptation of chocolate chips. And, thank the Lord for helping me withstand the temptation! I made it through victorious. The next morning I stepped on the scale (which I find is a helpful routine for myself....I know for many this is NOT productive in their journey). Anyways, I was less almost 2 lbs from the day before. I was thankful I made it through the temptation and was able to know these choices make a difference.

Second, I am reminded this morning once again that I eat whenever I'm tired - from work, from a long day, from hosting, from emotions..... I eat to experience a pick-me-up. I've come up with other options before, but it's hard for them to stick. This is one area I will definitely need to address and seek the Lord on.

Lastly, I am heading into the weekend. I know that bday cake is on the horizon on Saturday night as I celebrate my nephew's birthday.

And I know that weekends in general are
....more social (which comes hand in hand with more sugary treats present and makes it hard to stay within 0-5)
....less routine and my sleep gets all out of whack as I stay up later (which makes me more tired, which leads me to eat when I shouldn't)

I love weekends, but I know they present challenges in my journey. So I seek God this weekend and pray for His help.

Lord, I lay this all before You. I pray that I may turn to You when I'm tired. Show me the better way out of these moments of temptation and weakness. And Father, this weekend I pray that You would help me remain obedient to Your will. Help me steer clear of doing things my way this weekend. Help me keep my eyes fixed on Your will. Take up all my heartspace I pray. Amen.

Thankful for Extra Pounds!

What a crazy title for this post! I have been arriving at the point this past 6 months where I actually feel a sense of thankfulness for the extra weight struggle to keep off....or more accurately GET OFF my body! This has been the story of my life. I've always been the bigger one of the group or family. Here is a quote I read this morning from "Made to Crave":

"When I get all caught up in how unfair it is that my friend is skinny and doesn't have to work at it, how she can eat what she wants when she wants, and how much it stink that I can't be like her. I remind myself that God didn't make me to be her. You see, He knew even before I was born that I could easily allow food to be an idol in my life, that I would go to food, instead of to Him, to fulfill my needs. And in His great wisdom, He created my body so that it would experience the consequences of such a choice, so that I would continually be drawn back into His arms. He wants me to come to Him for fulfillment, emotional healing, comfort--and if I could go to food for that and never gain an ounce, well then, what would I need God for?"

I been coming to the same conclusion lately.

Another quote from "Made to Crave":
"Compromise built upon compromise equals failure... [P]romise upon promise creates empowerment."

When I dwell on God's promises and Word, calling out to Him, He empowers me to change and be set free from slavery to this sin of gluttony and greed. That is what I want to see happen in my life. Just like I said yesterday, I want God to have 100% of my heartspace:-)

One Step

One step at a time, with God's help, I'm going to beat this slavery to sugar.

My goal is to make it past halloween sugar-free. I think I need a good cushion of a couple weeks after halloween to actually successfully avoid those sugary treats. I haven't made a long term decision about sugar yet.....but for now, the one step I'm aiming to take is to make it mid-November sugar-free.

Tonight I'm really craving it. I've gone 5 days now. It's crazy how hard it is! I'm praying it gets easier!

On the plus side, I'm really enjoying the foods I'm eating. I've tried to keep the variety up. And I've had lots of really good-for-you healthy foods. It feels good to fuel my body this way.

Thank you Lord for helping me each step of the way. May You be glorified!

Undivided Heart

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. Psalm 86:11

This is my prayer for today. That I may have a heart that is 100% fully dedicated to God.

I was reading the story of the woman at the well. And Jesus spoke of the kind of water He offers, the kind that is a "spring of water welling up to eternal life." I desire for the abundant life that Jesus offers believers to LEAP up and SPRING up in my life and OVERFLOW to the world around me.

As I seek to surrender my gluttonous desires to the Lord, I am learning to draw near to Him more. I've been setting my alarm for extra early each morning to take time to draw near to Him and meditate. What a blessing that has been. He is at work. I pray He will continue to take over more and more of my heart's space:-) And that from there His life would overflow into every area of my life and to the world around me.

Craving Sugar!

Oh boy, my craving for sugar hit me full force tonight! I've been snacking on other things hoping to fill that void....but of course that doesn't work! And of course that is not going to help me lose weight!

I'm done for the night. No more to eat. My body has had enough. And I've made it through my third sugar-free day. Yikes, this is hard! And halloween is still coming. How much harder is that going to be. I must keep my eyes on the goal (freedom, victory from the burden of sin and a lighter body in the long run)...... How easily I tend to crave and cave.

Father, help me stay focused on Your will and the power and intimacy You offer me every step of the way.

Rewards & Motivation

I have been pushing my case to Jon for a couple weeks that we should get a new bed. We moved into a new home this past April and now have a room that can be a dedicated guest bedroom (and also acts as a computer room for the kids and Jon). Prior to this, every time our in-laws visited we either had to give up our bed and sleep in the basement rec room on a futon bed or else my in-laws would take my eldest daughter's bed and we'd throw a mattress on the ground in her sister's room for her to sleep on. We all miss our beds and our space when this happens..... And the futon, which is now in the guest bedroom awaiting company, is SOOOO rock hard and squished thin and really does not seem "honoring" to Jon's parents when they come to visit. So I've been pushing for this new bed. Our current bed, which is in good shape despite being used for 15 years, would move to the guest room and we'd get a new bed (maybe a KING size since we now have more room in our master bedroom too! ooh! that would be awesome).

However, Jon has not been convinced that we should get this bed ASAP prior to his parent's next visit (which we expect will be after christmas).

So I presented a savings plan to him:-) *wink* wink* (of course money doesn't grow on trees, but there is some give and flexibility in our budgetting...and of course less food eaten by me means more $$ saved from our regular spending)

So here is the plan he agreed to.... For every pound I lose $10 goes into the savings plan. For every sugar-free day I can manage to get through an additional $5 goes into the savings plan!

This new plan allows me to stay motivated and kind of "earn" what I've been begging for....and Jon certainly feels happy to help me stay motivated and reward all the hard work. AND my in-laws will soon have a good bed to sleep on in their own room every time they visit which I think is honoring to them, especially at their age. Win win I would say:)

So my weight release and cutting the sugar addiction will be helping me get a new bed:-)

So far I've gone two days sugar-free. When I say sugar free I'm not meaning miniscual amounts of sugar in so many products, but rather things that are added sugar - like sugar in coffee/tea, jam on bread, sweetened cereals, dessert items. So far, between weight released and sugar free days I've tucked away $20:-)

Made for More

I've been reading a book entitled "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst. In my reflections are scattered some of the phrases she uses in this book.

"Made for more" is one of them. The truth that God made me for victory, made me to crave Him, made me to know Him is very exciting! I will be taking this truth with me into the day ahead.

I realized today that I don't REALLY believe that God can give me the power to turn away from the draw of sugar. I don't REALLY believe He can give me victory over eating a bowl of ice cream that is calling my name. This is a problem because the truth is that He CAN give me victory....and here I don't believe Him! I need to start letting that truth sink deep into my soul. Lord teach me!

Before I sign off, here are a few verses I read today...

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1:17-19

We are to "keep asking" our "glorious Father" as His children with new identities in Him, so that we may "know him better" and so we may see His power available to His children. Pretty amazing truths. I know that God uses my weaknesses to draw me closer, to make me crave Him more, to teach me to rely on His strength and power not mine. So I guess I should be thankful in some sort of way that I have this pesky battle all these years.

Prompted to Pray

It's staring me straight in the face....all that extra weight, my rebellion...and trying so hard to ignore the signs!

No more. It's time to be intentional. It's time to be prayerful. It is time to use God's wonderful design of hunger to prompt me to PRAY! Cry out to Him. Depend on Him.

I experienced a fair number of victories yesterday, praise God. I made a plan at the beginning of the day as to what I'd eat (approximately anyways). I stuck with the plan for the most part. However, in the evening I strayed a bit (outside of fullness as well as outside of my original plan) as I reached out to sugar, sugar, sugar......more sugar.

I definitely have a problem relationship with sugar. Can I eat it in moderation? I have in the past, though it still has reared its ugly head at times. Can I do that again? Stop at one cookie? A small piece of cake or pie? etc. etc. A question I need to ponder and pray about.

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12

Lord I believe You help us overcome darkness and sin. Today I receive You and choose to surrender to Your rule and reign in my life. Today I choose to follow You. Open my eyes to Your calling in my life each step of the way. Show me where you want me to walk, what you want me to say, what you want me to do. I pray that You would be glorified through my life lived for You. Thank You for accepting me as Your child. What a beautiful mystery! In Jesus name, amen.

Back...Again

I'm back....once again. I don't really have much spare time in my life nowadays. However, I think I can spare a few minutes each day to reflect here.

My weight has increased once again and I've now officially hit the 200 lb mark. *yikes* Scary to say the least! Though not a surprise as I've been slipping closer and closer to that mark over the past year.

Embarrassing. Feelings of shame and failure. Feelings of defeat. Feelings of the impossibility of making headway. And the list could go on and on.

God is doing so many awesome things in my heart and life right now. I'm so incredibly encouraged and excited about where God has been leading our family and ministry. And yet this one area (of gluttony and ultimately overweight) hangs over me....and feelings of doubt that God can help me gain victory over sin hangs over me. Yet I know this is not true. I know He can and will provide victory. I just must throw myself at His feet more and more and more until my heart begins to align with His heart. He will change me. He began a good work in me years and years and years earlier....and He will bring it to completion. I must trust Him.

So I am prompted to pray. Prompted to seek God. Prompted to wake up earlier each and every morning to draw near to my Savior.

I'm not sure what this stretch of the journey is going to look like. I've been here before and left before I hardly got started. But this is a new stretch. A new day. A new start.

New Year, New Start

I think I'm going to start using this blog again.... This blog reflects my history and my experience. I think it is time to stop running away from that history and experience....and the feelings of failure it evokes.

The Lord is reminding me that I need to commit my ways to Him. I need to surrender. I need prioritize HIM in my life. To be brutally honest I have spent very little of my time, energy or focus on time with the Lord or on His purposes over the past year or more. It's been an empty and hollow kind of year, with a longing to go back and be close to Papa once again....but feeling pulled in so many directions I don't even get on the path. It's not that I've lost faith or that I've stopped reading the Bible or fellowshipping or praying.... It's just not been my #1 priority. I've just been flailing around in surviving-life kind of mode.

So, this year I want to commit my ways to the Lord and return to a place of spiritual and also physical health.